


The Problem with Ambition

by kinglorenzochoi



Category: GOT7
Genre: 2young - Freeform, 2youngjae kind of, Flashforward - Freeform, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Singer Youngjae, basically successful 2young, drug dealer youngjae, eventual markson, smartass jinyoung, yugbam if you squint
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2020-06-03 05:55:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 53,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19457758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kinglorenzochoi/pseuds/kinglorenzochoi
Summary: “Hey,” Jinyoung called out suddenly, pulling Youngjae’s focus away from the joint he had lit up. “Are you going to keep in touch when you get famous and all?”Youngjae’s lips formed into a wide smile. “Well, who else is going to keep you from jumping off a building over a grade?”//In 2009, an arrogant, but socially inexperienced smart-ass finds himself a best friend in a slow, but musically-inclined drug dealer, only for things to fall apart months later.In 2019, a world-famous vocalist returns to his home country for the first time in a decade, anxiously hoping to cross paths with the smart-ass he'd left behind all those years ago.





	1. -1

**Author's Note:**

> hey everyone! so this is a 2young story that i've been working on for a while - i have about half of all the chapters written, and all of it's been real planned out so i hope to have super regular updates for this! because of how the story works, i'll always update two chapters at a time so, i hope you're all into that? sdjfsdkljfs okay cool anyway enjoy love you

2009

The results to Jinyoung’s history exam were being announced today. Jinyoung wasn’t afraid. History was a subject he had always considered an “easy A”—at least, that’s what he believed everyone should consider it as. Jinyoung was always ranked first in his class, but it wasn’t like it was a hard feat to accomplish. He studied, just like any other student, but the difference was that he was definitely destined for greater things—and other students simply weren’t.

Honestly, if any of his other peers tried even just _half_ of how much Jinyoung did, it would certainly even out the competition just by a little bit—they still wouldn’t beat him, of course, but they would certainly make the gap smaller.

But simply studying and attending tutoring classes wasn’t _everything_. Grade grubbing was also an important component to Jinyoung’s stellar academic record. It would be statistically impossible to score perfect grades in every single semester, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t anything he could do to change that. Jinyoung could be charming. If he wanted to. And when he wanted a perfect grade, he got it. He would never let anyone, or anything stand in his way of achieving the most _important_ step of his life plan—admission to the country’s most prestigious university.

“89 percent. Not your best work, Jinyoung.” The test paper landed on his desk louder than Jinyoung thought possible as he stared at the numbers written in red. _Eighty-nine? A fucking eighty-nine?_

Jinyoung felt his blood boil. This was the worst grade he had ever gotten in a _very_ long time. This was going to bring down his entire grade average. This was going to absolutely _ruin_ his future and destroy his plans. This was going to change Jinyoung’s life.

He stared at his history teacher. He was one of the _few_ teachers that could never fall for Jinyoung’s charm. In other words, grade grubbing would never work for this class. Fuck. Jinyoung was going to be stuck with an 89 percent in this class. His future was absolutely ruined. Jinyoung couldn’t afford to receive such an awful grade.

The continued thought of his ruined future made his heart beat quickly. His throat began tightening up and it felt like the world was closing up around him. Class was ending in a few minutes, but Jinyoung felt like he was going to die right then and there. His mind blanked for seconds, making him feel like he was falling in an endless void. Jinyoung closed his eyes shut and tried to remember what he usually did in these situations.

His mind went straight to a tool shed. Jinyoung knew what to do.

Discreetly pulling out his phone under the table, Jinyoung began composing a text.

_Shed in 5? Please._

It took barely thirty seconds for him to receive a response.

**Way ahead of you**

Jinyoung let out a breath of relief. He was always one step ahead of him. It was annoying at times—to know that someone was slightly better than him at something—but in times like these, it felt like an absolute lifesaver.

As soon as the class ended, Jinyoung bolted out of his seat and sprinted towards the tool shed at the back of the school. It was time for lunch, which meant he had forty minutes to calm down and pull himself together. The area was normally restricted for students, but there was an alternate passage through a broken maintenance door that could never lock. It was through this door that Jinyoung hid the biggest secret he ever had.

Walking past the entrance, he made his way to the small wooden tool shed just a few steps away from the school building. The person he had texted was probably already inside, Jinyoung deducted, starting off without him. He quickly marched to the door and did their special knock—two hard bangs, followed by a knock, and three more hard bangs. It spelled out “MJ” in Morse code.

After a few seconds, the door was opened, and Jinyoung found himself meeting a cheerful, wide-eyed face he saw more frequently than he liked to admit. It was Youngjae—his drug dealer.

“History?” Youngjae asked, his eyes slightly pink, but sympathetic. Jinyoung only had the strength to nod before the other male handed him the joint in his hand.

Jinyoung’s biggest secret was simple—from time to time, he would sneak to the tool shed and smoke a bit of weed with the school drug dealer. Except the words “time to time” were beginning to mean “every other day” with the pressure of his final year of high school slowly consuming him.

It wasn’t that Jinyoung was a stoner or anything like that—in fact, he’d punch the daylights out of anyone who would dare call him that—it just helped him calm down. His final year of high school, with the looming fear of university admissions and exams, was making it very difficult for him to stay sane and off the ledge of the school rooftop. It was through Youngjae, their school’s resident drug dealer, that Jinyoung found a much better alternate route.

Jinyoung took a hit from the joint he had been given and felt his entire body loosen—it was like his gears were being oiled and he could move again. He knew it was bad. He’d heard all the drug talks before. But he’d tried worse alternatives, and those led to his head resting on a toilet bowl.

“Fucking ridiculous. I got an 89! _Eighty-nine_!” Jinyoung shouted, crossing his arms. “If I was in America, I wouldn’t even get an A-!”

Youngjae chuckled and took the tiny roll from his fingers. “Why do you care about what grade you’d get in _America_?”

“Youngjae, this is serious! I’m not going to have any future with these grades! This is going to completely derail—”

“Hey, _sshhhhh_ , stop, stop.” The other male silenced his rant by gently placing the joint between Jinyoung’s lips. Youngjae smiled as he placed a comforting hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder. He was awfully close.

“In,” Youngjae commanded softly, and Jinyoung did as he was told. After a moment, Youngjae pulled the joint from his lips. They were only inches apart, and the sheer lack of space was making Jinyoung feel nervous—he’d never been this close to anyone before. “Out.”

Without having any thought, Jinyoung blew the smoke directly onto Youngjae’s face. The act felt so oddly intimate that it seemed to catch both boys off-guard.

“Uh. I’m going to open a window.” Youngjae muttered as he pulled away from Jinyoung.

“Y-yeah. That’s a good idea.” Jinyoung turned around and sat on a chair, trying to get his mind out of the state it was previously in. He watched as Youngjae pushed the old window open, spreading an attack of dust all over the tiny shed. _Idiot_ , Jinyoung thought to himself, his lips playing at a smile.

Despite his occupation, Youngjae was probably the only person Jinyoung could tolerate at their school—on some days he even considered him as a friend. Jinyoung wasn’t stupid. He knew his ambition and attitude scared people away and he knew what they said about him behind his back. Jinyoung was good at pretending like he didn’t care, but he was still an eighteen-year-old, and small words still hurt him much more than he liked to admit.

Youngjae was different, in a way. He took Jinyoung at face value, and he worked with it. His ambition and occasional ( _maybe a little more than “occasional”, Jinyoung_ ) selfishness didn’t seem to draw him away. Spending time with Youngjae was also good for his mental health, Jinyoung admitted. One would think that a drug dealer would be intimidating—downright scary even—but he wasn’t like that at all. He was undeniably welcoming and warm-hearted, not an attitude he was used to receiving from others. Jinyoung decided from an early age that friends were a distraction—he could make friends in his forties. So he was never friendly with anyone, and nobody was ever friendly with him in return. Except Youngjae.

“You know this isn’t going to completely derail your life, right?” His drug dealer questioned, leaning against a wall beside Jinyoung.

He sighed. Jinyoung knew he was being a _tad_ dramatic. “Maybe.” He mumbled, staring at the ground.

“You’re still going to be president of the world or something. _One_ history exam isn’t going to fuck up your life. Trust me.” Youngjae looked at him earnestly. Jinyoung felt himself melt a little at the thought that someone cared about his problems.

“Neurosurgeon.” Jinyoung corrected, his lips forming a small smile. The correction made Youngjae laugh, and the tiny structure they resided in was filled with the sound of his full laughter. On some days, like today, Jinyoung allowed himself to admit that he liked this sound.

Once his laughter died down, Jinyoung remembered something else that had happened that day. “Hey, how did you do on your biology exam?”

Youngjae shrugged. “Bad.”

Jinyoung groaned. One thing he absolutely hated about his drug dealer was his lack of ambition. At least academically.

“How are you going to graduate if you keep failing your exams?” He was nagging now, but he didn’t care. This was happening much too often for Youngjae to be so calm.

“I’ll be fine,” Youngjae took another hit from the joint and blew the smoke in Jinyoung’s face, wanting to get him riled up. It was beginning to anger him how Youngjae wasn’t taking any of his academics seriously. Jinyoung took the tiny bud from his fingers and threw it on the ground, crushing it with his shoe. There wasn’t much left in it but the act still made Youngjae gasp. “Hey!”

“I know you want to be a singer or whatever, but you still need a goddamn high school diploma,” Youngjae rolled his eyes at the comment and bent down to pick up the squished joint from the ground. He sighed once he realized it was completely gone. “You need some ambition.”

“I _do_ have ambition. Just not for school.” That was a statement that Jinyoung found difficult to process. School was all there was for Jinyoung—it was what consumed all his thoughts and was the end goal for all of his actions. For Youngjae to say directly that he didn’t care about school was almost blasphemous.

“Do you…do you need tutoring? You know biology is my life.” Jinyoung reminded. Youngjae looked up at him and raised his eyebrow.

“Do you even _enjoy_ biology?”

“Doesn’t matter.” He responded a little too quickly. Jinyoung refused to have his entire life plan be compromised by one simple question. He refused to think about his question at all. “Do you need tutoring?” 

Youngjae chuckled, probably seeing right through him. “No, Jinyoung, I’m okay.”

Jinyoung groaned at his rejection loudly and looked away. “Don’t be fucking stupid. Just take my offer…while I’m being nice.”

“While it _is_ flattering to see the almighty Park Jinyoung care about someone else for a change, I can figure it out myself.” The drug dealer replied, shooting him a reassuring smile. Jinyoung rolled his eyes and found himself feeling growingly frustrated. _Whatever. Why do I even bother caring?_

They stayed silent for a moment, with Youngjae rolling a new joint on the floor as Jinyoung watched him work. They had been doing this for a little over a year now, and Jinyoung always watched whenever the other male rolled his little concoction for them to smoke. Jinyoung considered himself a _very_ fast learner, but for some reason he could never get this _one_ thing right. They would always be too thick or too loose, and Youngjae would always roll around and laugh his honey-like laugh whenever Jinyoung presented his own creation. Jinyoung wasn’t used to being second place at anything—he used to hate how Youngjae always made fun of his lack of skill—but for some reason, he learned to let go. Whenever they went to the shed together, he’d let Youngjae do his thing and he would watch, noting how carefully he handled things and listening to whatever new pop song the boy would be singing as he did. It was still strange how easily he was able to let himself go in this tiny wooden shed.

“Hey,” Jinyoung called out suddenly, pulling Youngjae’s focus away from the joint he had lit up. “Are you going to keep in touch when you get famous and all?”

Youngjae’s lips formed into a wide smile. “Well, who else is going to keep you from jumping off a building over a grade?”

Jinyoung felt a tiny smile creep at his lips as he heard his response. Jinyoung didn’t need anyone, but on some days, he considered Youngjae his friend—today was one of them. A part of him began hoping that maybe a decade from then, they would still be hiding around a back corner, smoking and irritating the most out of each other.


	2. 1

2019

Youngjae closed his eyes and took a long breath. He watched through the window beside his seat as the airplane quickly touched the ground, taking in the fact that he was back on the land he had avoided so heavily for the past decade. _Just two weeks_ , Youngjae reminded himself, trying to calm all anxieties he had about spending multiple days in the country he had so quickly escaped at eighteen. 

His manager, Mark, was sitting next to him. After eight years, Mark was the closest person he had in his life. He knew the fears Youngjae had about returning, and took his hand, squeezing it the way Youngjae found comforting. It was supposed to be a low-key visit—his grandmother was turning ninety and he hadn’t seen her in years. Two weeks back in Korea was the least he could do for the woman who always took him to singing lessons as a child.

As the plane doors were finally opened, Youngjae put on his cap and sunglasses. His light disguise didn’t do much to stop the whispers and gasps that circulated around the plane as he made his way to the exit. No media outlets or fan accounts were alerted of his visit, so in a way, Youngjae _wasn’t_ back home. He didn’t want to make a big deal of his return, especially with all the scars that being home opened back up.

Youngjae and Mark quickly exited the plane and tried to find their way to the arrival gates where his cousin would be waiting for them. They tried to walk as fast as possible, to avoid getting recognized and mobbed by fans—his popularity in his home country was quite astounding considering he was based in the States—but at the corner of his eye, he could see a young, preteen-aged girl staring strangely at him, as if afraid to approach him. Youngjae felt a mischievous thought creep into his mind and he quickly took off his sunglasses and stared dead straight into the girl’s eyes, causing her to gasp loudly before he quickly ran off, giggling to himself.

Mark noticed what he did and rolled his eyes. “Come on, superstar, your cousin’s waiting for us.” He pulled Youngjae by the arm and towards the arrival gate, where Youngjae quickly lowered his head to avoid getting recognized.

They walked through the crowd of reunited couples and families and kept their eyes peeled for a familiar face. It didn’t take long before a loud, nasally voice started calling for them.

“Lorenzo!” The voice called. The name was an old inside joke that only Youngjae and his cousin shared, and that was when he knew Yugyeom was nearby.

The tall figure emerged from the crowd and pulled Youngjae into a massive, crushing hug.

“Mark!” Yugyeom shouted, hugging him as well.

Yugyeom was Youngjae’s favorite cousin—he was his _only_ cousin. Youngjae lived in America with him and his aunt for several years before they moved back to Korea just as Yugyeom graduated from university. It was actually through Yugyeom that Youngjae met Mark.

“I haven’t seen you in forever!” Youngjae exclaimed, his heart full of happiness at the sight of his cousin.

“I’d visit more if you introduced me to all your hot celebrity friends.” Yugyeom sulked. Youngjae rolled his eyes and hit him in the arm.

“Hey, guys? Hate to break up the family reunion, but I think we should go if we don’t want Youngjae to get mobbed.” Mark warned in a low tone as his eyes pointed to the people slowly surrounding them. Youngjae could hear whispers of ‘ _Is that Ars? Ars is in Korea?’_ and nodded.

“You’re right, I left my car running in the drop-off zone, so we gotta go before I get towed.” Yugyeom agreed and began running towards the exit.

“How the fuck is he twenty-four and still as irresponsible as he was eight years ago?” Mark asked, chuckling as they both ran behind him.

“Probably learned it from you.”

“Oh, shut up, _Ars_.” Mark replied, calling him by his stage name mockingly.

The three men reached the car relatively quickly and placed their luggage in the trunk before Youngjae slipped in the passenger seat, sticking his tongue out at his manager who became forced to sit at the back alone. 

Being around his cousin and best friend together for the first time in years helped alleviate a large chunk of Youngjae’s anxiety. He listened as Mark and Yugyeom caught up, his younger cousin making fun of the elder for his broken Korean and the elder repeatedly hitting him in the head. It reminded him of his teenage years in America, when all he wanted to do was start over and forget about all the things that happened. It had been ten years, but as Youngjae drove through the city, he felt his heart pinch at the sight of each hospital they passed, his body shaking at the thought that _he_ could be in any of those buildings. It had been ten long years, but there was one person Youngjae could never forget.

Youngjae did it all for him, after all.

“How’s Grandma?” Youngjae asked, deciding to break himself away from his thoughts.

“She hasn’t shut up about you coming home for a month,” Yugyeom said, lightly chucking at the thought of their talkative grandmother. “You should see the shrine she has of you at the house. It’s ridiculous.”

Now it was Youngjae who was chuckling. His grandmother was always the most supportive of his musical career, and even after everything Youngjae had put her through in high school, she was always proud of him.

“Is it my fault that I’m her favorite grandkid?” Youngjae shot back. Yugyeom rolled his eyes.

“I don’t think Yugyeom could be _anyone_ ’s favorite grandkid, to be honest.” Mark mumbled from the back, smirking.

“Shut up, _Mork_.” Yugyeom called him by the nickname his best friend always hated, earning him another slap on the back of his head.

The two continued bickering throughout the whole ride as Youngjae watched the streets of the city go by through the window. It had been years since he’d been back. Sure, he’d have a world tour once in a while and make the obligatory stop to his home country, but he always refused to stay more than a day, using his tour schedule as an excuse. This would be his first time spending the night since leaving. 

Yugyeom drove for another twenty minutes until they were just outside the city, parking his car outside a small house in a quiet neighbourhood. Youngjae slowly brought himself out of the car and stood in front of the door, staring at the structure he once called home. The brown tile roof and the stained white walls used to bring him a feeling of comfort, security, but now he felt different—separated, like an unwelcome stranger.

Despite it all, Youngjae had to admit he really missed his home.

“What are you standing around for?” Yugyeom shouted, pulling him from his thoughts. “Come on! Grandma can’t wait to see you!”

With his cousin’s remark, Youngjae’s heart began to race. He pulled his luggage from the trunk and quickly made his way inside. Youngjae hadn’t physically seen his grandmother in two years—around the same time Yugyeom moved back to Korea. She became too old and sickly to travel, so their communication relied heavily on bi-weekly FaceTime sessions. But despite having a regular call schedule with his grandmother, Youngjae had missed being able to hug her.

From the moment Youngjae’s foot went through the door, he could only hear one voice.

“My baby boy!” His grandmother shouted, walking from the living room to the door with Yugyeom guiding her side. “It’s my big star!”

“Grandma!” Youngjae shouted back, his voice reaching every corner of the house. He ran over to his grandmother and gave her the biggest, tightest hug he had. “I missed you so much.”

“I’m so happy you’re here, it’s been so long since you’ve come back.” His grandmother whispered in his ear, breaking his heart just a little.

“Okay, Grandma, let him go, I want to show him your weird shrine.” Yugyeom whined, still acting as if they were kids.

“It’s not weird!” Youngjae and grandmother both barked at him. Yugyeom simply rolled his eyes and pulled him deeper into the house.

They reached a part of the wall right beside the living room where a whole collection of framed images were hung on the wall. Youngjae simply stood and took in every single photo his grandmother had collected throughout his career.

“This is my favorite one.” His grandmother suddenly said, taking a framed photo from the bottom right and placing it in Youngjae’s hands. It was a photo of him with a big trophy and an even bigger smile plastered across his face—it was from when he won first place on the singing television show that gave him his first claim to fame. The memory was etched so clearly into his brain—it was the moment he knew that things were finally turning around.

Youngjae continued scanning the wall, his mind moving from memory to memory as he saw pictures from different events in his life—his first concert, his first award, his first talk show—countless reminders of the high points in his career. His eyes scanned the wall until he reached a specific framed picture resting on a table by the wall. It was a photo of him from high school, with a cheeky smile dominating the bottom half of his face as he ate a popsicle at the nearby store. Beside him was someone in a green hoodie, but his back was turned to the camera and no face was visible. Not that Youngjae needed to see his face to know who it was. There was only one person Youngjae ever gave that hoodie to—Jinyoung.

_Jinyoung_.

Youngjae hadn’t dared to mutter or even _think_ of his name in years. He always referred to him only as “him” or “he”. Remembering his name brought too many memories, too many thoughts, and too many impossible scenarios that would run through his head.

_Stop it. It’s been years._

After he finished his tour of the shrine, Youngjae dragged his luggage to his old room, where he would be staying for the remainder of his trip. Youngjae didn’t think it was possible, but in ten years, the room had _barely_ changed. His old books were still in the same place, his posters and pictures were still taped all over the wall, and the tin box of rolling papers he kept behind his bookshelf still remained untouched. Youngjae took a deep breath. The smell was exactly the same too.

He walked over to the windowsill and found himself laughing. All of a sudden, old memories came rushing back of his seventeen-year-old-self smoking a joint by the window, trying his best not to get caught by his grandmother. Youngjae went over to his old CD collection and pulled out an old mix he created, placing it in the player. As the first song began playing, Youngjae lied down on his bed, the lumps of the mattress welcoming him like an old friend. For a moment, it was like he was eighteen again.

Despite all the bad that happened that year, a lot of good came with it too.

Youngjae could feel himself beginning to drift into a deep sleep when the door suddenly opened. Mark entered with his luggage and sat on the foot of the bed, inspecting his room.

“So, this is where the famous Ars grew up?” Mark questioned, staring at the pictures on Youngjae’s wall.

Youngjae sat up from his position and laughed. “Welcome to my humble abode.”

“You got a pretty neat establishment here, Choi,” Mark paused for a moment to take in the music. “And the angsty teen music? Pure class.”

“I made this mix when I was sixteen!”

Mark rolled his eyes. “Don’t act like your music taste’s gotten any better.”

Youngjae’s eyes widened as he hit the older male. “Excuse me, you are speaking to a _Grammy-winning_ artist, I deserve some credit!”

“ _Please_ , you only got those wins because I’m such a great manager.”

“Keep saying that shit and you can’t stay in my room.” Youngjae crossed his arms, fake pouting as he did so.

The two bickered for a minute until another figure came into the room.

“Hey old man!” Yugyeom called, standing in front of them. Both Youngjae and Mark turned to look at him, but Yugyeom pointed at Mark instead, who seemed offended by the name he was called. “My mom’s missed eating your weird spaghetti sausage concoction, so you gotta help her make it.”

A big smile formed on Mark’s face. “I’m coming!” He shouted and sprinted out the door.

“As for you,” Yugyeom turned to Youngjae now. “We’ve got a _lot_ of relatives who want to brag about being Ars’ third cousin or great-great grand aunt, so get your ass off the bed and come with me because I’ve been assigned to re-introduce you to everyone.”

Youngjae groaned. He liked his family—he really did—but the only relatives he really cared about were his grandmother, Yugyeom, and his aunt. No one else in his extended family really made any effort to get to know Youngjae up until he became internationally recognized. Despite this, however, Youngjae allowed Yugyeom to pull him and lead him out to the backyard where his many cousins and aunts and uncles were waiting for him to make an appearance.

His grandmother’s birthday wasn’t until next week, but as the oldest living member of the family, many of his relatives were sticking around the house for the next two weeks to celebrate her big birthday. It was great for Youngjae to know that his grandmother was going to be surrounded by people who adored her for her birthday, but it was also tiring when he had to spend the next two hours getting caught in intrusive conversations with cousins who suddenly cared about his life. Youngjae didn’t mind as much though. After eight years in the business, he had gotten good at shrugging off the fact that some people just wanted to be his friend for the fame.

After two hours, Youngjae’s legs were getting sore and his mouth was getting tired of repeating the same responses to his relatives about his career. Which was why he held a silent breath of relief when a certain scream from the house interrupted the event.

Yugyeom and Youngjae quickly ran inside and made their way to the kitchen until they found the source of the scream. Mark’s fingers were covered in blood and Youngjae’s aunt seemed ready to hurl at the sight.

“Mark, what happened?” Youngjae shouted as he watched the blood gush from his manager’s hands.

“I-I was helping your aunt with the cooking and I accidentally sliced my hand with the big knife!” Mark explained, watching in horror as he tried to stop the bleeding.

“I’ll get the car keys.” Yugyeom decided and readied himself to find his keys before Youngjae stopped him.

“No, you stay here and help your mom and Grandma. I’ll take Mark to the hospital.” Youngjae quickly went over to where Mark stood and gently escorted him out of the house, swiping the car keys from a bowl by the door.

“I’m sorry everyone!” Mark shouted in broken Korean as he kept pressure at the gash to stop the blood flow.

The nearest hospital was ten minutes away by car, but with the way Youngjae learned to drive in Los Angeles, it would only take him five. He drove as fast as he could to the hospital, occasionally checking up on Mark, who seemed to calm down at the sight of the blood-stained towel wrapped around his hand. Just as Youngjae predicted, they arrived at the hospital within five minutes. They went to the front desk of the building as Youngjae hurriedly informed the starstruck nurse of his manager’s predicament.

Maybe it was the panicked way Youngjae spoke to the nurse, or maybe it was because of his celebrity status, but it took less than a minute for them to be escorted to a bed with the promise that a doctor was coming as fast as he could.

“Does it hurt?” Youngjae asked as they waited together.

Mark shot him a look and scoffed. “No, Youngjae, it feels like a rainbow just exploded under my skin. Of course it hurts!”

“Jeez, all right, no need to be all mean about it.”

“I’m bleeding out here, man! A little sympathy, please?”

In the midst of all the panic, Youngjae didn’t even realize they had ended up at a hospital—the one place he tried to avoid. Ever since he decided to make his visit home, Youngjae acknowledged that he would most likely find _him_ at any one of the many hospitals in the city—he _was_ extremely set on becoming a doctor, after all. His personal solution to this dilemma? Avoid all hospitals.

But less than six hours of arriving, he already broke his only rule, and Youngjae could feel his previous anxiety slowly creeping in. He wasn’t ready to see him just yet—Youngjae didn’t exactly leave him with the best lasting impression. On top of all that, Youngjae knew that if he even saw any of the long crinkles beside the boy’s eyes, his knees would melt the same way they always did in high school, and he wasn’t ready to feel that again.

“Your laces are untied.” Mark interrupted, glancing at his shoes. Youngjae looked down and saw strings from his sneakers flying free on the ground. They must’ve gotten loose in the midst of the panic.

Youngjae bent down and reached for his laces, tying them up in secure loops so that they wouldn’t come undone again. As he tied his shoes, Youngjae saw a pair of feet approach the table from his position.

“Youngjae, the doctor’s here, can you talk for me?” Mark whispered, swatting his head.

Youngjae sighed and slowly began to rise. As he did, however, his eyes caught sight of the name tag placed neatly on the doctor’s white coat. It was a name that burned a hole in his chest and took any remaining oxygen away from his body.

_Park Jinyoung_ , was what it said.

_No. No. No. Please._ Youngjae wasn’t ready. He hadn’t prepared himself with the thought of actually reuniting with the person that consumed all his thoughts for the past eleven years. It was just his luck, wasn’t it? To visit any random hospital and see the one person he tried so desperately to avoid?

_Maybe this isn’t such a bad thing_. A part of his brain was bringing to light another perspective now. Maybe seeing him again was a good thing. He always had scenarios of the two of them reuniting and maybe falling in love and adopting three dogs. Despite everything that happened, he made him feel warm. He made him feel protected. He may have been a big reason behind his decade-long escape, but he was also the reason why home felt like home. Maybe Youngjae _was_ ready.

_It’s going to be fine._

Youngjae took a deep breath and continued to stand, his eyes slowly moving up until they reached the doctor’s face, looking for the eye crinkles that he loved so much. But as they searched, there were no eye crinkles to be found. Instead, what his eyes saw was a middle-aged man, smiling warmly with a clipboard in his hands, eyes completely free of crinkles.

It wasn’t him.

“Your name is…Park Jinyoung?” Youngjae found himself blurting out. The doctor seemed taken aback by the question but nodded anyway.

“Yes, do I know you?”

For a moment, Youngjae ran through all the possibilities in his mind. Maybe that _was_ his Jinyoung, and maybe medical school aged him far more than what was natural. Maybe that was why he looked so old. But his eyes searched for his beloved crinkles again and they were nowhere to be found. That was all the confirmation Youngjae needed to realize that this was a different Jinyoung—not _his_ Jinyoung.

“No,” Youngjae quickly apologized for himself and directed the doctor to Mark. “My friend accidentally sliced his hand with a knife, he’s bleeding a lot.”

Mark noticed Youngjae’s unusual behavior and raised his eyebrow at the singer, trying his best to casually pry. Youngjae avoided his friend’s stare and instead continued to talk to the doctor, explaining the situation to him as well as filling in any important details. Mark was to receive several stitches, the doctor decided after examining the wound. Youngjae worked to translate between Mark and the doctor, keeping his mind busy to distract himself from the thoughts of _him_ that clouded his brain once more. 

After a couple of hours, Mark’s hand was all stitched up and ready to go, the blood stained towel still gripped in his other hand like a souvenir. Youngjae drove them back to the house in complete silence. He tried his best to convince himself that he hadn’t felt disappointed—he wasn’t disappointed that the doctor didn’t turn out to be Jinyoung. The lump in his throat that persisted throughout the car ride? That wasn’t disappointment at all.

They arrived at the house minutes later, the place feeling significantly quieter than before. The two males walked inside together, and found themselves surprised at how much emptier the house had gotten. Just as they were nearing the living room, Yugyeom appeared.

“Hey, did everything turn out okay?” He asked, genuine concern coating his words.

“Just a few stitches, but I’ll live.”

“Where did everyone go?” Youngjae asked, looking around the house for any sign of guests.

Yugyeom rolled his eyes and pointed to the living room. “They’re all in the living room watching this drama that’s been super popular here lately. Mom and Grandma are like, _obsessed_ , with the main guy.”

Youngjae couldn’t help but laugh at his cousin’s visible disgust. It helped distract him from his raging thoughts. Yugyeom led them both to the living room where he could see almost all the guests sitting around the television. Yugyeom fake-gagged at how serious they were all being and proceeded to sit on the couch anyway, joining their relatives. Youngjae could hear the cheesy lines that were being said through the drama and chuckled to himself. He was never really interested in television dramas—especially the romantic ones—but did feel some curiosity over the one all his relatives seemed so intent on watching.

Youngjae took a few steps closer to the television and saw a pretty girl giggling over a bouquet of flowers she had received. His entire family cooed. The girl continued speaking her lines and acting shy, and Youngjae decided once again that romantic dramas probably weren’t for him. He was about to turn around and head back into his room when he saw it.

Eye crinkles. Taking up the entire television screen.

It took a moment and several double takes for Youngjae to fully realize what he was seeing.

It was Jinyoung acting on the screen. _His_ Jinyoung. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big BIG thanks to rose for helping me figure out how to end this entire story. i think i might be updating once a week? maybe like every wednesday or something!   
> okay cool if you liked this please kudos or comment or bookmark or anything! love ya


	3. -2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there! so i'm still not sure if i should update on a specific day each week or if i should just keep you on your toes (lol) but there will definitely be updates each week! sooooooo yeah thanks to everyone who supported the first two chapters, i got a lil emotional and stuff dsjfksdjfs okay YES i love you here's the stuff

2009

Jinyoung held in his hands four different textbooks that included information on every single topic discussed in high school biology. They were books he’d read in the fourth grade. He’d learned everything there was to know about biology in elementary school (at the urging of his equally ambitious parents) and eventually just accepted the fact that studying was something he was good at. 

A certain drug dealer, however, did not seem to be gifted with this particular talent. 

Jinyoung had used his considerable influence on the faculty to take a peek at how Youngjae was actually doing in his biology class. It was much, _much_ worse than what he had expected, he was about one failed exam away from not graduating at all. Jinyoung wasn’t going to let his friend spend the rest of his life as a high school student.

Yes, that was another development.

Jinyoung had come into terms with the fact that perhaps Youngjae was his friend. After an entire year of regular meetings and accidental inside jokes, it took a little push for Jinyoung to realize that this was something friends did. It wasn’t Jinyoung’s fault he was slow—he’d never had friends to know what the process was like. It was strange at first, acknowledging that maybe for once in his life he had a need for someone who wasn’t necessarily an advantage to him. What could Youngjae offer to his career besides a steady supply of marijuana? Not much. And yet, here he was, walking to their tool shed unannounced with the intention of tutoring him in biology even after his initial offer was rejected. 

But, according to his sister, this was “something friends did”, so Jinyoung was just going to dive head-first into it.

The moment the bell rang to signal lunch time, Jinyoung sped out of his seat with his books towards the shed. There was no question Youngjae would already be there—when Jinyoung wasn’t smoking with him, his business hours always started an hour before lunch and ended an hour after lunch. He just hoped that he wouldn’t be walking in on some deal, and in the process, revealing his greatest secret to someone else. That absolutely _could not_ happen.

When he arrived at the shed, he performed their special knock, waiting nervously for the door to open. He’d never dropped by unannounced like this before—they didn’t have a signal for situations like this. Jinyoung was getting nervous now. It was nearing five seconds since his initial knock, and the fact that the door remained closed was making him think that Youngjae was probably in the middle of a deal. Jinyoung’s heart began racing and he reacted in the only way he knew how—aggression. 

_This is what I fucking get for thinking about someone other than myself. Great job, Jinyoung. This was probably the dumbest thing you’ve ever done after getting yourself kicked off the chemistry club. You’re so stupid. Why did you even do this? Of course he’d be in the middle of a deal, and you just put yourself and your record in jeopardy, who told you this was a good—_

“Hey!” A familiar voice greeted, pulling Jinyoung from his own harmful thoughts. Youngjae stood by the doorway, a cheerful smile making up the entire bottom half of his face. “Is everything okay?”

Jinyoung was still too stunned to immediately respond, but he quickly composed himself and shrugged, as if the previous ten seconds hadn’t just happened.

“Why would anything be wrong?” He shot back coolly, the response sounding much more defensive than he had intended.

Youngjae’s smile faltered a bit, and Jinyoung felt a pang of guilt hit him in the gut.

“No, it’s just that you usually come over after something bad happened, and even then you always give me a heads up,” Youngjae explained. “With you coming here so suddenly, I just assumed something really bad must’ve happened.”

Jinyoung cleared his throat and looked away, trying to seem as casual as he could. “Well...I just wanted to smoke with my _friend_ ,” The word rolled off his tongue so strangely, like a foreign word. “Is that a crime?”

“I mean, weed is illegal, so technically yes.”

Jinyoung sighed and hit Youngjae in the head with one of his heavy textbooks. “Rhetorical question, moron.”

Without much thought on his friend’s reaction, Jinyoung forced his way inside and sat on one of the chairs. He heard the other male mumble some sarcastic comment under his breath, but he chose to ignore it. Jinyoung placed the textbooks on a nearby surface and waited for Youngjae to notice them.

“What are you feeling today?” Youngjae was looking through his supply of marijuana. “I got Grape Ape, G13, Purple Urkle—oh, you _loved_ Purple Urkle last time—I also have Berry White if you’re in need of a good laugh—”

“I was thinking we do something else.”

“Something else? Other than get high? Isn’t that kind of the whole point of—” Youngjae stopped his sentence when he noticed the stack of books beside Jinyoung. _Took you long enough._ The drug dealer sighed. “Jinyoung, I told you I don’t need to be tutored.”

“Just because you sell drugs, doesn’t mean you have to be stupid.”

“I told you, I’ll figure it out.”

Jinyoung was beginning to get frustrated over the constant rejection of his kindness. This was the first time Jinyoung was doing something for someone other than himself, and things were definitely not going according to plan. It was incredibly frustrating.

“Choi Youngjae,” Jinyoung called calmly. He had on a sickly sweet smile across his lips, which only served to instill fear in his friend. “If you don’t sit the fuck down right now and let me help you, I’m going to rat you out to the teachers and get you expelled and blacklisted from every school in the district. Okay?”

Youngjae gulped and looked at him wearily. “Anyone ever tell you how scary you can be?”

“Just every tutor I’ve ever had,” Jinyoung responded, although his comment did little to ease the fear that was beginning to grow in his friend’s eyes. Jinyoung sighed. “I’ll explain everything you need to know about biology in a way that you can understand. Trust me.”

He could see the hesitation in Youngjae’s eyes. Truth be told, he was nervous too. The whole “helping other people” thing was a whole new world for Jinyoung. His parents had always raised him to _always_ look out for himself and no one else. No matter what, his ambitions came first. No exceptions.

“I want to ask you something.” Youngjae declared, neither agreeing or rejecting Jinyoung’s offer.

“What is it?”

“Why biology?”

“What do you mean?”

“Since elementary, you’ve always been _Park Jinyoung_ , biology prodigy and future surgeon. Why is that? Did you suddenly wake up at six years old and decide you were going to take up the most challenging and time-consuming profession available?” 

“I…haven’t thought about it,” That was a lie. The more time he spent with Youngjae, and seeing how much passion the boy had for music, the more Jinyoung felt compelled to rethink the life path he had focused so much of his time on. It wasn’t like studying medicine brought him endless amounts of joy or contentment—it just felt like something he had to do. “I mean, my parents are both doctors.”

“Ah,” Youngjae responded, humming as if he had some grand equation figured out. “Parental pressure. I didn’t expect you to have such a predictable origin story.”

“Excuse me?” Jinyoung began to feel the heat rising within him as his blood slowly boiled. Youngjae would be wise to choose his next words carefully.

“You’re obviously so crazy about getting into the best schools and being a surgeon because of your parents. Let me guess, they force-fed you this biology shit since you were a kid, right? You want to live up to their insane expectations, so that’s why even getting an eighty-nine on a _history_ exam freaked you the fuck out. Right?”

Jinyoung reached his boiling point. He didn’t particularly enjoy being attacked and analyzed for no reason. His motivation for doing things was _his_ business—not some dumb kid with bad drugs.

“And what about you? What the fuck are _you_ doing with your life? You’re out here selling drugs, and for what? You’re just a dumb stoner, you know that? You act like you don’t care about school or anything besides getting high and making music—you think that’s going to get you anywhere? Stop trying to analyze me and why I do what I do, and focus on yourself instead.” Jinyoung shouted, his anger taking control of all his actions now. Despite his cruel words, however, Youngjae didn’t seem fazed. Instead, he made his way towards where Jinyoung stood and placed his arm around him, sighing. Jinyoung didn’t have the strength in him to pull away.

“You’re deflecting, but we’re making some progress, which is good!” He declared casually, as if Jinyoung hadn’t just massively insulted him. 

Jinyoung didn’t fully understand what Youngjae meant by “progress”, but he decided that he didn’t want to have this conversation anymore. It was much too personal and dangerous—he wasn’t going to start questioning his life choices during his _final_ year of high school. 

“One could say the same thing about you.” He fired back, crossing his arms. Youngjae simply shrugged.

“Oh, I deflect. Real bad. But I’m working on it,” He turned his body and stared at the textbooks on the table. “So, you still want to help me out with this biology stuff?” 

Jinyoung cocked his head and scoffed. He didn’t understand what just happened, or why Youngjae was suddenly allowing Jinyoung to tutor him. He was a peculiar person—always cheerful and confrontational at the strangest times. 

“You’re a weird person, Choi Youngjae.” He mumbled, shaking his head. Despite this, he still took the textbooks and began explaining the cell cycle to his friend. 

+

“So what _do_ you like to do, then?” Youngjae asked two weeks later. They were in the middle of discussing human anatomy at an ice cream shop near their school. Classes were done for the day, and Youngjae had a quiz in two days that Jinyoung _desperately_ needed him to prepare for.

Studying at the ice cream shop had kind of become their thing too. It was difficult to tutor Youngjae at the shed—the smell of marijuana was too much temptation for _both_ Jinyoung and Youngjae, and they needed somewhere where both of them could focus. He had to admit, being seen in public with Youngjae was somewhat nerve-wracking the first time. They were an unusual pair—with Jinyoung being the arrogant star student, and Youngjae, a prominent slacker and underground drug dealer. But after their first time out together, it became easy for Jinyoung to realize that nobody really cared after the first few seconds of shock. 

“What do you mean?” Jinyoung placed his pen on the table and leaned his back on the chair. 

“If being a surgeon wasn’t something that you chose for yourself—”

“I never said that.”

“—then what do you actually like to do? Like, what did you want to be when you were a kid?”

Jinyoung sighed. Youngjae was always trying to get this type of information out of him—it was as if he was a guidance counselor or something.

“I don’t know. An astronaut?” Jinyoung thought of the first occupation that came to his mind, intending not to answer the question at all. “You wanna go back to the digestive system?”

“Aw, come on, Jinyoung! Seriously, what do you like to do? You don’t have any big interests that you would _maybe_ pursue in some alternate universe?” Youngjae rested his chin on his hands, throwing his puppy dog eyes in Jinyoung’s direction. Youngjae had a way of being persistent in a way that could easily make anyone give in without protest. Jinyoung had already lost—he never stood a chance to begin with.

“In the fifth grade, my sisters forced me to join this play at the community center with them, and...I guess I kind of really liked it.” Jinyoung confessed. He had never admitted this to anyone, not even himself. But even after all those years, he still found himself reminiscing of his moments onstage, and deep, _deep_ down wishing that he could be doing something similar again.

Youngjae’s face immediately lit up like a Christmas tree. His mouth first turned into a large ‘O’, before eventually morphing into a gigantic smile. “So, you like acting!” 

“I don’t...I don’t know.” He enjoyed participating in the play and secretly longed for another opportunity to do something similar again, did that mean he liked acting? _Maybe_.

Youngjae’s smile slowly faded and turned into something else—a more earnest look. “I really hope you get to do something you enjoy one day, Jinyoung. Maybe it’s medicine, maybe it’s acting. I just hope that ten years from now, you’re happy and you can look back and be satisfied with all your choices.” Youngjae was staring deep into his eyes now, and Jinyoung found himself captivated by his stare. His eyes looked like stars and it felt like he was looking at the night sky. It was such a... _sincere_ look, that Jinyoung felt somewhat violated. He wasn’t used to this much sincerity. 

Youngjae looked at him like he was the most interesting thing to ever come out of the universe. Maybe Jinyoung kind of liked that. 

“So, are you gonna keep staring at me, or are you going to teach me how food turns into poop?” Youngjae suddenly asked, a mischievous smirk replacing his previously earnest smile. Jinyoung scoffed and rolled his eyes before throwing his pen at his direction. This only made Youngjae laugh.

Without another word on the subject, Jinyoung resumed his explanation of the digestive system. As they studied, Jinyoung found it difficult to get his mind off of their brief moment—there was just _something_ about the way Youngjae looked at him that made it impossible to forget. He felt listened to, and despite his initial qualms about this, Jinyoung felt like someone was genuinely trying to _understand_ his feelings and his motivations. He thought he liked spending time with Youngjae because he simply took him at face value and worked with it. Maybe that was then. Now, Youngjae was actively trying to get to the bottom of who Jinyoung was, and as long as he could get more of those earnest looks, that didn’t seem like the worst thing in the world.


	4. 2

2019

Youngjae was frozen in his spot as he watched the drama unfold on the television. The male was smiling, and familiar crinkles began forming at the sides of his eyes—crinkles that never failed to make him weak. It was too surreal to be true. 

Park Jinyoung wasn’t a neurosurgeon, or even a doctor, like he originally planned.

He was an actor. 

Youngjae’s brain quickly brought together a number of past memories of their relationship, different details and facts soothing his confusion. How did his friend end up in such a wildly different occupation when he had made it his sole ambition to become the most celebrated surgeon of Asia? Youngjae knew the answer, of course. In fact, in the midst of his anxiety and confusion, he felt joy—this was something that Jinyoung _actually_ enjoyed, he knew this. He felt joy at how they both managed to accomplish big things, and be the people that they always dreamed about. 

But his joy, was buried deep under the panic he felt at seeing Jinyoung’s face again.

He stared at the television and studied the male’s looks. Ten years had done nothing but make Jinyoung even more charming and attractive. Youngjae had always thought he was handsome, and despite the way he acted when they were teenagers, found him to be incredibly charismatic as well, and after a decade, it was like nothing had changed. He was older, of course, his face slightly worn out in little corners, and his hair a lighter brown color, but when he smiled, he still made Youngjae’s heart race as fast as it did when they were eighteen. 

He had tried so hard to avoid any thought of Jinyoung. For the past decade, he distracted himself with different boyfriends and girlfriends until all he had left was his own memories. Everything that happened, happened for Jinyoung. The Incident, which was how Youngjae liked to refer to it, was so deeply connected to his relationship with Jinyoung, as well as the boy himself, that even just a passing thought of him made Youngjae react in unpredictably negative ways.

And yet, here he was, standing face-to-face with the image of him splashed across the large television screen. He couldn’t look away.

As he continued to watch the scene unfold on the screen, Youngjae felt bits and pieces of his panic wash away. There was a calmness that came with hearing Jinyoung’s voice again. It was much deeper, but it still had the same tones and hit the same notes as it did ten years prior. He smiled, and Youngjae forced himself not to revert back to his teen self, whose mind was always occupied by thoughts of Jinyoung and every little detail that created him. In the years of constantly finding a temporary distraction, Youngjae managed to forget just how good it was to let himself feel what he wanted to feel. At the back of his mind, reminders of the Incident were constantly going off, but just for a moment, Youngjae wanted to ignore those sounds. 

It felt so freeing to just _feel_. He felt his heart beat at the sight of his old friend on the screen, and he remembered, for a moment, just exactly how in love he had been with Jinyoung. He buried himself in his excitement and soaked in it, allowing it to relax his limbs one by one until it was like he was back at the tool shed, staring at his neurotic friend as they both took a hit from a tiny joint. He hadn’t felt so embraced in such a long time.

Without another thought, Youngjae pulled his cousin by his shoulder and dragged him to the side, ignoring his protests.

“Dude, what the fuck?” Yugyeom whined, pulling himself away from the grip. 

“What do you know about him?” Youngjae immediately went straight to the point, keeping his vision on the television screen.

“Who?” Yugyeom turned to follow his cousin’s eyes. “You mean Park Jinyoung?”

Youngjae nodded.

“He’s like, a really big deal here,” He explained, watching the television along with Youngjae. “He was the second lead in this big romance drama a few years back and got real popular. He’s been in a couple of big stuff after that, but this one is _crazy_ popular. Seriously. Mom and Grandma won’t shut up about him.”

_Well, goddamn._ Jinyoung really _did_ excel at everything he did.

“Why? You into him or something?” Yugyeom teased, a teasing smirk playing at his lips as he poked his cousin with his elbow. Youngjae only rolled his eyes and ignored the statement. “Well, get in line. People call him the Nation’s First Love, or something stupid like that.” 

_I don’t know about the nation’s, but he was definitely mine._

Youngjae quickly excused himself from the conversation and went to kiss his grandmother good night before retreating into his room. He could hear his manager’s snoring from just outside the door and chuckled to himself. They were both extremely exhausted from the long flight and hadn’t had any time to rest yet, and if it weren’t for Youngjae’s most recent discovery, he’d probably be passed out as well. 

Youngjae opened his door slowly and tiptoed into his room, trying his best not to wake the male sleeping on a mattress on the floor. He changed into an old t-shirt from his wardrobe and some sweatpants before jumping into bed, fully intending to lie awake with the thought of Jinyoung floating around his mind. He had to figure out what he wanted to do. 

For ten years, Youngjae always had questions at the back of his mind about Jinyoung. It was difficult for him to forget that his friend’s “life plan” involved being a surgeon when that was _all_ he talked about. Even though he tried to avoid thoughts of Jinyoung, he would always find himself mindlessly browsing through websites of hospitals in Seoul, half-hoping that he would see Jinyoung on their roster of surgeons. At least now he knew why he was never able to find him. 

Seeing where Jinyoung ended up made Youngjae feel glad he did what he did. The Incident was bad, but it got Jinyoung to where he needed to be. 

After an hour of staring at the cracked paint on his ceiling, Youngjae decided to do some research on his phone. Taking out his earphones, he logged on to YouTube and did something he knew would answer the burning questions he’d had in his mind for years. 

With trembling fingers, he typed the name “Park Jinyoung” into the search bar, and anxiously waited as the page loaded. In less than a second, the page quickly showed him multiple videos of the male, with the content ranging from interviews, to variety shows, to clips of him from previous dramas he had acted in. Holding his breath, Youngjae clicked on the first video—a radio interview from just a month ago. 

Jinyoung looked good. Like, _really_ good. His hair was an organized mess, and he wore a fluffy blue sweater that had all the comments raving about how “boyfriend” he looked—whatever that meant. The interview was casual, and it seemed as though the radio host and Jinyoung had already known each other beforehand. Their conversation flowed so naturally it almost made Youngjae jealous.

“So, Jinyoung, you’ve definitely come a long way from playing the violin boy who stole everyone’s hearts seven years ago, how do you think your life’s changed since being on _Orchestra Cues_?” The host asked, prompting Jinyoung to chuckle. The name _Orchestra Cues_ was unfamiliar to Youngjae, so he paused the interview and quickly went on Google, trying to gain some context for the video he was watching.

_Orchestra Cues_ was the name of the drama that first launched Jinyoung into stardom. The drama, which boasted established actors as the main couple, featured the newcomer Jinyoung as its second lead, playing a quiet violin boy who temporarily won the heart of the female lead. After his appearance in this drama, his popularity increased significantly—a quick look at his filmography showed that he was fully booked _each year_ , starring in movies and dramas, and securing himself as a powerhouse actor in the industry. Processing the information, Youngjae closed the page and went back to YouTube, where he resumed the video.

“Well, aside from the stares and the selfies here and there, I wouldn’t say that much has changed. I think I’m still the same old me, just trying my best to make it in the industry.” Jinyoung responded diplomatically, a satisfied smile making its way to the surface. He seemed so composed—so professional. He was different from the Jinyoung he knew back then, the one who couldn’t go five minutes without making some sarcastic comment intended to lightly insult Youngjae. But with further thought, Youngjae couldn’t really be surprised—being composed was part of being a celebrity, and knowing Jinyoung, it was very much like him to completely throw himself into his occupation. 

“Humble as always,” The host complimented, and Youngjae snorted. A memory quickly popped in his mind of a seventeen-year-old Jinyoung dancing around the shed high as a cloud, and chanting the words ‘I’m the best’ for almost ten whole minutes. “So, one thing that fans have been _dying_ to know about you is music. What have you been listening to lately?”

Youngjae groaned. It was such a light question—he wanted to know more about Jinyoung’s life, he wanted to know all the things he had missed in ten years, not the music on his playlist. Youngjae didn’t even need to hear his answer anyway. Jinyoung was an avid listener of American Top 40 music, and no matter how hard Youngjae tried, he would never listen to anything else. 

Jinyoung listed off several American pop artists and Youngjae let out a small laugh. His music taste hadn’t changed one bit in a decade. The only thing that changed was that Youngjae was actually friends with some of the names Jinyoung listed, and that made things even funnier. 

“I’m also a fan of Ars.” 

Youngjae froze. That was him—that was his stage name. Jinyoung was talking about him and his music. It was a surreal moment. Youngjae’s breathing became strained as a billion scenarios ran through his mind. 

“Ars! Oh man, you know we love listening to Ars here.” 

Jinyoung nodded politely—as if his thoughts were clouded with something else, but continued to speak. “He has an amazing voice, and I think his music really speaks to me. His song _Hesitate_ is one of my favorite songs of all time.”

Youngjae held his breath. It was chilling coincidence that Jinyoung’s favorite song happened to be _Hesitate_ , considering it was something he had written in high school about Jinyoung himself. It was an incredibly personal song—one that he never intended for anyone to hear—but when Mark found it in a pile of old stuff Youngjae had recorded in his youth, there was no way he was going to let him hide it away again. 

“Wow, you sound like a real big fan, I hope you get to meet him someday!” The host exclaimed excitedly. Jinyoung smiled along with him but there was something about his expression that seemed to hide something more.

“Yeah, I hope so too.” Jinyoung responded softly, the smile on his face remained as he stared off somewhere, as if hopeful in a way. 

Without hearing the rest of the interview, Youngjae closed the app and returned to staring at the ceiling. He had come out of watching that interview with one conclusion: Jinyoung still thought about him. He even mentioned one of his songs by name—which meant that Jinyoung listened to his music and thought about him. It had to be a sign. It had to mean something that Jinyoung could openly talk about Youngjae like that—maybe that Youngjae still meant _something_ to Jinyoung. 

Acting on impulse, Youngjae opened Twitter on his personal account and began searching for fan accounts dedicated to the actor. He didn’t know exactly what he was looking for, maybe more information that indicated things weren’t completely hopeless between the two. Youngjae had allowed his feelings to roam free and now he was acting completely on impulse—it was the best he’d felt in years.

It didn’t take long for him to find a trustworthy account—one with thousands of followers—and scrolled through their tweets. They were mostly filled with updates on his schedules as well as clips taken from his current drama, but it took time for Youngjae to find something substantial. As he mindlessly scrolled through the account’s tweets, a wrong tap accidentally led him to the top of the page again, leading him to silently groan in frustration. He was ready to give up his whole charade and catch up on some sleep when the account’s pinned tweet caught his eye—it was a calendar of Jinyoung’s schedules for the month. Youngjae didn’t know what he was trying to do, but he opened the file anyway, and spotted something coming up not too far from now. Youngjae read the details and understood it as a taping for a variety show happening on Friday—less than forty-eight hours from now. 

Youngjae didn’t necessarily know what to do with this information until an idea suddenly popped into his brain. It was slightly crazy and _completely_ against the rules and restraints he had set for himself before coming home, but there was something about being back in his old room that made him think, _fuck it_. 

“Mark!” Youngjae called, shaking the older male to wake him.

“What?” Mark shouted exasperatedly, his eyes still closed but fully awake. 

“I need your help.”

“Can’t it wait until the morning or something?”

“No, I need your help now.” 

Mark groaned loudly and sat up. “God, you little shit. What is it?”

Youngjae took a deep breath and spoke. “I need you to get me a spot at this variety show.”

“What? Why?” Mark was confused. Youngjae had specifically requested not to accept any show offers by local media outlets—he was particularly insistent on keeping his visit lowkey. 

“Because…” Youngjae was trying hard to think of a reason that his manager would deem acceptable. “Because it’s my grandma’s favorite show and I think she’d love seeing me as a guest on it.”

Mark face softened slightly at the mention of his grandmother and nodded. “Okay, sure. What is it called?”

Youngjae glanced at his phone screen. “It’s called _Buzz Time_ , whatever the fuck that means.”

“Okay. I’ll reach out to some people tomorrow and see if they have a spot for you sometime in the year.” Mark said and prepared himself to lie down once again, but not before Youngjae pulled him back up. 

“No. They’re having a taping on Friday. I want to be on that one.”

Mark was expressionless and silent. Until he burst.

“Are you fucking crazy?” He half-shouted, the volume shocking Youngjae. “I’m not some goddamn miracle worker! How do you expect me to squeeze you in some show that’s taping _tomorrow_ , when I don’t even know how the whole industry works in this country?”

“Mark, come on, _pleaseeeeee_ ,” Youngjae begged, pulling out his pout. “You told me yourself, all these stations and shows go crazy for me whenever I have a show in Korea. It can’t be _that_ hard to sneak me in for Friday.”

“Dude, I don’t know—”

“Please? It’s Grandma’s favorite show.” Youngjae knew it was slightly fucked up to use his grandmother for leverage over his friend, but once he had his mind set on something there was little he wouldn’t do to get it. 

Mark sighed, knowing full well that he had lost. “I’ll call Changkyun in the morning and we’ll figure something out.” 

With just one statement, Youngjae’s big smile immediately appeared and he rolled off his bed to hug his manager, who only seemed to want to push him off.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!” Youngjae repeated, squeezing the older male tight. Mark seemed to give up pushing him away and was now lying still on the mattress, waiting for the moment to end.

“Okay, now get off and let me sleep.” He begged and Youngjae listened. He pulled away from his friend and crawled back to his bed, where he continued to stare at his ceiling until he, too, drifted into sleep.

+

Breakfast the next morning was loud and chaotic—the way it always was when Yugyeom and the rest of his extended family were involved. His aunt and grandmother cooked a big breakfast for all his relatives who were also staying at the house, and Youngjae waited with a growling stomach for the meal to be ready. When his grandmother was in the kitchen, the only person she trusted to cook alongside her was his aunt—nobody else was to enter her sanctuary. Youngjae was a good grandson, but he knew better than to get on his grandmother’s bad side. 

Yugyeom emerged from his room, yawning loudly and still in his pajamas. He took a seat beside Youngjae and laid his head on his shoulder, closing his eyes as if to go back to sleep. 

“Where’s Mark?” His cousin mumbled.

“Outside, making a few calls.” Youngjae tried his best not to sound too jittery at the thought of possibly getting a spot at the show. Mark had been up since five in the morning (partly due to his jetlag) making arrangements and deals to get Youngjae the spot he so desperately wanted.

Yugyeom simply shook his and chuckled. “I should’ve never introduced you two. Neither of you can ever get the other to stop working.”

“You gotta admit it was weird that a sixteen-year-old was best friends with a twenty-two-year-old.” 

“He was my tutor, goddamnit!” 

Youngjae snorted. “Yeah, still weird.”

Yugyeom rolled his eyes and shoved him, almost pushing him off the chair entirely. Youngjae almost pushed his cousin back, only much harder, but stopped himself when he realized how immature that would be. _You’re twenty-eight. Calm. Keep it cool. Yugyeom’s always been a little shit._

“As expected, the old man doesn’t have the balls to fight back.” Yugyeom sneered, and Youngjae just about lost it.

“I’m only four years older than you, asswipe!” He shot back and pushed his cousin. The two bickered for a moment until a figure approached them, interrupting their fight.

“Ars, prepared to kiss my feet.” A deep voice announced. Youngjae looked up and saw his manager standing with the most smug expression he had ever seen.

“You got it?” He asked, excitement rising in his voice.

“Of course I got it!” Mark exclaimed. Youngjae practically jumped out of his seat to give his friend a bone-crushing hug. “You think I’m some sort of amateur or something?”

“No, of course not, I knew you could do it!” Youngjae hugged him even tighter as his joy spread all around his body.

“What are you doing?” Yugyeom asked from his seat, confused.

“I’m going to be on _Buzz Time_ tomorrow.” Youngjae explained happily, his wide smile never faltering even for a second. 

His explanation seemed to make Yugyeom even more confused. “Why are you going on _Buzz Time_? That show’s kind of trashy, no offense.” 

“Youngjae said it’s your grandma’s favorite show, so being on it would be a cute little surprise for her birthday.”

Yugyeom made a face, as if trying to process Mark’s response. “Grandma doesn’t watch _Bu_ —”

Thinking on his feet, Youngjae quickly covered Yugyeom’s mouth with his hand. He wasn’t going to let his stupid cousin ruin this for him. “Hey, Yugyeom, don’t you think you should set the table for breakfast? Give Grandma less work to do?” 

Yugyeom licked his hand in an effort to get him to release, and it worked, pushing Youngjae into burst of disgusted screams. He stood from his chair and gave both Youngjae and Mark a strange look.

“You two are weird. Old people are weird.” He commented, and made his way to gather the plates and utensils needed to set the table. 

Youngjae breathed a sigh of relief—he couldn’t have Mark knowing the real reason why he was so desperate to be on _Buzz Time._ It was a reason that Youngjae couldn’t even face himself now that it was a new day and his mind was clear of the dreamy fog that clouded it last night. He had pestered and manipulated his manager into getting him a last-minute spot on a foreign variety show _just_ so he could see his high school crush again. Maybe Jinyoung rubbed off on him more than he thought. 

The rest of the day went by as slow as it could—the way it does when anticipation is involved. Youngjae spent the day lounging around the house, watching television with his grandmother, or playing video games with Yugyeom. Mark and Yugyeom left the house in the afternoon to go around the neighborhood, but Youngjae stayed back, instead choosing to watch more videos of Jinyoung. 

Despite spending the day immersing himself with content featuring Jinyoung, Youngjae tried his best not to think too much about their meeting the next day. Overthinking was something Youngjae easily allowed himself to fall into—it was the reason why he smoked so much weed in high school—and anticipating their reunion too much would just ruin everything. He would just end up finding a fault in every single thing, and the fear would bubble up until it became an explosion, ruining everything that made him excited in the first place. He couldn’t let that happen.

Unfortunately, Youngjae didn’t have very much restraint. 

The alarm that was set to wake the two males up at seven in the morning did nothing but startle the already-awake Youngjae. It was the day he was supposed to reunite with the single most important person of his formative years (besides his own grandmother), and Choi Youngjae didn’t get a lick of sleep. Why? He had managed to convince himself (through overthinking) that Jinyoung absolutely hated him. It made all the sense in the world—after everything that happened, Youngjae just ran away to America and stayed put for ten years, never finding the courage to even just pick up a laptop and add Jinyoung on Facebook. They were supposed to be friends—best friends, even, by the time they were seniors—and Jinyoung probably thought the radio silence meant that he didn’t care enough to reach out. Youngjae wanted to punch himself for being such an idiot.

For the entire morning, from breakfast, to his shower, to the drive to the station, Youngjae’s mind stayed set on the thought that the day would only end in disaster. He was an idiot. He was the biggest idiot in the world. What made him think it was a good idea to follow his heart instead of his mind? He avoided Jinyoung for a reason. He made rules for himself, and rules weren’t meant to be broken as easily as he broke his own.

When they finally made it to the studio, Youngjae had to hold on to his manager to stop himself from completely collapsing at the thought of seeing Jinyoung again. Just a day before, he couldn’t stop smiling with anticipation, but now the mere thought was enough to make him faint. Things were always hot and cold when Jinyoung was involved.

They arrived at the studio a little earlier than the other guests, both of them not too sure about how broadcast shows worked in the country. Changkyun, a manager from Youngjae’s company who usually took care of his activities in Asia, had told them to arrive at the station early in the morning, as well as sent over a stylist to make sure Youngjae was primed and ready to make his first _ever_ appearance on a Korean variety show. Everything had been meticulously planned so quickly, and it seemed like just about everyone was ready for the taping except Youngjae himself.

The many producers and writers of the show greeted him in his waiting room, all of them never failing to mention how shocked but excited they were to hear that _the_ Ars wanted to appear as a guest on the show last-minute. He could also tell that there was a certain pride that they held for managing to book the famously reclusive Ars as a guest. 

Once his hair and makeup were finished, Youngjae was led to the set by Mark, who seemed proud of the work he had done in such a small period of time. There was another guest scheduled for the taping aside from Youngjae and Jinyoung, and he was already sitting on the couch, ready for taping. His name was Jackson Wang—according to Yugyeom, he was a Chinese idol who was well-known for his variety show skills. His boy group, also according to his cousin, wasn’t that bad, either.

The Chinese idol turned his head when he heard Youngjae approach the set and gasped. His face looked extremely familiar to Youngjae, but he had a difficult time figuring out where he knew him from.

“Oh my god, Ars?” He shouted disbelievingly, his jaw dropping. Youngjae couldn’t help but laugh as he sat beside him.

“You’re Jackson Wang, right? It’s great to meet you!” Youngjae greeted cheerfully and held his hand out. The male still kept his jaw on the floor, as if trapped in time. 

“I-I had no idea you were the surprise guest! I am _such_ a huge fan, I’ve been to every single one of your concerts in both Korea and China. Holy shit, this is _crazy_ , I can’t believe I’m sitting next to the legend who beat _Adele_ for a Grammy! Oh my god, I’m—” Jackson suddenly stopped midway through when he realized how overly-enthusiastic he sounded. Youngjae didn’t mind at all—it was helping him get his mind off of his Jinyoung-induced panic. Jackson quickly composed himself and smoothed out his shirt as if to start over. “I’m looking forward to working with you today, Mr. Ars.”

There was something about the idol that made Youngjae feel completely welcome and incredibly calm—he felt compelled to be his friend. “Please, just call me Youngjae.”

Jackson made his shocked face again, and this time Youngjae couldn’t help but laugh. “Ah...okay, Y-Youngjae.”

Youngjae’s brief moment of distraction ended when the idol was called away by a producer, presumably to discuss details about the taping. Just as quickly as it had left, Youngjae’s anxiety returned. His eyes scanned the set, looking for a familiar set of eye crinkles, but they were nowhere to be found. The taping was due to start in less than five minutes—the Jinyoung he knew was an hour early to everything.

A part of him was relieved—relieved that he wouldn’t have to fix his mistake, even though he voluntarily placed himself in this position. The thought of Jinyoung suddenly being unable to attend the taping made the feeling of relief grow even more. In the moment, seeing Jinyoung would just turn him into an anxious mess—as if he wasn’t one already. 

That was when he heard it. The somewhat evenly-toned laugh that always felt restrained and soft. Youngjae always thought it was the prettiest melody he had ever heard. 

Without thinking, Youngjae’s head turned to follow the laugh, and there he was. His Jinyoung. Eye crinkles, covered laugh, and everything. He looked even better than anything cameras could catch. It felt like Youngjae was falling in love like a stupid teenager all over again. He was talking to a producer alongside Jackson, and the three of them were laughing. Youngjae was staring and he couldn’t find it himself to stop.

His heart was in control now. Youngjae felt the urge to stand and join them—reintroduce himself to Jinyoung and strike a conversation without having some set plan. His feet moved without any command, but they stopped when his mind brought his attention to his untied shoelaces. 

_Fuck._ Youngjae ducked his head under the table to reach his shoes, realizing that he had accidentally untied both of them in the midst of his anxiety attacks. As he began tying his laces, he could hear the shuffle of feet around him, and he checked his watch—there was only a minute left before taping was set to begin and everybody was running to get to their spots. Youngjae tied his laces as quickly as he could before immediately lifting his head from under the table.

What Youngjae didn’t expect, however, was immediately meeting the eye crinkles he loved so much the exact moment he sat upright. There Jinyoung was, sitting on the couch opposite of him, and staring at him with all the shock and confusion in the world.

As the production assistant began counting down the seconds until the taping, Jinyoung only managed to say one word.

“Youngjae.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading this week's two chapters! i love ya love ya and if you wanna come talk to me or anything, find me on twitter: @KlNGARS (the l is a lowercase L sdjfsk) okay yes super cool feel free to comment or kudos or yes! i love you


	5. -3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! thank you to everyone who read last weeks chapters and left kudos and comments, your words are so sweet and so greatly appreciated, I LOVE EVERYONE SO MUCH sjfsdhfks anyway here's this week's pair of chapters. a bunch of stuff happens so please feel free to comment your thoughts or anything!!

2009

Jinyoung was high. Like, _really_ high. 

To be fair, he had gotten into the biggest fight with his parents—to the point where several framed photos were left broken on the floor. All Jinyoung did was suggest the possibility of him also doing theater as an extracurricular in college, and his parents completely _flipped_. He needed to focus on his studies, he needed to get the best grades, he needed to get a residency at a good hospital—everything felt more and more suffocating. 

When the fight calmed down, Jinyoung went to his room where he cried hot, angry tears. His mind was clouded with anger and stress, and he knew he couldn’t be in this state for very long unless he wanted something bad to happen. So he reached out to the only person he felt comfortable talking about his life with.

_Are you awake?_

It was almost midnight, on a school night no less, so Jinyoung would understand if he never received a text back. On most days, he’d already be asleep by ten. 

**Duh**

**What’s up?**

Jinyoung held his breath. He wasn’t expecting such a quick response.

_Bad stuff happened. Would it be too late to meet up?_

**No of course not!!!!!**

**Should I come over??**

Jinyoung shook his head. There was no way he was going to let his only friend see this mess. 

_No. I’ll come to you. Where do you live?_

It didn’t take long for Youngjae to respond with his address, along with detailed instructions to go to the back of the house and throw _three_ pebbles to the second window from the right. Taking his backpack with him, Jinyoung climbed out his window and successfully escaped the hellhole of his own home. Youngjae’s house wasn’t far from Jinyoung’s—only ten minutes by foot. But the walk was good for him. It helped him forget about the mess that had occurred just thirty minutes before. 

After ten minutes, Jinyoung was at the back of Youngjae’s modest home, throwing exactly three pebbles at the second window from the right. Immediately after the final pebble, the window opened and Youngjae’s head popped out. He smiled the way he always did—wide and sincere, until his cheeks turned into apples—and Jinyoung immediately felt warm inside. The window wasn’t too high from the ground, and Jinyoung was able to climb into the room without much difficulty.

“Welcome to my room.” Youngjae greeted, smiling contentedly. Jinyoung took a quick glance around the room and found it to look exactly the way he had imagined. The walls were covered with posters of different singers and bands, and at the corner of the room, he could see a keyboard and a guitar, along with a microphone stand. He assumed this was where he recorded his music.

“It’s very... _Youngjae_.” Jinyoung commented, continuing to observe his surroundings.

“Thank you…? I can’t tell if that was a compliment or not.” 

“It’s neither a compliment or an insult. Just an observation.” Jinyoung responded bluntly, and sat on the bed.

Youngjae cocked his head to the side and let out a small laugh at his reply before shaking his head, as if already used to him.

“You look like you need to loosen up.” He decided, and walked over to a bookshelf opposite the bed. He pulled some books from a certain part of the shelf to the side, exposing a tin box taped to the wall. He took the tin box and sat beside Jinyoung, opening its lid for Jinyoung to see Youngjae’s personal weed stash.

As Youngjae began preparing the joint, Jinyoung’s mind ran through the events of the night. It was all incredibly frustrating and he couldn’t help but let out an angry groan before falling back on the bed. He let his head hit the soft mattress before he closed his eyes, trying hard to forget the fight.

“You can talk to me, you know,” Youngjae spoke softly, causing Jinyoung’s eyes to open. “I know our relationship only extends to me selling you weed, and you tutoring me, but you can trust me.”

There it was again—that dangerously earnest look. Jinyoung felt a pang of guilt when he heard Youngjae’s interpretation of their friendship, and he couldn’t help but think that it was partly his fault for being so detached and closed off.

“My parents…” Jinyoung began, sitting up. “All I did was mention that I might want to do theater stuff for fun in college and they...went completely nuts.” 

“Why?”

“Said it’d distract me from my studies, and that I should devote all my time to doing well in my classes.”

“So, basically, the way you are now.”

“Yeah, and look where that got me.” Jinyoung huffed, referring to his lack of anger management and free time.

Youngjae placed a hand on his chest and scoffed. “Excuse me, I don’t think meeting me was _that_ bad.” 

Jinyoung was taken aback by the comment, but panicked all the same. “No, I didn’t mean you—that’s not what I meant!”

“I know, dude, I was just kidding.” Youngjae chuckled, finishing up the joint. Jinyoung’s face lit up at the sight of the tiny roll, eager to reach out. But just as he was ready to take it, Youngjae pulled it away.

“Why?” Jinyoung whined, furrowing his brows.

“Before you get high as fuck in my bedroom, I have a few words to say,” Youngjae continued withholding the joint from him, his face switching from playful to serious in mere milliseconds. “Don’t let yourself fall into the same trap you’ve been stuck in since elementary school. For as long as I’ve known you, all you’ve cared about are studying and grades, and that’s completely fine. But you never let yourself enjoy doing other things, and that’s _not_ fine. Your parents are...well, they’re adults—but so are you. You don’t have to _not_ do something just because your parents threw a fit. I’m not saying you should give them the middle finger and do the complete opposite of everything they want, but you need to remember that this is _your_ life. You can do whatever you want, and you should do the things that make you happy. Don’t stop yourself from enjoying things.”

Jinyoung didn’t know what to say. Nobody had ever known enough about him to give such insightful advice before—he’d never let anyone in deep enough to actually care the way Youngjae sounded like he did. It was strange to feel cared for. A part of his mind kept reminding him that this was temporary and a waste of time, a security measure intended to protect him. But Jinyoung didn’t feel like he needed to be protected—at least not from this.

“T-Thank you.” He choked out, not really knowing what else to say. Youngjae simply smiled and placed the joint between his lips, taking a lighter before allowing the substance to enter his lungs. He took it away with his fingers and gently placed it between Jinyoung’s lips, waiting for him to move.

That was how Jinyoung ended up being _very_ high. Time had passed slowly and rapidly at the same time, and he found himself lying on the floor of his friend’s room, staring at the glow-in-the-dark star stickers stuck on the ceiling. Youngjae was beside him, staring at the ceiling as he continued smoking. Jinyoung snuck a quick glance at the male and found himself silently admiring his features. He had a tiny mole just under his right eye, and a nose that curved inwards just slightly. Jinyoung noticed how his eyes disappeared when he smiled, and the thought made his stone heart jump just a little. His hair was a soft, brown mop that resided on his head, falling just under his eyebrows. Jinyoung always thought he looked much too innocent and sweet to be a drug dealer. Aside from that, he never really paid much attention to Youngjae’s physical appearance—Youngjae was just... _Youngjae_. But now that he _was_ paying attention, it didn’t take very long for Jinyoung to notice that he was attractive. He was physically appealing. _Too_ physically appealing for Jinyoung to not notice. Did he really have to be this high and vulnerable at one in the morning to realize a fact that now seemed so obvious? A thought popped into his mind and Jinyoung could only laugh. _Maybe if I had the time..._

“I’d date you.” Jinyoung blurted out, accidentally continuing his thoughts out loud. Youngjae slowly turned his head, surprised by the sudden comment. Jinyoung, on the other hand, was much too high to fully comprehend what he had just said, and couldn’t be bothered to react in the neurotic way his sober self would have. 

“You’d...what?” Youngjae asked softly. It was the first time Jinyoung had ever seen him look so small—so unsure. He knew he should’ve stopped talking, but he couldn’t.

“You’re very physically appealing. _Very_.” Jinyoung said without hesitation, as if it were common knowledge (although he was beginning to believe that it should be). 

Jinyoung expected him to break out into laughter, or have that smile of his that he knew was Youngjae’s way of saying _you’re unbelievable but I’ll deal with you anyway_. But it never came. Instead, his face maintained the look of shock that had resided there for almost a minute now. The world around them seemed fuzzy, and Jinyoung didn’t know anything else other than that Youngjae had apparently always been attractive and this was the first time he’d paid attention to anyone long enough to notice such a fact. It felt like a dream—like the things he was saying wouldn’t have any consequences for anyone. Jinyoung had never been one to censor his words, but these types of thoughts should have been different. At least in theory.

“You would go out with me?” Youngjae sounded so small and quiet, it took Jinyoung aback. He had always been such a loud and cheerful presence, even when Jinyoung didn’t want him to be, and this was a side of him that he was very unfamiliar with.

“Why not?” Jinyoung replied, not noticing how Youngjae’s face slightly lit up at his response. “You’re the one who said I don’t let myself enjoy things.”

“Oh.” Youngjae responded quietly and looked away. Jinyoung didn’t notice how deep in thought he was, and took the joint from his hands, taking one last hit before lying back down on the ground. 

“We’ve got school tomorrow!” Jinyoung exclaimed, suddenly remembering the time. His friend chuckled, finally breaking away from his thoughts. “I should probably go home.”

“Your parents will kill you if they smell this on you.” Youngjae reminded, pointing at the joint. 

“Crap, you’re right.” 

“You could stay over...if you want.” Youngjae suggested this with such a soft voice that Jinyoung almost couldn’t catch what he said. Jinyoung tried to hide how surprised the offer made him feel. Maybe to other people— _normal_ people—this was an obvious offer, something to be expected given the situation they were in. His sister would’ve laughed in his face if she knew how much he was overthinking it. 

But Jinyoung never had any friends. He spent his whole life _convinced_ that having other people in his life was just a waste of time. He was better than everyone else, anyway. As a result of this, he didn’t know if what Youngjae was offering was genuine or not. They were friends, but Jinyoung just wasn’t sure if Youngjae considered them friends too.

“Are we friends?” Jinyoung asked rather bluntly, needing the question to be answered as quickly as possible.

“You’re my friend. But I don’t know if I’m yours.” Jinyoung winced. He knew he should have toned down his entire act the moment he began considering Youngjae a friend. 

“You’re my only friend.” He admitted. The marijuana was still clouding his brain and messing up his filters, there was no way for Jinyoung to be secretive or coy anymore. Youngjae could ask him _anything_ and he would answer sincerely.

A smile crept at the corners of Youngjae’s lips and he sat up. “You should stay the night. We could have a third grade sleepover!” He proposed excitedly.

“What’s that?” 

“When you stay at a friend’s house and eat way too much candy, play computer games, and talk about which teachers hate your guts.”

“Sounds exhausting.”

“Duh, that’s the point!” Youngjae’s smile was wide and it was difficult for Jinyoung not to smile as well. “It’ll be fun! Plus, no one’s home so we can be as loud as we want.”

Jinyoung stopped in his tracks. “No one’s home?” He repeated, earning a nod from Youngjae. “Then why’d you make me climb your window, asshole?”

Youngjae smiled until his eyes disappeared. “Just wanted to see if you’d do it.” 

Jinyoung rolled his eyes and lightly shoved his shoulder. “Dick.”

“That makes two of us,” He joked, earning himself another shove that led to him falling on his back. “So?”

Jinyoung thought again. It was incredibly irresponsible and not to mention _stupid_ —school was starting in less than seven hours, and they were making plans to stay up and play computer games. He knew he should be thinking rationally, but he couldn’t. Jinyoung decided it was about time he experienced a bit of fun and danger. 

“Will you teach me how to play computer games?” That was enough to make Youngjae’s smile even wider—if that was even possible—as he quickly pulled Jinyoung to the massive computer set up on his desk. 

The next day, they both came to school with bags under their eyes and stomachs full of random snacks as a result of the munchies. Jinyoung felt physically miserable, but despite almost falling asleep in class for the very first time, he could never manage to shake off the smile that seemed persistent to show itself. 

+

Jinyoung didn’t see Youngjae much for several days after that. His relationship with his parents was in an extremely rocky place, and he voluntarily isolated himself for days to focus on getting back into his parents’ good graces. He knew he was going to be emotionally volatile for some time, and he would rather not scare his new friend away by unnecessarily lashing out on him. 

The next Monday, Jinyoung visited the shed. He’d had an incredibly lonely and tiring weekend with just his family, that all he wanted was to have some time with a friend who could make him laugh. So, he texted Youngjae that he would be visiting the shed at lunch time and came by right as the bell rang. He didn’t need to knock, as Youngjae opened the door the moment he arrived, as if he had been actively waiting.

“Back from the dead, I see.” Youngjae remarked, smirking.

“You have no idea.” 

Jinyoung walked inside the shed and sat on the chair, letting out a sigh of relief once he entered the familiar space. 

“I take it things with your parents didn’t go well?”

Jinyoung shook his head. “Hell on earth. But, at least they’ve stopped lecturing me and calling me the failure of the family, so I guess progress has been made.”

Youngjae pouted and placed a comforting hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder. “You want to get high?”

“Oh, no. I still haven’t recovered from last time.”

“Oh,” Youngjae pulled his hand away abruptly. “So...what do you want to do?”

“Talk?” Jinyoung suggested. “We don’t always have to get high whenever we see each other.”

“N-No, you’re totally right. _Completely_ right.” He stammered and let out a nervous smile. This was unusual. 

“Is everything okay?” _Did I do something wrong?  
_

“Peachy!” Youngjae shouted almost immediately, making Jinyoung jump. “Everything is absolutely amazing!” 

“You’re being really jumpy for no reason. Are you sure things are okay?” Jinyoung stood from his chair and placed a hand on his shoulder, the touch somehow causing Youngjae to jump. Something was definitely going on. “Did I do something?”

“Not exactly.” Youngjae responded, albeit softly. 

“I’m getting a bit worried. Just tell me what’s wrong.”

“I have something to ask you!” He shouted, turning around. Their faces were incredibly close now, and when Youngjae noticed, he took a quick step back. 

“What is it?”

“Um, so on Friday, the music school that I train at has this big banquet thing that they do every year for students graduating the program, a-and I’m graduating, so I have to go.”

“Congratulations, Youngjae! I’m so proud of you!” Jinyoung felt genuine happiness for his friend. It was good to know that he was at least serious about his music.

“Thank you. Um, but like I was saying, so... _I_ have to go, and it’s going to be this boring snooze-fest where my teachers make speeches, and we get certificates, and I’m going to sing—”

“Wait, that sounds great!” Jinyoung _loved_ graduation ceremonies. It was a ceremony made specifically to celebrate his accomplishments.

“I-I guess. But, anyway, they let us bring people to accompany us, k-kinda like dates...and I was wondering if you’d like to come with me…” Youngjae’s voice continued decreasing in volume, but Jinyoung understood what he was trying to say. And he wasn’t sure how to exactly process it all. 

“I was just thinking that because it’ll be so boring, it’d be super fun to have you there with me! Plus, I need someone to record my performance, and take pictures of me getting my certificate, and I mean, we’re not _really_ dating, it’s just some dumb title that people use, you’d really just be a homie accompanying another homie to—”

“Is this because of what I said?” Faint, hazy memories of the night at Youngjae’s house returned to Jinyoung’s mind in a flash, and he remembered the words he had said so recklessly, not thinking of the consequences it held. 

“Well—I mean...yeah…” Youngjae admitted, looking at the ground. 

Jinyoung took a deep breath. He didn’t like what he was going to have to do, but he had to make sure Youngjae didn’t misunderstand. Friendships were still manageable with his schedule, but full-blown relationships and romance was something Jinyoung _really_ didn’t have time for. 

“I was high,” Jinyoung would be lying if he said his heart didn’t ache just a bit when he saw Youngjae’s face completely fall. He was so stupid. He couldn’t believe he’d let himself act so recklessly. “You’re just my friend, Youngjae.”

“No, yeah, I know but I’m taking you as a friend—”

“Even if you’re taking me just as a friend, it’s just too weird.”

“Oh.” Youngjae looked to the ground, failing to conceal the sad expression on his face. This was the first time Jinyoung had ever seen him look so down, and it gave him an unfamiliar feeling of pain, knowing that he was the cause. 

“I can’t go with you,” He said, delivering the final blow. He didn’t need to have their friendship ruined by something so trivial like adolescent puppy love—he needed to end things before they even started. It didn’t matter that he still maintained a desire to possibly date Youngjae if he ever had the time. “You should take someone else. Someone who you’ll have _way_ more fun with.”

He half-expected Youngjae to refuse—to defy his request and be more persistent with his initial intentions. But that never happened. Instead, Youngjae simply smiled weakly and nodded, understanding Jinyoung’s request.

“I will. I’m sorry if I freaked you out for a bit.” Jinyoung watched as his expression quickly changed from sad to cheerful. It wasn’t a natural change. But what could Jinyoung do about it?

“Congratulations again, by the way. I really am proud of you.” Youngjae only gave him a small, polite smile as a response, and the rest of their lunch period was spent in a mix of awkward silence and failed attempts to generate new topics of conversation. When the bell finally rang, it became a race to see which of them could escape the situation faster. 

Youngjae didn’t wave goodbye to him as they parted ways like they usually did. He just gave another weak smile and went on his way. Jinyoung couldn’t help but groan at how stupid he was being. Youngjae’s reaction made him feel awful, it was almost enough to make Jinyoung chase after him and change his answer. But something like that couldn’t happen. Jinyoung was already in enough hot water with his parents—a relationship was the last thing he could handle. Still, Jinyoung couldn’t help but allow his brain to replay the memory of how Youngjae looked that night. Maybe one day, when he had more time.


	6. 3

2019

Youngjae was frozen in every way possible. His mind couldn’t think of anything else other than the fact that Jinyoung was staring right at him, and looking at him the same way he did when they were eighteen. For a second, Youngjae believed they were back at the tool shed, laughing over something stupid one of them had said. But when he blinked, he realized where they actually were—a big television set with at least fifty people watching intently behind the cameras. All he could hear was Jinyoung saying his name. It was the first time he had heard it in a decade, he missed the way his name rolled off his tongue. He wanted more. Wanted to talk to him, to know more about him. But as the production assistant finished the countdown, the hosts of the show began talking, and Jinyoung’s look of surprise and vulnerability shifted so quickly that it was hard to believe it had ever been there at all. Jinyoung wasn’t Jinyoung now—he was _Park Jinyoung_ , the Nation’s First Love, and the rapid change in his expression reflected his awareness of his new title so well.

Now Youngjae had to change how he looked too. He was certain he looked like a deer in the headlights. He was on a variety show as Ars, not Choi Youngjae. He had to adjust as well. 

“We have a _very_ special guest joining us today—in his first _ever_ variety show, it’s Ars himself!” One of the hosts announced, and everyone on the show began clapping for him. Youngjae quickly moved into his Ars persona and smiled sheepishly, playing the act of a shy, but likable international artist.

“Hello everyone, my name is Ars!” He greeted the camera and smiled until his eyes disappeared—just the way he knew people liked. 

“Ah, it’s the famous moon-smile! My weak heart!” Another host exclaimed, grasping at his chest.

Youngjae tried not to look in Jinyoung’s direction, but when he managed a small glance, he noticed the male watching him closely—as if studying him. It must’ve been strange. It was strange for Youngjae. They had both known each other before all the fame, before all the success. Jinyoung was just an annoying overachiever to Youngjae, and Youngjae was just an aimless stoner to Jinyoung. Now they both had different titles and were different people. It was strange. 

As the taping went on, the hosts asked penetrating questions hidden under a blanket of jokes and light teasing, and Youngjae noticed how Jinyoung did well even under this situation. Both Yugyeom and Changkyun had warned him about _Buzz Time_ —the hosts were known to ask personal and sensitive questions that often snuck up on the guests due to the light nature of the show. Many scandals had emerged from the show itself, and Changkyun warned him not to get too wrapped up in their questions. Youngjae had been in a fair amount of trappy interviews over the past eight years, he knew how to handle himself, but he had to admit his surprise when he noticed how expertly Jinyoung juggled the hosts and answered their questions without revealing too much about himself. 

“Ars, why have you never been a guest on any show until now? Don’t like your own home country?” Youngjae chuckled on the inside. The question was so obviously a trap, and Youngjae knew exactly how to handle it. 

Maintaining his shy, but sweet persona, Youngjae answered. “To be honest, I’ve always been very shy. I was so afraid of being a guest on one of these shows and suddenly have the world hate me.”

The hosts and Jackson cooed. “That’s impossible, Ars! Everyone loves you!” Jackson insisted, pouting.

“So, you would say you’ve always been shy?” A deep voice asked. It was Jinyoung. He had his arms crossed and his back leaned on the couch. He was smirking. He knew Youngjae’s answer was complete bullshit. God, he missed that smirk so much. Youngjae couldn’t help but smirk himself.

“In a way.” They were both smiling like they had a secret now—and they did. But it was much too obvious, that the hosts _had_ to point something out. 

“That’s hard to believe.” Jinyoung was taunting him now. They started off the taping in complete shock and with the intent of avoiding the other for the time being, but after Youngjae’s answer, he knew Jinyoung just couldn’t stay silent. 

“Wow, Jinyoung, are _you_ the host now?” One of the hosts teased, leading Jinyoung to laugh and deny the comment. “Actually, we can’t be surprised by this interaction, seeing as you two are old friends, right?”

Both Youngjae and Jinyoung froze. They looked at each other, and then at the hosts. How did they know that?

“You two are old friends?” Jackson asked, completely bewildered by the information.

Youngjae glanced back at Jinyoung, whose shocked expression remained for a split second before he seamlessly shifted back into his celebrity persona, like the professional he was. Youngjae knew he had to do the same.

“They went to the same high school! We even have a picture!” The hosts gave a nod to the producers behind the camera and an old photo of Youngjae and Jinyoung from high school was pulled up on a nearby screen. 

It was taken from their yearbook, and the picture caught them in the middle of a conversation they were having in the lunchroom. Underneath it, there was a caption in a colorful font that said, “Two future stars discussing the fate of the entertainment industry”, likely added by the producers. Youngjae put all his concentration on holding back his laughter, and when he glanced over at Jinyoung, he was doing the same. He remembered that picture so clearly—it was taken during lunchtime just a few days after they had gotten high together for the second time. Youngjae remembered how Jinyoung got on his nerves that day after he kept complaining about the weed that Youngjae had given him, distinctly remembering how hard he fought the urge to punch him in the face at the very moment that picture was taken. They were bickering like children, but that was the conversation that allowed them to establish their old knocking code—something that had gotten them out of trouble more than once. 

Youngjae glanced at Jinyoung again, and a small, knowing smile formed across his lips. Of course Jinyoung would remember what happened in that picture. Youngjae gave him a look that said, _I know_ , and they both burst into a tiny laughter. For a second, it felt like they were friends again. 

“Did any of you know that you two would end up being such successful entertainers?” A host asked, pulling them both from their silent conversation.

Jinyoung cleared his throat and nodded. “I always knew that he would make it big as a singer. It was the one thing he was so motivated about.” Youngjae gave him a warm, sincere smile. Despite Jinyoung’s disdain for his lack of interest in school, he had always loved how Youngjae was so focused on his music, and in turn, that was what made Youngjae love him even more. 

“How about you, Ars?”

“Well, to be honest, in high school, Jinyoung had very different ambitions, and I was surprised to hear that he had become an actor. But for as long as I’ve known him, I always knew that he would be successful in anything he tried to do—and I was right.” Youngjae answered, smiling as the hosts began commenting on their support for one another. 

“So, have you two kept in touch since then?” That _definitely_ hit a tender spot in both of them. He instinctively looked over at Jinyoung, and he could see—just for barely a second—a prominent look of hurt in his eyes. Youngjae felt like his insides were aching. Jinyoung went through a decade of complete silence, only to unexpectedly reunite with him on a variety show and have to answer multiple questions about the nature of their past friendship. It must’ve been rough, Youngjae knew.

But as if a switch was flipped, the pain disappeared and Jinyoung slipped into his persona again without any difficulty. He snickered and shook his head.

“No, I mean, how could I keep up with someone who was a judge on _The Voice_?” He questioned, somewhat answering the question, but not really. It’s not like they could be honest—but they couldn’t fully lie, either. All their answers had to fall somewhere in the middle. Jinyoung was good at setting an example of what the “middle” looked like. 

“And how could _I_ keep up with the one man who’s more popular than I am in my own _family_?” Youngjae shot back in the same playful tone. 

Jackson and the hosts laughed beside him, but Youngjae and Jinyoung maintained their gaze, with the actor smirking and shaking his head. Youngjae simply shrugged. Back then, this was an exchange that would have only occurred when Youngjae said something that bordered on insulting Jinyoung, but was innocent enough to pass off as a half-made comment. Jinyoung’s smirk and head-shake combination meant that he knew what was meant by the comment, but wouldn’t do anything about it. It was a distinct characteristic of their friendship.

The conversation quickly moved away from them and into Jackson’s own solo activities, and the taping droned on for several more hours until Youngjae felt like his soul would leave his fatigued body by the time it ended. Once the producers called for an end to the show’s taping and Youngjae thanked all the staff present, he made his way over to where Mark stood, too tired to take notice of Jinyoung’s burning stare at the back of his head.

“Man, I’m beat. And really hungry. Want to get some food?” Youngjae asked, taking the sealed water bottle his manager offered him. Mark seemed to perk up at the mention of food and nodded.

“Oh, I’m crazy down for some barbecue after this.” 

“Want to call Yugyeom and make it a thing? You know, like the old days?”

“You mean when you’d both call me non-stop at midnight to drive you to Koreatown?” Mark raised his eyebrow as Youngjae laughed.

“Exactly. Except I’ll drive.” 

“Whatever, as long as—”

“Youngjae,” A deep voice called from behind them and Youngjae immediately recognized who it was without even looking. He turned around and saw Jinyoung looking right at him, his expression completely neutral. He didn’t look happy, or even angry. He was just...looking. “We need to talk.”

Youngjae gulped. He didn’t think this far ahead when he concocted his entire plan. “O-Okay, sure. Let me just ask my manager—”

“ _Hi, my name is Park Jinyoung_! _Would it be okay if I borrowed Youngjae for a few minutes_?” Jinyoung asked in perfect English. Youngjae couldn’t even bring it in him to be surprised. Of course Jinyoung was fluent in English, he was good at everything.

Mark looked at Youngjae and raised an eyebrow. “Sure.”

“ _Thank you so much_!” Jinyoung said with a charming smile and pulled Youngjae by the hand, leading him further into one of the rooms.

Youngjae didn’t dare speak or ask any questions as Jinyoung pulled him—it didn’t seem like he wanted to talk at that very moment. He recalled the way Jinyoung looked at him just seconds before. He didn’t exactly seem thrilled to see Youngjae. _He hates me. He hates me so much. Fuck._ Youngjae would understand if Jinyoung wanted to pull him to a corner just to punch him in the face. He knew he was in the wrong and he’d take it. Jinyoung deserved more than what he got from Youngjae. At least now he could finally let out his frustrations.

They arrived at Jinyoung’s waiting room where Jinyoung quickly shoved both of them in before closing the door behind them. Youngjae waited for the first hit to come—for his fist to come in contact with his face, to get kicked down to the ground, to get slapped. He deserved it. But instead, what he felt was two long arms wrapping him in a warm embrace, tightly hugging him as if there was no intention to let go.

“Moron,” He heard Jinyoung mutter, insulting him in the most endearing way, just the way he used to. Youngjae processed the action quickly and placed his arms around Jinyoung as well, hugging him for the first time in ten years. It felt warm and comfortable, as if no time had passed between them. After a few seconds, he felt Jinyoung jump and the other male pulled away from the hug in panic, his eyes wide with shock. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be weird like that. It’s just...been a long time.”

“No, don’t apologize, I…” _Missed you._ “I know it’s been a while.”

“You’re here? I thought you’d never come back.” Jinyoung said the second part in such a small voice, Youngjae almost couldn’t catch it. He never intended on coming back—never intended to come back and actually _seek_ out the one person he promised himself to avoid. The Incident and everything that followed was all for Jinyoung’s sake. Up until two days ago, Youngjae had convinced himself that avoiding him was what was best for both of them. But now that he was faced with Jinyoung, in all his beauty and warmth, Youngjae began to believe that maybe he was wrong.

“Uh, it’s Grandma’s ninetieth birthday next week.” Youngjae explained, trying his best not to stumble over his words.

“Really? How is she doing?” Jinyoung’s face lit up at the mention of his grandmother and Youngjae remembered how well the two got along back in the day.

“She’s great! She’s actually...kind of obsessed with you. Well, her and my aunt, mostly.” 

Jinyoung laughed his full, even-toned laugh and oh _god_ , Youngjae wanted to bang his head against a wall. “Really? Doesn’t she remember me?” 

“I honestly think she’s such a big fan _because_ she remembers you. She’s always loved you.” It was true. When their friendship became much deeper in their final year of high school, Youngjae’s grandmother would often find Jinyoung sitting on their sofa with a big textbook on his lap—studying while Youngjae played video games—and make him (not Youngjae) warm cookies. 

“She was always so sweet to me.” Jinyoung recalled, a nostalgic smile taking over his face. 

“It’s not hard to be.” Youngjae accidentally blurted out, and he wanted nothing more than to smack himself in the face. He hoped Jinyoung hadn’t heard him, but when he looked up, he could see a raised eyebrow and a smirk. He had definitely heard him.

“Oh, hey! Congratulations on your new song, I heard it did really well on the charts— _Time Out_ , right? Everyone here was obsessed with it for a while.” Jinyoung congratulated. He sounded genuinely happy for Youngjae, and that made him feel a little warm inside. Aside from his grandmother, Jinyoung was always the most supportive of his music career.

“Thank you! But, hey, what about _you_? I come back to Korea and I find out that you’re this massive actor, and you’ve got this _huge_ drama out? What’s that all about? How’d you manage to get your parents to let you be an actor?” Youngjae asked excitedly, because he was incredibly curious. The last time he was with Jinyoung, the most progress the other male had come to was deciding that he was going to pursue acting as a hobby—a side interest to his main ambition of becoming a surgeon. Youngjae was too wrapped up in his excitement of hearing his story that he failed to notice a small twitch in Jinyoung’s eye.

“It’s...whatever,” Jinyoung replied, waving it off. “Did you _really_ date Taylor Swift? Was that song actually about you?” 

Youngjae shook his head. He knew exactly what Jinyoung was doing. “You’re avoiding the question.” 

At that exact moment, Jinyoung’s smiley, excited face immediately turned sour. His playful smirk was gone and was replaced with a frown. He’d hit a nerve. 

Jinyoung let out a cruel laugh. “Ten years of complete silence, and you still like to act like you know me better than anyone, don’t you?”

Youngjae felt his heart beat out of control. He was so careless with his words sometimes. Who was he to say things like that after his decade-long disappearing act? Jinyoung hated him. He knew it. “I-I’m sorry.” That was really all he _could_ say. What else could he do to make up for what happened? 

Jinyoung waved another hand and shook his head. “It doesn’t matter anymore.” But his sour expression remained. 

Youngjae stood in silence for what felt like hours, racking his brain to find the right words to say. He knew deep down that there wasn’t anything he could say to fix the broken relationship between them. But it still hurt him knowing that it was unlikely they would ever return to the way they used to be. 

Before Youngjae could say anything, there was a knock on the door and a slow turn of the knob. A woman in her thirties peeked her head in, and after her initial surprise at Youngjae’s presence, turned her attention to Jinyoung.

“Sorry to be interrupting you, but we have that meeting at two, and we’ll have to leave soon if you don’t want to be late.” She had an air of authority around her, and Youngjae deduced that she was his manager. 

“I’ll be out in a second.” Jinyoung assured and his manager nodded before closing the door again. When the door was shut, Jinyoung’s smile disappeared and was replaced with a bitter look as he turned his attention back to Youngjae. 

“Jinyoung—”

“It was good to see you again, _Ars_ ,” Youngjae winced at the use of his stage name over his real name. “Maybe we’ll see each other again in ten years.”

With that, Jinyoung lightly tapped Youngjae’s shoulder and opened the door, leaving him in the waiting room without another look. Youngjae remained standing at the same spot, trying to organize and understand the multitude of emotions running through his body. Jinyoung’s final words had hurt—and he knew Jinyoung well enough to know that that was his intention. But Youngjae couldn’t say he was disappointed, or that he was even surprised. What was he expecting out of this? He had disappeared for ten years only to reappear without warning in such a public and closely-watched setting—everything had been a bad idea from the start. Youngjae couldn’t say he expected them to just hug it out and immediately become friends. This was actually the best thing he could’ve hoped for. No punches were thrown and Jinyoung didn’t do his worst when he was trying to sting Youngjae with his words. It was unlikely that they would ever speak again, let alone meet again, but maybe that was how things had to be. After the Incident and everything after, nothing was guaranteed to be the same.

At least he got to see those eye crinkles for the last time.

+

The next two days were spent without a single thought of Jinyoung. Things weren’t fully resolved, but they were resolved _enough_ that Youngjae didn’t have to worry about suddenly running into him again. Maybe he was wrong to follow his heart that one time, but he made himself promise not to be so irrational anymore.

Mark and Yugyeom had ransacked his room one day when he was out at the store, and accidentally came across an embarrassing collection of old songs he had written about one specific person. What was worse was that they were all stored inside a shoebox that his stupid eighteen-year-old self had labeled “Secret”. That only made them want to open it more. But despite the two of them forcing him to play all of his old songs, it didn’t hurt Youngjae the way he thought it would. He understood that he would always be a little bit in love with Jinyoung, but that shouldn’t hinder his life anymore. Things between them may have not ended the way that he liked, but at least he was on the way to fully moving on and letting go.

Until Sunday night, when Youngjae received a mysterious text from an unknown number. 

_SOS_

_Can I come over in 10? Please._

Youngjae would usually ignore texts from unknown numbers, but something about the way the texts were worded ignited a familiar feeling in him—one that he couldn’t ignore.

**Who is this?**

After a few minutes of silence, Youngjae received an unexpected reply.

_Jinyoung_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so YES that happened sdfjksdfjsd feel free to comment, or leave a kudos! if you wanna come talk to me more i'm on twitter @KlNGARS (the l is a lowercase L!) again, thanks for reading!! see ya next week muah love ya


	7. -4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helllooooo here i am. back again from another ADVENTUROUS weekend of staying at home and cuddling my dog. ANYWAY here are this week's chapters! theyre kinda longer than usual sjsjsjs idk how that happened but yes here they are!! also i wanted to thank everyone for their super kind comments this past week.......I LOVE YOU ok yes here is the SAUCE

2009

Friday night did not go well for Jinyoung. While on most weeks, those evenings were reserved for leisurely readings and extra sleep, this particular Friday night felt like complete hell. For some reason (which Jinyoung most _definitely_ was aware of), he could never seem to focus on any book, nor could he even force himself to close his eyes and go to sleep. Whenever he would try, his heart would just start beating like crazy and he’d feel an ache in his chest. It was strange, and incredibly unusual. 

Deep down, Jinyoung knew the reasoning behind this behavior—he knew why he kept obsessively checking and refreshing Youngjae’s blog, or why he couldn’t stop pacing around his room, or even why he actually _researched_ and found where Youngjae’s farewell banquet was being held. He tried not to think about who Youngjae decided to take to the banquet. It’s not like it bothered him in any way or made him feel a little neglected— _he_ ’d been the one to reject Youngjae anyway. But the thought of him taking someone else and having a great time with them didn’t bother Jinyoung at all. Not a single bit. Not at all. Not even a smidge. _Not. At. All._

It was just...a little annoying.

At midnight, Jinyoung was still awake and idly scrolling through past posts on Youngjae’s blog. His blog (which Youngjae had begged Jinyoung for months to read and follow), was named _Music by Ars_. Incredibly unoriginal, Jinyoung thought. This was his first time even opening the blog, and he was immediately bombarded by bi-weekly posts that told stories and rants about his life. The amount of times Jinyoung was mentioned in his posts surprised him—he didn’t think he was such a prominent figure in Youngjae’s life, but apparently he was.

After another round of idle refreshing, a new post appeared on the homepage. One that Jinyoung had secretly been hoping for—the inevitable update on his farewell banquet. He clicked on the post with much more anticipation that he would’ve cared to admit, and began reading the post, sweetly titled, “Goodbye A+ Music School!”. Jinyoung chuckled at his innocence. 

Much of the post detailed the events of the night and how things went—the distribution of certificates, sappy speeches by his vocal teachers, and shaky videos of his performance. He’d opened the video that Youngjae had posted and found himself somewhat melting over the sound of his voice. He sang a ballad as he played on the piano, and Jinyoung couldn’t help but wonder how much more he would have enjoyed his performance if he had just agreed to attend the event. It wasn’t like Youngjae was asking him for his hand in marriage or even asking him to be his boyfriend—he just wanted Jinyoung to accompany him, like friends did. 

It was at that moment that Jinyoung came to something akin to a revelation. He’d definitely been irrational and way too harsh when rejecting Youngjae. He felt a sense of calmness wash over him as he finally came to the bottom of his feelings—until he reached a specific section of the blog post titled, “My amazing date!”, along with a collection of pictures of Youngjae with a certain red-haired male. Jinyoung’s blood was boiling all over again.

_Who is this moron? Who even dyes their hair red?_ Jinyoung scrolled further down the post, reading Youngjae’s description of his night with his date. 

“Jaebum.” Jinyoung read, trying out the boy’s name on his tongue. _What an ugly name. Jinyoung is better._

His date’s name sounded familiar to Jinyoung, and it took several minutes of intense focus and recollection for him to remember that Youngjae had told Jinyoung about him before. Im Jaebum, he recalled was his name. He was another student at Youngjae’s music school who always collaborated with him. Jinyoung remembered something about him being an idol trainee for some big entertainment company—a fact that, perhaps _some_ people would have seen as an advantage over Jinyoung’s intelligence. He knew Youngjae wasn’t one of those people. Right?

Youngjae appreciated his intelligence, praised him for it. He wouldn’t waste his time going out with some stupid idol trainee unless he was absolutely and incredibly desperate. Jinyoung was his first choice, and that was that. 

But despite his own reassurance, Jinyoung couldn’t help but stare at the pictures of the two of them. Youngjae’s suit looked too big on him, and he did absolutely nothing with the brown mop of hair on his head, but that only made him look even more charming to Jinyoung. Jaebum, on the other hand, wore a fancy blazer with an expensive-looking top. His hair was styled and his piercings were on full display for anyone to see. Jinyoung had to admit he looked _somewhat_ cool. The pictures were...diverse, to put lightly. Some were candids and featured Youngjae and Jaebum laughing together like a stupid advertisement for hemorrhoid cream. Some had them doing cute poses next to each other. But one picture in particular, made Jinyoung want to smash his computer on the floor. In the picture, Jaebum had his arms around Youngjae and his lips on his cheek, kissing him as his friend smiled so wide his eyes disappeared. 

Jinyoung couldn’t smash his computer, but he could scream. And that was exactly what he did.

“ _Aaaarrrgghhhhh_!” He shouted at the top of his lungs, not stopping until his sister made her way into his room and slapped the back of his head.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” She shouted back, her eyes red with anger. “Do you realize how late it is?”

Jinyoung was too blinded with anger to care. Instead he pointed to the picture on his computer screen. “Can you explain this to me? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” He shouted, pulling at his hair in frustration.

“Who the hell is that?” 

“That’s Youngjae with some squid sucking off half his face!” 

“ _Youngjae_? Isn’t he your friend?”

“Exactly!” 

His sister pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. “Why are you getting so worked up about this? Your friend’s getting laid, be happy for him! Isn’t that what guys do?” 

“Yeah, but...but why _him_? And why is he posting it on the Internet for all the creeps and weirdos to see? It’s like he’s rubbing it in everyone’s faces that he got a hot idol trainee to go—”

“Oh god, _please_ don’t tell me you’re jealous.” 

Jinyoung stopped his train of thought and coughed violently, his sister’s comment catching him completely off-guard. “J-Jealous? Why would I be...jealous? That’s—that’s impossible, you don’t have any rational reasoning behind that claim. Why would _I_ be jealous?”

His sister sighed again. “God, this is why Mom and Dad should’ve let you socialize with other kids in preschool instead of locking you up in a room to study _cells_ ,” She mumbled to herself. “You so obviously have a thing for this Youngjae kid.” 

“A _thing_? What does that mean?” Jinyoung wasn’t trying to be sassy. He genuinely had no understanding of what his sister was trying to say.

“You like him! And I mean, _romantically_ , Jinyoung.” 

Jinyoung’s mouth stayed open. His sister’s claim was so shocking that Jinyoung couldn’t manage to squeeze out any words to oppose her. It was just ridiculous. There was not a chance in hell that Jinyoung had any romantic feelings for _Youngjae_. This was his first time having a friend, _ever._ He was certain these feelings were absolutely normal to have between friends—he just didn’t explain them well enough to his sister. Friends could get jealous and be worried for their friends. Yes, that was what Jinyoung was feeling—worry. He was absolutely certain Jaebum wasn’t a good guy (at least, not good enough for Youngjae), and getting together with him would only mean trouble for Youngjae. He was just watching out for his friend. Exactly. Totally.

“You’re a disgusting hopeless romantic.” Jinyoung spat as his sister rolled her eyes.

“Whatever, stay in denial all you want. Just stop screaming your head off while the whole house is asleep, okay?” Jinyoung childishly stuck his tongue out at his sister as she left his room. She was always projecting her own romantic problems onto him. It was ridiculous that she would even _suggest_ that Jinyoung liked Youngjae in that way. Jinyoung was just looking out for him like a good friend would.

Once he had his room all to himself, Jinyoung couldn’t bear to look at the picture on his screen anymore, and turned off his computer. He set himself on his bed and allowed his head to hit the pillow as his mind began working on arguments to present to Youngjae for the next time he’d see him—arguments that were against the notion of Jaebum being Youngjae’s anything. Jinyoung had never spoken, or even _met_ Jaebum, but that didn’t matter at all. What mattered was that Youngjae couldn’t have people like Jaebum in his life if he wanted to achieve what he set out to do. He needed Jinyoung though, and Jinyoung _happily_ accepted his role. 

The next morning, Jinyoung didn’t need a second thought before getting dressed and marching all the way to Youngjae’s house. He’d decided that Youngjae needed some extra tutoring. Midterms were coming up in a few weeks, and he was definitely unprepared for the topics at hand. Jinyoung barely allowed himself time to get properly dressed, that he found himself completely underdressed for the unexpectedly cold wind that seemed to smack him in the face. But Jinyoung wasn’t going to turn back anytime soon—his mind was set on only one thing and that was all he was going to do. His feet were taking him where he needed to be, and there was nothing that could stop them. 

He shivered the whole way to Youngjae’s house before finally arriving at his front door. He rang the bell several times and waited for it to be answered. Jinyoung wasn’t sure who he would face—if it would be Youngjae, or a parent, or a sibling—but he knew he needed to see him. For biology. Obviously. 

After a few minutes, the door opened slowly and a tired-looking, sleepy Youngjae peeked his head through the gap.

“Jinyoung?” He asked, his eyes squinting at the light. “What are you doing here?”

“Tutoring session.” He responded bluntly. Youngjae raised his eyebrow and scratched his head, confused by the explanation.

“We don’t have one scheduled for today.”

“Well, I decided last night that we should.”

Youngjae cocked his head to the side, a tiny smile forming. “Without telling me?”

“Midterms are coming up, Choi Youngjae, and you’re going to have to study a lot if you want to pass!” Jinyoung explained at the speed of light. He wasn’t going to let himself slip up in front of Youngjae.

“Okay, but let’s study outside. My little cousin is visiting me right now, and he’ll just bother us and beg me to play video games with him,” Jinyoung nodded. It would be better if it was just the two of them anyway. “Do you want to come in? I have to get dressed first.”

“Sure.” Jinyoung responded as Youngjae opened the door wider for him to enter. 

He made his way confidently into the house, walking towards any direction as if he knew where he was going. He heard Youngjae chuckle, but chose to ignore it. He wasn’t going to let himself be swept away by his boyish charms—he came to do one job, and that was to make sure Youngjae stayed on the right path. 

Jinyoung came across a table by the living room filled with old pictures of Youngjae—it was like a shrine, almost. There were pictures of Youngjae as a child, with medals from singing competitions and him in the middle of performances, as well as pictures of Youngjae in his current age, smiling happily in all of them. Jinyoung couldn’t help but stop and stare at each picture he came across.

“This is so embarrassing. I’m sorry—my grandma just really loves me.” Youngjae explained sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. 

“It’s cute,” Jinyoung picked up a framed image of Youngjae as a child with a microphone in his hand. He noted how he hadn’t changed at all in the years that had passed since then, and studied it so much that he didn’t realize how long he had been staring. Jinyoung panicked once he realized how crazy he must’ve seemed and quickly placed it back on the table while clearing his throat. “So, you need to get dressed?”

“Yeah, my room is—”

“ _Youngjae, can we play Super Smash Bros_?” A squeaky, pre-pubescent voice shouted in English, making Jinyoung jump. He turned around to see a tall, but childish-looking boy make his way to the living room, his eyes as sleepy as Youngjae’s. 

“ _I can’t. I have to study_.” His friend responded, in equally perfect English. The sight of Youngjae and the little boy conversing fluently in English shocked Jinyoung to the core. Youngjae was even better at the language than Jinyoung was, and that was something he wouldn’t have seen coming in a million years. 

“ _Why do you need to study?_ ”

“ _Because I do, Gyeom_!” 

“Fine!” The boy shouted, reverting back to Korean. There was a pause before he turned his attention to Jinyoung, staring him down curiously. “Someone shove a stick up your ass or something?”

“Excuse me?” Jinyoung nearly shouted, appalled by the adolescent’s lack of manners. He was ready to smack some sense into the boy before he felt Youngjae pull him back by the shoulders.

“Yugyeom, this is my friend, Jinyoung. Jinyoung, this is my cousin, Yugyeom. He’s visiting me and my grandma from Los Angeles.” He introduced, a nervous smile appearing across his face. Both Jinyoung and Yugyeom had their arms crossed and were sizing each other up in their own way. 

“Why are you friends with this Spongebob knock-off?” Yugyeom asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Your voice hasn’t even cracked yet, sit down.” Jinyoung retaliated, the mischief in his eyes never fading.

Yugyeom’s expression softened a bit and he stomped his foot. “I’m fourteen! It’ll happen soon.”

“ _Sure_.” He agreed sarcastically, nodding his head slowly for added emphasis. 

Yugyeom crossed his arms again and scanned Jinyoung from top to bottom before nodding. “Your friend’s funny. He’s all right.” 

Jinyoung scoffed. “Like I needed your approval.”

Youngjae groaned from beside him and pulled him by his hand. “Come on. You can fight with the kid later.”

Youngjae pulled him towards the direction of his room without mercy, tugging him with more force than Jinyoung thought was possible for him. Youngjae opened a door and Jinyoung was immediately faced with the familiar sight of his room. He winced for a moment as he remembered the events that transpired and the words that were said the last time he was there, but he brushed the thought away immediately—that was _not_ what he had come for. 

Youngjae let go of his hand the moment they arrived in the room, and Jinyoung tried his best not to notice how his hands felt lost without them. He sat awkwardly on the bed and watched as his friend opened his closet and picked out the first hoodie he could see; it was a pretty dark green color, and Jinyoung noted how soft and warm it looked. 

Not wanting to sit in awkward silence any longer, Jinyoung decided to make conversation.

“So, you’re better than me in English.” He stated, only realizing a little later how hostile his comment sounded. Youngjae turned around and laughed, noticing the slightly sour expression on Jinyoung’s face.

“Didn’t see that coming, did you?” 

Jinyoung shook his head. “Not at all. How did you get so good?”

“I lived in America for a few years as a kid—I only moved back, like, in the middle of elementary school.” Youngjae explained casually, as if it were a fact Jinyoung should’ve already known.

Jinyoung scratched his head. _How did I not know this?_

“Why’d you move back?”

“My parents passed away, so I went to live with my grandmother.” Youngjae responded softly, staring at the ground for a moment before going back to the closet. _Shit._ Jinyoung didn’t see that coming.

“I’m sorry, Youngjae.” Jinyoung contemplated standing up and hugging him, but he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to do that correctly. So instead, he just stayed put, mentally scolding himself for all the times he had ranted to Youngjae about his parents, while his friend didn’t even have his anymore. Jinyoung was so stupid.

“It was a long time ago,” Youngjae smiled his cheerful smile, and Jinyoung couldn’t help but think about all the darkness he must’ve hidden behind it. “Besides, my grandma is the best. I wouldn’t trade her for the world.”

Jinyoung smiled too this time. At least Youngjae wasn’t alone.

“Speaking of your grandma, where is she?”

“Oh, she’s out at the market. Yugyeom was supposed to come with her, but the little shit probably overslept.” Jinyoung noticed the endearing smile that appeared on Youngjae’s face whenever he talked about his family. He could tell he loved them with all his heart and would do absolutely anything for them.

As Youngjae began dressing himself, there was another silence. Jinyoung tried not to stare as he watched his friend pull off the sweater he used as pyjamas, revealing a single line of words tattooed on his upper right arm. He hadn’t expected Youngjae to have a tattoo, and the discovery unexpectedly made Jinyoung’s palms sweat like crazy. _Divert. Divert. Divert_. 

“Are you cold?” Youngjae asked, interrupting his attempt to divert. He had been so distracted by his own thoughts that he didn’t even notice Youngjae was already fully dressed. Jinyoung stared at him with confusion before realizing that he had been shivering the entire time. 

“No.” Jinyoung wasn’t about to admit a weakness.

Youngjae laughed and shook his head before taking off his green hoodie, exposing the singlet underneath. Jinyoung was so shocked at the action and the sight of the tattoo once again that he found himself silently gasping like an idiot. Youngjae threw it in his direction, where it landed directly on Jinyoung’s lap. 

“Wear it. It’s really warm.” Youngjae advised with a smile and pulled out another random hoodie from his closet. Jinyoung’s palms were out of control now.

“O-Okay.” He mumbled and slowly threw the hoodie on over his clothes. It smelled just like Youngjae, and Jinyoung didn’t understand why it brought a sense of comfort to him. 

It really _was_ warm.

When Youngjae left the room momentarily to brush his teeth, Jinyoung forced himself to stay focused. He came to tutor Youngjae and warn him against certain red-haired troublemakers. That was it. He was going to be a good friend and he was going to stick to his original intentions. No wonderful-smelling hoodie was going to stop him. No secret arm tattoos were going to steer him off-course. Jinyoung was a member of Mensa—he could stay focused.

In fact, Jinyoung was _so_ focused, that the moment Youngjae returned to his room, all he could do was stand and yell, “That guy is going to ruin your life!”

_Wow, you really handled that well, didn’t you?_

Youngjae actually seemed more scared than shocked at Jinyoung’s sudden outburst, clutching his chest as if he had been given the fright of his life. “What guy?”

“The guy with the red hair—Jaebum!” Jinyoung crossed his arms, trying to make himself seem more serious. Youngjae went through a series of emotions all over his face—moving from shocked, confused, and finally ending in amusement. 

“You mean my _date_?” Youngjae confirmed in a tone that was almost mocking. 

“Yes, I’m referring to the savage you brought as your date last night.” Jinyoung tried his best to keep his cool, but he could feel his cheeks heating up with embarrassment. 

“What’s wrong with Jaebum?” 

Jinyoung had been so overly-prepared to answer this question that a million different arguments began running through his mind in almost an instant. The problem with this, though, was that there were _too_ many arguments that his brain couldn’t focus on just one. Instead, all he managed to do was shout, “You can’t date him!”

_Two hours of preparing arguments, and **that’s** what you say? _

Youngjae laughed harder than he had ever heard, as if Jinyoung had said the most preposterous thing in the world. “I’m not dating him! He’s just my really good friend. Besides, he’s training to be an idol—if we date, what will happen to me once he debuts?”

“I don’t know, you could be an obnoxious vocal power couple or something…” Jinyoung mumbled, keeping his eyes locked on the ground. 

“What do you have against him?” 

“He’s just…” For some reason, once it was _Youngjae_ asking him the question, none of the arguments that he had crafted popped up. He was instead, forced to think about it again, where he came to the unfortunate conclusion that he really didn’t know Jaebum at all. “He’s not right for you.”

Youngjae hummed as if he was thinking and clicked his tongue. “Hm, I don’t know. We both have very similar goals, wouldn’t that make him _perfect_ for me?” He was smirking now. 

Jinyoung, on the other hand, could only groan in frustration, gathering his books from the bed. “Fine! Listen to me, don’t listen to me—I don’t care! Just trying to look out for my friend.” He gripped the books tightly against his chest, feeling his anger slowly seep out.

Youngjae’s smirk never faded. Instead, he took two steps and brought himself closer to Jinyoung, until their faces were just inches apart. Jinyoung could feel his heart beat faster in his ears and his sight blur as he felt Youngjae’s long fingers sneak to the sides of the books, almost touching his.

“You know, Jinyoung,” He whispered, his voice so low it made Jinyoung shiver. “ _You_ could’ve gone with me instead.”

Before Jinyoung could even wake from his daze, the books were suddenly in Youngjae’s hands and he made his way out of the room, not even taking a second look at how his actions had left Jinyoung in the most confused state of his life. _What the fuck just happened?_

+++

They ended up at a convenience store not too far from Youngjae’s home. The entire walk there was silent, with Jinyoung’s cheeks staying at a constant bright red, and Youngjae’s head shaking endlessly at how ridiculous he was behaving. Things definitely did _not_ go according to plan. But now, an hour had passed, and things were somewhat back to normal. 

“What the heck is a _Golgi apparatus_?” Youngjae questioned frustratedly, throwing his pen on the small glass table they were both squeezed in.

“I’ve explained this to you five times in the last twenty minutes. You tell me.” Jinyoung leaned on his chair and crossed his arms, waiting for an answer. Youngjae took a deep breath and thought hard, trying to remember the definition Jinyoung had provided him.

“It’s...a packaging organelle found in both plant and animal cells…?” He answered, completely unsure.

Jinyoung couldn’t hide his smile or how proud he felt at Youngjae finally getting it correct. “That’s right!” 

Youngjae was so excited, he threw both his fists in the air and pretended he had just won a marathon. Jinyoung could only laugh. 

“At this rate, I’ll be better than you in biology.”

“If delusions of grandeur motivate you, then so be it.” Jinyoung teased and tried to move his attention back to the textbook, trying to organize the topics Youngjae would still have to learn.

His friend opened the packaging of a popsicle he had bought and began licking and sucking it loudly, the sound increasingly irritating Jinyoung. He was just about to scold Youngjae and smack his arm, when he suddenly heard the familiar click of a camera sound off behind him. 

“Youngjae, you look so adorable!” A woman’s voice exclaimed. Jinyoung turned around and saw an old woman, probably in her seventies, holding a vintage film camera in her hands. Jinyoung had no idea who she was, or why she was taking pictures of them, but seeing Youngjae’s shy giggle gave him an idea of who she might be.

“A heads up would’ve been nice, Grandma!” Youngjae replied, laughing. His grandmother made her way to where they were sitting and pinched Youngjae’s cheeks the moment she arrived, leading him to whine and groan in a way Jinyoung had never seen. “Grandma, cut it out!”

“So, are you helping Youngjae with his classes?” His grandmother asked, directing her question at Jinyoung. Jinyoung cleared his throat and sat up straighter before answering.

“Yes. My name is Park Jinyoung.” Youngjae seemed to notice how much more proper and polite he seemed, and laughed. 

“Grandma, this is my friend Jinyoung. He’s the one that’s been bugging me about my grades.” He explained, causing Jinyoung to roll his eyes.

“Well, he wouldn’t listen to me, so I’m glad he’s listening to _someone_.” His grandmother quipped, which made Jinyoung chuckle.

“He’s been doing good... _ish_.” Jinyoung explained, and the two of them laughed at Youngjae’s expense. 

“I didn’t expect to come out here and get attacked!”

“Well, you are, so deal with it.” Jinyoung stated, and they laughed again, Youngjae pouting all the way through.

Once the laughter died down, Youngjae’s grandmother kissed her grandson on the cheek and began preparing to leave. “Looks like I’ll leave you boys to it. Jinyoung, please make sure he at least _passes_ his next exam?”

Jinyoung nodded and gave her a thumbs up. “It’s all under control!”

“Thank you. Youngjae, I’ll see you at home?”

“Definitely.” 

And with that, they said their goodbyes and Youngjae’s grandmother began making her way back to the house, leaving Jinyoung in a cloud of thought over Youngjae’s life.

“Your grandma’s really nice.” Jinyoung commented, resting his chin on his hand. He watched as a reflective smile formed on Youngjae’s lips, and noted how pretty the male looked under the sunlight. 

“Yeah…” Youngjae trailed off, his eyes focusing somewhere else. “I do it all for her.”

“What do you mean?”

“My music school and vocal lessons don’t come cheap. And neither do the clothes on my back, or the equipment I need to make music. I sell drugs and all that stuff so that my grandma doesn’t have to pay for all that. She lives off of her retirement fund—I don’t want to waste it all.” Youngjae looked away this time, and Jinyoung could see how distressed he was. Without thinking, he placed his hand on top of Youngjae’s and squeezed his hand, the act making the other male look at him with surprise.

“You’re a good person.” Their eyes met for what felt like ages, and Jinyoung felt his soul leave his body. He was looking at Youngjae with a new set of eyes, and he couldn’t understand what exactly had changed. What he did know, was that no one had ever looked straight into his core the way Youngjae did.

“So...the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell?” Youngjae confirmed quietly, interrupting their small moment. Jinyoung could only laugh. Everything he did was hilarious to him.

“Good job, Youngjae.” Jinyoung praised, and tried to turn his attention back to the textbooks in front of them.

Biology became the very last thing on their minds as the day progressed. Youngjae decided not long after his grandmother left that Jinyoung was trying to brainwash him, and dragged him back to the house for a competitive round of _Super Smash Bros._ Jinyoung had never played before, and constantly losing each round to Youngjae and his little rat cousin only made him angry and frustrated. Had it not been for Youngjae’s grandmother reading in the kitchen, Jinyoung would’ve started yelling and throwing a fit over the game results. 

But despite this, the day was fun—fun enough to almost make Jinyoung forget about his initial mission. _Almost_.

In the middle of one of their many rounds, Youngjae’s phone began ringing. Jinyoung was _so_ close to winning, but because he was an amazing friend, he let Youngjae momentarily pause the game so he could answer the phone. If Jinyoung knew who had been calling, there was no way the call would’ve gotten answered.

“Hello?” Youngjae had a habit of never checking the caller ID before answering the phone. “Jaebum?”

Jinyoung’s ears perked up almost immediately at the sound of the name he hated so much. Youngjae seemed to notice this, and began speaking in a much quieter tone, but Jinyoung could see the tiny, excited smile that began to form as soon as he answered the call.

“I’m doing great. I had a lot of fun last night.” Youngjae brought his legs to his chest as he continued speaking, and Jinyoung thought he looked like a thirteen-year-old girl. 

This was not going the way Jinyoung wanted. He was irritated—of course Jaebum called _just_ as they were having a good time. He had to get Youngjae away from the specimen—from the pathetic excuse of a male named Im Jaebum. He had to pull out all the stops.

“Youngjae. Youngjae.” He called out, trying to match the volume of the call in his ear. Youngjae was too wrapped up in his conversation to notice, and Jinyoung had to physically shove him to get his attention.

“What?” Youngjae whisper-shouted, covering the bottom of his phone. 

Jinyoung panicked. He hadn’t thought this far when trying to devise his brilliant plan. “Um,” He began, and a quick idea popped into his mind. He began coughing furiously and loudly to distract Youngjae. “I’m choking!”

Instead of immediately rushing to his side and helping him, Youngjae merely rolled his eyes. “We have water in the fridge,” He pointed to the direction of the kitchen and returned to his call. “Sorry, what were you saying? You want to come over? Oh, sure—”

“Excuse me?” Jinyoung spoke so loud, he was almost shouting. He was absolutely appalled. Youngjae was thinking of abandoning him for some rat-faced, blood-haired idol trainee, and he was supposed to be absolutely _cool_ about it? Absolutely not. Park Jinyoung did not roll that way. Without another thought, he snatched the phone from Youngjae’s hand and placed it against his ear, ready to give Jaebum a piece of his mind. “Hello? Yes, sorry, Youngjae is already _very_ busy, he’s preparing for his exams as of the moment, and he doesn’t have time to mess around with someone like _you_ right now.”

Jinyoung ignored how Youngjae’s jaw completely dropped to the floor and instead focused on how he was doing this for Youngjae’s sake.

“Who is this?” The voice on the phone asked, leading Jinyoung to scoff.

“Who am I? I’m Park Jinyoung.” He replied in a bossy tone.

“Oh. So _you’re_ the famous Jinyoung.” His tone was strange—like he knew something Jinyoung didn’t, and he didn’t like that one bit.

“What do you mean I’m the famous Jinyoung?” Beside him, Youngjae choked on his own spit and immediately grabbed the phone back, pulling it with such force that it took Jinyoung completely by surprise.

“ _Oooookay_ , that’s enough now!” Youngjae exclaimed nervously and brought the phone to his ear. “Bummie, you and I need to have a _long_ talk about watching what you say.”

“ _Bummie_?” Jinyoung repeated in disbelief, his ears burning at the nickname. He knew they were close, but not _that_ close.

“Okay, I’ll call you again later.” Youngjae assured and ended the call.

“You were going to abandon me to hang out with him, weren’t you?” Jinyoung confirmed, his tone irritated. Youngjae stared at him in confusion and sighed.

“Of course not! He just wanted to stop by to show me some new tracks.” 

“He couldn’t just email them to you or something?” Jinyoung sulked, crossing his arms.

Instead of responding with equal anger like Jinyoung expected, Youngjae laughed. “Why are you so against me seeing him? We’re just friends.”

“I don’t like him. He’s not good for you.” 

“ _Ah_ , are you my dad now, Jinyoung?” Youngjae teased, smirking so much Jinyoung wanted to punch him.

“He doesn’t seem like a good guy!”

“You don’t even know him!”

“I saw all the pictures on your blog—how do you know what his _real_ intentions are? He can’t just be coming over to show you music!” 

Youngjae raised his eyebrow, and smiled mischievously. “Are you...are you _jealous_?” Jinyoung could feel his ears burning and tried to think of ways to save himself. He groaned loudly to distract from his red ears.

“Why do people keep saying that? I’m just looking out for my friend!” He defended, only to make Youngjae laugh even louder.

“ _Right_ , you’re absolutely right,” Youngjae agreed, nodding. For a brief moment, Jinyoung believed that the issue was being put to rest, until Youngjae spoke again. “I mean, friends can get jealous.”

“Choi Youngjae, I’m _not_ jealous!” 

“Okay, whatever you say!”

“No, you still don’t believe me!”

For the rest of the afternoon, Jinyoung and Youngjae continued arguing on whether or not Jinyoung was jealous over Jaebum. The argument led Jinyoung to whine, yell, and pout, while his friend simply laughed and nodded patronizingly, which only created more mess. However, despite their playful arguments about Jinyoung’s behavior, Jinyoung couldn’t help but shake off the pain he felt in his chest when he remembered the last thing Youngjae said before he hung up the phone— _I’ll call you again later._ As in, _I’ll call you again when Jinyoung’s not around_. Maybe Jinyoung was jealous. Maybe they were right. But the only thing Jinyoung knew for certain was that he didn’t like how brightly Youngjae smiled when Jaebum was around.


	8. 4

2019

For a moment, it felt like all the air had escaped from Youngjae’s lungs. It was unexpected, to say the least. So many questions were running through his mind— _how did he get this number? Why is he texting me? What happened?_

Youngjae wanted nothing more than to immediately respond and get to the bottom of the issue, but then he remembered his status, as well as Jinyoung’s status, and there was a big possibility that some crazed fan was trying to lure him into a location to kidnap him or blackmail him (Youngjae read a lot of Stephen King). So precautions had to be taken.

**Prove it**

Youngjae didn’t necessarily know how he expected this person to provide his identity, but waited anyway for a response. A reply came almost instantaneously.

_You saved me as “Adderall Asshole” on your phone when we first met._

So, Jinyoung was texting him.

_Believe me now? Can I please come over in 10?_

Youngjae blinked at the text and found himself somewhat panicking. Something had definitely happened for Jinyoung to be begging like this. But it was still strange that Jinyoung was reaching out to _him,_ specifically. They hadn’t spoken to each other in ten years, and they didn’t exactly part on the best terms after their “reunion”. 

As if reading his mind, Jinyoung sent another text.

_I’m texting you because the friend I go to for this shit is way too busy right now and you’re the only other person who’s ever seen me this way._

_Please? I’m desperate._

Youngjae didn’t exactly know what to make of the situation, but what he did know was that he had never learned to say ‘No’ to Jinyoung, and ten years made absolutely no difference.

He was prepared to compose a text agreeing to his pleas, but realized that his grandmother’s house was currently filled to the brim with relatives who were all _obsessed_ with Park Jinyoung. Youngjae knew the last thing Jinyoung wanted was to be taking selfies while he was in the middle of a personal crisis.

**My place is full of people right now**

**Text me your address**

**I’ll be there ASAP**

Within seconds, Jinyoung sent over his address, complete with directions on getting access to his penthouse apartment. Yugyeom’s car was being used by one of their relatives, so Youngjae was forced to call a cab to take him to Jinyoung’s home. He became so preoccupied with getting to Jinyoung as quickly as possible that he didn’t notice the text Jinyoung sent just moments after Youngjae left the house.

_Thank you._

Youngjae arrived at Jinyoung’s fancy apartment building within fifteen minutes. He had politely urged the taxi driver to go as fast as he could—for all he knew, something awful could’ve happened to Jinyoung. When he arrived at the building, he informed main desk that he was a guest of Jinyoung’s, and after some initial shock at his presence, as well as a quick call to Jinyoung’s apartment, Youngjae was placed in an elevator that would take him directly to his penthouse. 

As he waited in the spacious elevator, Youngjae’s heart began to beat quickly in panic. He was nervous to see Jinyoung again—especially after how things went down the last time they saw each other. But the entire build-up to the meeting felt incredibly similar to how their meet-ups would go in high school. Jinyoung would frantically text him asking for help, and Youngjae would already be waiting at the tool shed—on some days, Jinyoung’s meltdowns were easier to predict than others. 

After a few minutes, the elevator stopped at the very top floor—Jinyoung’s penthouse. There was a little room in between the elevator doors and the actual door to Jinyoung’s place, and Youngjae took the time in between to calm himself down. 

“You’ll be fine. Just...breathe. Things will be okay.”

He took a final deep breath before ringing the doorbell. 

“It’s open!” Jinyoung’s voice shouted from inside the apartment, and Youngjae took it as a cue to push the doors open, finding himself faced with an incredibly luxurious penthouse apartment.

At the center of the apartment, was Jinyoung, lying down on the floor with a wet towel covering his eyes. Youngjae had truly reunited with the ultimate drama queen of his youth.

“Jinyoung? What happened?” Had it been ten years earlier, Youngjae would’ve made some witty remark at Jinyoung’s expense. But so much time had passed since they were that comfortable with each other, Youngjae thought it’d be best to keep a safe distance for a while.

Jinyoung let out a loud exhale and dramatically pulled off the wet towel before sitting up. He looked at Youngjae dead in the eyes and shot him a desperate look, with a pout that he had missed way too much.

“Smoke with me?” Jinyoung asked, almost sounding like he was pleading. Youngjae held back a laugh and walked closer to the actor, before completely kneeling beside him.

“That’s what you called me all the way here for?” He asked, smiling.

“Listen, okay, ten years didn’t change me _that_ much.” Jinyoung defended, his pout becoming more obvious. 

“What happened?” If he remembered Jinyoung right, something must’ve harmed his ego bad enough for him to be _this_ desperate to get high.

“I got passed over for this major movie role that would’ve made me a big deal all around Asia. Turns out they wanted someone younger.” Jinyoung explained, a scowl forming across his face. _This must be his adult version of failing an exam._

“But you’re already the biggest star in Asia.”

Jinyoung gave him a look that was a mix of disbelief and judgment, as if what he had just said was completely stupid. “ _Bigger_ , Youngjae.”

It was such a Jinyoung response, he couldn’t even bring himself to be irritated. 

“So, do you still smoke or what?” Jinyoung asked, slowly standing up. 

As Youngjae followed, he let out a small laugh and shrugged. “Only on special occasions,” He was nowhere near the stoner he used to be in high school. “You?”

“Only on stressful occasions.” Jinyoung replied with a smile, a tiny mischievous glint in his eyes. 

He walked over to the nearby kitchen and pulled out a drawer from its base, revealing a small tin box taped to the bottom of the drawer. Jinyoung pulled it from the wooden drawer before rolling it back in and returning to where Youngjae stood at the center of the penthouse.

“Are you just gonna stand there or are you going to get high with me?” Jinyoung asked before making his way to the living room.

“Jeez, you’re bossy as ever.” Youngjae mumbled, but followed him anyway.

Jinyoung set the tin box on the coffee table and pulled open the lid, revealing several green canisters that Youngjae presumed was filled with marijuana. It was strange to see Jinyoung providing the substance instead of Youngjae, and it was even weirder to see him pull out some rolling papers and proceed to attempt to roll a joint. For some reason, he had hoped that ten years had maybe taught Jinyoung a thing or two about rolling joints, but just like when they were eighteen, Jinyoung failed miserably, and Youngjae knew he had to take over.

“You still can’t roll a J to save your life.” Youngjae commented and shook his head disappointedly. 

He took the tin box from Jinyoung and took a new sheet of rolling paper to replace the one Jinyoung had ruined. Youngjae hadn’t smoked or rolled a joint in almost a year, but his fingers moved through the act easily, like muscle memory. It took him no time at all to complete the joint, presenting it proudly to Jinyoung.

Jinyoung grabbed a lighter from the box and placed the joint between his lips before lighting it up, inhaling the substance. Youngjae could see how his muscles immediately loosened up and the creases between his eyes softened as soon as he inhaled the drug. He’d missed that.

“Is the occasion special enough for you, _Ars_?” Jinyoung taunted, offering the joint. In his mind, all he could do was scream _yes_ , but instead, he kept quiet and took it from Jinyoung’s fingers, placing it in his mouth. 

It all felt so insanely familiar. Not just the weed, but with Jinyoung right beside him, with his limbs melting to whatever piece of furniture he was leaning on, and his mind focusing on every small detail there was to see about Jinyoung. 

“Hey,” Jinyoung called, interrupting Youngjae’s thoughts. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For how I acted last time and what I said.” Jinyoung had an apologetic look on his face, and Youngjae couldn’t help but feel awful for making him feel this way.

“I deserved it. It’s okay.”

“No, I was confused and angry, and I didn’t know why you were suddenly coming back into my life after all this time.”

“I should’ve warned you first before I came. I should’ve sent you an _email_? Or—”

“Email? Youngjae, this isn’t 2009.” Jinyoung teased, and a part of Youngjae felt relieved that they were slowly beginning to feel comfortable with each other again.

“You were right.” Youngjae decided, passing him the joint.

“About what?”

“Ten years didn’t change you _that_ much,” Jinyoung raised an eyebrow, signaling for Youngjae to continue. “You’ve got the whole celebrity act down, but you’re still the same kid who can’t roll a J no matter how many times I teach you.”

Jinyoung’s jaw dropped to the floor, shocked by his comment, but laughed anyway. “And what about _you_ , Mr. Ars? You’ve got a beach house in Malibu and everything.”

Youngjae smirked. “You know where I live?” Jinyoung tried to act casually, shrugging and smiling, but Youngjae knew he had him cornered.

“I’ve Googled you from time to time.”

Youngjae rolled his eyes. “Don’t act like you’re not a fan.”

“And where’d you hear that?” There was a tiny smile poking at the corners of Jinyoung’s mouth, and Youngjae knew immediately what he was doing. They were trapped in a game of cat and mouse.

“You mention me in interviews pretty frequently.”

“So you watch interviews of me?” The ball was in Jinyoung’s court now. It was like neither of them wanted to reveal how much they had held on to the thought of the other over the past decade, but the fact was so obvious—they were dancing around it for fun.

“Just a few. You seem to be a big fan.”

Jinyoung shrugged, trying to play it cool. “You’ve always made good music.”

“ _Hesitate_ is your favorite, right?”

“It is,” Jinyoung agreed, the glint in his eyes never fading. “I heard the first version when we were in high school. Always thought the original Korean lyrics were better, though.”

“How fitting,” Youngjae couldn’t stop the words that were coming out of his mouth now. “Especially since that song’s about you.”

_Fuck. Fuck. Why did you say that? Fuck. Why did I agree to get high? I don’t smoke weed as much as I used to, my tolerance is shit. Fuck!_

Jinyoung froze, his eyes widening. “What?”

 _Stop talking. Stop talking now you idiot. Stop_ —“I wrote it when we were doing the play. Before the...thing happened.”

_I don’t remember ever being this stupid when high._

Jinyoung, on the other hand, seemed to be in complete disbelief. “I always thought that song was about—”

As if the universe was playing a cruel trick on both of them, the door immediately burst open with incredible force, revealing an incredibly handsome man dressed in designer clothes, with dark, styled hair and feline-like eyes. He looked distressed, maybe even panicked, and ran towards where they were sitting.

“I came here as fast as I could, what happened?” The man shouted. 

His voice sounded awfully familiar, and it wasn’t until Youngjae locked eyes with the man that he realized who it was.

“Im Jaebum?” Youngjae asked in disbelief, his jaw dropping to the ground. He looked like a celebrity—no, wait, _duh_ , he was in an idol group! Youngjae knew this—Jaebum’s group was the only group he was even vaguely familiar with.

Jaebum stared at him for a moment before gasping. “Youngjae? Wait, holy shit, what are you doing here?” In the midst of his shock, he pulled Youngjae from the ground and into a big hug. It felt nice to see another familiar face. 

“It’s my grandma’s ninetieth birthday!” He explained, surprise running through his veins at the sight of Jaebum.

“Oh, Jinyoung told me about that, but I mean, what are you doing _here_ , at Jinyoung’s place?” 

Youngjae eyed him suspiciously. “I could ask you the same thing.” 

Based on Youngjae’s memories, Jinyoung absolutely _hated_ Jaebum in high school—always getting angry whenever Youngjae made plans with him or mentioned him. Jaebum, on the other hand, was pretty indifferent towards him. But they were never friends, _ever_. Which made it so strange for Youngjae to see Jaebum barging into Jinyoung’s home like he owned the place—like he had been there often enough to be familiar.

“He’s kind of my best friend,” Jinyoung explained, voice quiet. “The one I told you was too busy to come over.”

“ _What_? How?” Youngjae was absolutely convinced he had entered an alternate universe. Jinyoung used to call Jaebum a rat just for fun, and would even make impromptu speeches about why Youngjae shouldn’t spend so much time with Jaebum. For him to disappear and suddenly come back to see them be best friends was the strangest thing he could ever imagine. 

Jaebum waved off the concern and shook his head. “It’s a long story, but holy fuck! I haven’t seen you in _years_.”

“Yeah...I know,” Youngae responded, but he still wasn’t able to shake off how weird the situation was. “Wait, okay, I’m a little freaked out right now. How did this happen?”

“Well, we’re in the same company—Jinyoung’s just in the acting part and I’m in the music part.” 

“ _Ah_ …” That made a lot of sense. Jinyoung had to be in an entertainment company to be an actor, and so did Jaebum to be an idol.

“Do you remember Jackson? From the taping?” Jinyoung chimed in, helping Youngjae recall the memory of the charismatic foreign idol who constantly made him laugh. Youngjae nodded. “He and Jaebum are in the same group.” 

Youngjae gasped. _Of course! That’s why Jackson seemed so familiar!_

“That’s right, your group! You guys are called...X3 right?” Youngjae asked excitedly, meeting Jaebum’s enthusiastic nod. “When I heard you were finally making your debut, I made _everyone_ I knew buy your album. My cousin’s a lifelong fan because of me.” 

“Wow... _the_ Ars, promoting _my_ music?” Jaebum teased, dramatically clutching his chest. Youngjae rolled his eyes and shoved his friend.

“Shut up. You influenced a lot of my stuff, you know.” Youngjae reminded, offering up the joint to Jaebum. He wasn’t sure if Jaebum smoked—he only ever sold him Adderall when they were teens—but the male took it from him and began smoking. 

“Of course I know. You used to follow me around like a lost puppy.” 

“What?” Jinyoung asked, his voice sounding like a mix of disbelief and anger. 

Youngjae rolled his eyes. “Hey! While I don’t necessarily keep up with your group’s music as much anymore, your solo stuff on SoundCloud is really my kind of shit.” 

Jaebum began smiling like an idiot and laughed, seemingly thrilled that someone was noticing his work. “Really? I’ve been wanting to do stuff like that for a while, but the company keeps saying that it’s not our group’s ‘color’. Like they would know.” Jaebum seemed scornful—irritated even—and Youngjae could definitely sympathize.

“No, I completely understand. Halfway through my career, my label tried really hard to change my sound and block the type of music I wanted to put out. It was really discouraging, but the important thing is to put your foot down and have confidence in the stuff you want to release.” Jaebum had always given him advice when they were teenagers, and even though they didn’t always work, it felt nice to have someone watching out for him. He wanted to do the same for Jaebum, who seemed to be going through the bumps that Youngjae had passed through years before. 

“You’re absolutely right...thanks, Youngjae.” Jaebum had that lopsided smile of his and that was enough to make it all feel worth it.

“I’m not even trying to be nice when I say I love your solo stuff— _Holic_ is one of my favorite songs, ever. Like, I'd love to hear some of your new stuff and work with you again like the old days.” 

Jaebum’s eyes widened like he had hit an epiphany. “Holy shit, would you be down to do a collaboration with me?”

“Oh my god, _yes_! Wait, that’d be so awesome!” Youngjae agreed, his musical gears beginning to turn. 

“Okay, what were you thinking? A ballad song? Or something a little more edgy?” Without a second thought, the two men quickly began brainstorming for their collaboration, disregarding the third person that sat between them, frustrated beyond belief.

“ _Mmmm_ , I was actually thinking more of—”

“Excuse me!” Jinyoung shouted, interrupting their conversation. Youngjae and Jaebum both froze and turned to their friend, who had resigned himself to pouting with crossed arms. “You two are here to comfort _me_! Not land some sort of collaboration!”

Jaebum sighed. “Dude, I haven’t seen Youngjae in—”

“Spare me your meaningless words, Im Jaebum!” Jinyoung dramatically interrupted, placing a hand in front of Jaebum’s face. “I’m going to make food.”

Without another word, Jinyoung stood from the floor and made his way to the kitchen, making sure to stomp each step and turn his nose away from the two males behind him. _Ah shit._ Youngjae messed up, again. Even when they were teenagers, Jinyoung would always get a little more sensitive about Youngjae and Jaebum’s relationship. He just didn’t think his behavior would carry on to their late twenties.

As if he had read his mind, Jaebum spoke. “It’s not your fault. You know how Jinyoung is, he’ll get over it in no time.” He pressed the tiny joint onto the ashtray, extinguishing it.

“Do you think I should go over there and talk to him?” Youngjae asked, unsure of what to do. Jaebum shook his head.

“Don’t give him what he wants, it just makes him more powerful,” He advised. After a moment of silence, Jaebum spoke again. “So, wait, what are you doing here? I heard things didn’t go too well at the taping.”

“He texted me. Said it was an emergency and I was the only other person to ever see him that way. I don’t even know how he got my number?”

“Changkyun, probably. Jinyoung used to date his brother.” Jaebum said it so casually that it was hard for Youngjae to dwell on the pain that somewhat pierced his chest. It wasn’t like he’d expected Jinyoung to wait for him for ten years—Youngjae had his own share of flings too. 

“J-Jooheon? He dated Jooheon…?” At least Youngjae was trying to seem casual about it.

Jaebum’s expression changed as he noticed how horribly Youngjae was trying to hide his emotions. “Yeah, but, I mean, they weren’t serious at _all_. Jinyoung doesn’t ever do serious.” He explained, trying to make things easier for him to digest. All it did was make Youngjae realize how much Jaebum seemed to know about Jinyoung.

“You and Jinyoung seem to be close,” Youngjae began, slowly carrying out his plan to dig information out of his old friend. “How did that happen? Back then all he wanted to do was kill you.”

Jaebum laughed at the statement and rubbed the back of his neck. If Youngjae wasn’t so emotionally attached to Jinyoung, his heart would probably be beating like crazy at this sight.

“We actually almost debuted in a group together.” 

Youngjae choked on his spit. “ _What_? Jinyoung? In a boy group? Singing? _Dancing_?” The thought was much too significant and golden for Youngjae to digest all at once. Imagining his old friend spending hours upon hours learning how to dance was too much for him to bear.

“He’s actually not as bad as you’d think. But, yeah, we were supposed to be a duo, and we actually prepared together for months, but then it didn’t work out in the end and they put him back in the acting department and placed me in X3 instead,” Jaebum smiled fondly at the memory, despite the problems he encountered. A part of Youngjae wished he’d been able to witness their friendship. “I guess you could say we’ve been really close ever since.” 

Youngjae got the answers he wanted, but he felt the urge to dig more, to know more. “I’m surprised you guys didn’t kill each other when you were trainees.” 

“Oh, no, we _definitely_ did. I pushed him into a river once because he was pissing me off,” Jaebum paused, and the two males laughed so hard their guts felt sore. “Actually, now that I think about it, we actually got close because of _you_!”

Youngjae froze. The pain in his chest was now replaced with an overwhelming feeling of anxiety. “What?”

“Yeah! When you were on that singing show, we’d watch it together and Jinyoung would make like sixty different accounts to vote for—”

“Im Jaebum!” A voice shouted, interrupting his story. Both Youngjae and Jaebum turned and saw Jinyoung standing by the kitchen doorway, his eyes angry, but his cheeks a shade of embarrassed red. He had his hands on his hips and a glare that could kill.

Jaebum groaned. He seemed to know what this meant. 

“What is it?”

Jinyoung’s frown slowly turned into an eerily wide smile and he tilted his head, widening his eyes as if to signal the male. “I can’t seem to find my oven mitts, will you please come help me look in my room?”

“You know your room better than I do.” Jaebum responded casually, not wanting to give in to his friend’s demands.

Jinyoung cleared his throat and widened his eyes even more. “Yes, but it’ll be faster if you help me.”

“I’m talking to Youngjae—”

“Im Jaebum, come help me right now, or so help me god I’ll leak some career-ending shit about you to the press!” Jinyoung shouted, his demand clear. Youngjae was shocked at the sudden change in attitude and volume, but he was familiar with it. Jaebum groaned once more, apologized to Youngjae, and reluctantly stomped towards Jinyoung, where the two eventually disappeared into another room in the penthouse.

There was only silence for a few minutes, as Youngjae absentmindedly looked through the framed pictures on Jinyoung’s wall. There were pictures of him and Jaebum from their trainee days, their teenage selves posing coolly in a practice room, as well as pictures of him with other celebrities—accepting awards, and taking a break in the middle of shoots. Youngjae noticed that there were no pictures from before he started pursuing acting as a profession—except for one. It was a framed photo of a high school-aged Jinyoung in costume, holding flowers on a stage with the brightest smile he had ever seen. Beside him, was Youngjae himself—also in costume—but smiling proudly at the sight he was faced with. He couldn’t believe that Jinyoung had kept and framed the last picture taken of the two of them—he couldn’t even look at that picture of them at the convenience store without tearing up. 

He was content with just looking through Jinyoung’s belongings and seeing what kind of person he was like now, but a loud crash coming from the bedroom interrupted Youngjae’s study. He made his way to the bedroom door, intent on knocking and making sure things were going smoothly, when he noticed that the door had been left ajar, and Youngjae could hear every single thing the two men were saying. 

“Jaebum, you _always_ fucking do this!” He heard Jinyoung accuse, his voice sounding angry.

“What did I do?” Jaebum was clueless, as always.

Jinyoung laughed cruelly. “This is _just_ like high school. Playing the clueless, innocent victim while you’re out there being a whore and taking all of his attention away!” Him? Was Jinyoung referring to Youngjae? “You did the same thing at that stupid banquet!” _Oh. So, this is about me._

“Do I need to remind you, for the _millionth_ time, that you rejected him before he asked me to go as his date?” So Jinyoung hadn’t changed that much, after all. 

“Whatever! I’ve waited too long for him to come back, and I’m not going to let your slutty ass ruin it for me!” 

“You’re overreacting! We were literally just talking about music!” Jaebum pleaded, but from what Youngjae could hear, it wasn’t doing much to help his case. Jinyoung was incredibly petty like that. 

“That’s how you always get them—you know what? I don’t care. Go back outside and tell him you have to leave.” Youngjae held back a laugh. He’d spent most of his time in the past decade wondering if this side of Jinyoung still existed even after becoming older. It was oddly comforting to know that it did. 

“Jinyoung—”

“If you paid attention to anything I’ve cried to you about for the last nine years, you’d know how much this means to me.” Jinyoung spoke softly, almost pleading. Youngjae couldn’t help but feel guilt and pain over the realization that his disappearance probably made Jinyoung cry more times than any of them could count. 

“The shit I do for you, Park Jinyoung.” Jaebum responded, officially stepping down. _So much for “don’t give him what he wants”, huh Bummie?_

Youngjae heard shuffling from inside the room and quickly scrambled back to the living room, assuming a casual resting position on the couch as if he hadn’t heard their entire exchange. Jaebum and Jinyoung rejoined him just seconds later, the actor smiling satisfiedly as his friend pouted. He noticed that they returned empty-handed, and decided to have a little fun of his own.

“Where are the mitts?” He asked, trying to keep himself from smiling. 

“What mitts?” Jinyoung asked, seemingly forgetting his entire reason for taking Jaebum in the first place.

“You needed Jaebum to help you find your oven mitts, right?” Youngjae challenged even further, and pleasantly watched as Jinyoung’s face turned white and his eyes widened with realization.

“O-Oh, um, they’re...they weren’t there. Someone probably stole them or something—right, Jaebum?” The idol stared at him with confusion, only for Jinyoung to elbow him in the arm, finally making him understand the conversation. 

“Oh, yeah! Right, right. Think it was stolen or something.” Jaebum tried to cover up, but there was no denying that Youngjae knew the truth behind their secret conversation. 

Youngjae nodded, deciding to end his little fun, and Jaebum went over and plopped down right beside him on the couch, not noticing how Jinyoung’s face went completely ballistic over the action. He tried clearing his throat several times—presumably to get his best friend to wake up and realize what he was doing—but Jaebum barely even noticed. After an entire _minute_ of Jinyoung clearing his throat like a hospital patient, he gave up and decided to just kick Jaebum in the foot, raising both his eyebrows and signaling him to move without saying anything. The entire time, Youngjae was watching from the corner of his eye, trying his best not to burst out in laughter. 

“What the fuck?” Jaebum shouted, wincing at the pain from the kick. Jinyoung blinked and shot him a polite, but incredibly threatening smile. It took him a few seconds to get the memo and reluctantly move away, making room for Jinyoung to sit next to Youngjae. 

“So, Jaebum, what’s X3 up to these days?” Youngjae asked, trying to create conversation. He felt Jinyoung tense up beside him, likely angry that he was still choosing to talk to Jaebum.

“We’re having a tour soon—I came straight from the photoshoot for it, actually, that’s why I’m all dressed up and stuff.” Jaebum explained, leaning forward to pass the barrier that was Jinyoung.

“You’re having a tour?” Youngjae repeated excitedly. “Are tickets still on sale? My cousin is a _huge_ fan of your group—he won’t ever shut up about Bambam. It’d probably mean the world to him to see you guys live!”

Jaebum stared at Youngjae like he was crazy. “Why would you need to buy tickets? Dude, you’re one of my oldest friends, I could send you over some and you can even bring your cousin backstage to meet us.”

“Wait, are you for real? I feel awful, I wanna contribute to your sales!”

“Did you forget that the whole world is like, in love with you? Including my members? You know how much cred I’d get if they see I brought _you_ to our show? They don’t believe me when I show them pictures of us from high school!” 

Youngjae laughed. “So, you’re just using me then? Bummie, I’m hurt.” He teased, maybe a little too flirtatiously. Jaebum raised his eyebrow and chuckled to himself. They were always just friends, but they always had the tendency to flirt a little. 

“Aren’t _you_ using _me_?” Jaebum responded in the same tone. “Let me give you my—”

“Hey, _Jaebum_ , don’t you have something to do?” Jinyoung interrupted, sounding angrier by the second. Youngjae remembered the exchange the two had just minutes before and had to stop himself from laughing once again. Jinyoung was still jealous of Jaebum, even after all those years. He’d never been good at hiding his jealousy.

Jaebum glanced at his best friend and sighed, clearly disappointed. “Can I at least get his number before I go?”

“I can give it to you.” Jinyoung wasn’t smiling anymore, and instead had his arms crossed like a sulky child. 

“Where are you going?” Youngjae asked. He knew Jaebum didn’t actually have anything to do, but it was still fun to act completely clueless.

“Uh...I’m…” Jaebum was hesitating so much, it was clear he hadn’t thought this through. “Feeding my cats?”

Jinyoung buried his face in his hands and sighed, clearly disappointed and shocked by the sheer stupidity of Jaebum’s excuse. Youngjae decided to give his two friends a break, and chose to believe the answer he was given, nodding and allowing Jaebum to leave. 

Jaebum reluctantly said his goodbyes to the two of them and exited out the door, leaving Youngjae alone with just Jinyoung. His buzz from the marijuana was fading fast and Youngjae finally came to realize just how _crazy_ the events of the night had been. Nothing had been going the way he expected—Jinyoung inviting him over, reuniting with Jaebum and finding out that they were best friends—Youngjae wasn’t sure if he had it in him to be surprised at anything anymore.

“Weird night, huh?” Jinyoung asked, somehow reading his mind the way he always did.

“Just didn’t think I’d be hanging out with you guys when I woke up this morning.” Youngjae tried to seem as casual and unbothered as possible, but the reality was that everything was slowly freaking him out.

“Me neither.” The actor responded, their eyes accidentally meeting. It was the first time Youngjae got to have a good look at his eyes in a long time. By the time he was seventeen, he’d memorized every single detail of Jinyoung’s dark brown eyes—every single change in hue, or dark splotch. It surprised him to see that he still remembered everything.

“Did you really make sixty different accounts to vote for me back when I was on that show?” Youngjae teased, trying to pull himself away from Jinyoung’s stare. Jinyoung sighed and buried his face in his hands, groaning in embarrassment.

“Jaebum has a serious oversharing issue.” 

“Trust me, I know.” Youngjae agreed, remembering the uncountable amount of times Jaebum had almost accidentally revealed his massive crush on Jinyoung to Jinyoung himself. 

The male beside him let out a tiny laugh and lifted his head, staring at Youngjae once again. “Right, I forgot he was like your best friend in high school, or whatever.” He commented, not even trying to hide the bitterness in his voice. _Same old Jinyoung_.

“No,” Youngjae disagreed, scooting closer to Jinyoung. He rested the side of his head on his hand and smiled lazily at his old friend. “That was you.”

Youngjae fully expected Jinyoung to pull himself away from the situation—to clear his throat or awkwardly cough then pull back—the way he always did when they were teens. But he never did. Instead, he inched a bit closer to Youngjae, until their faces were so close together he could see every pore on Jinyoung’s face. So, maybe he learned a trick or two after a decade. 

“You’re a flirt.” Jinyoung accused, mimicking his lazy smile. 

“You never used to have a problem with it.” He shot back with ease. This was a game he’d played a thousand times before, but playing with Jinyoung was easier than with anyone else. 

“That’s a big assumption to make.” 

Youngjae wasn’t sure what was going to happen. They hadn’t been this close to each other since _that_ night, and Youngjae wasn’t even sure if Jinyoung really wanted that anymore. Nobody ever taught him how to act in situations like this—was he supposed to prepare himself for a night alone with the person he’d been in love with for most of his adult life? It was even worse for Youngjae—he’d left him cold turkey and stayed away for years. What was he supposed to do? 

“Jinyoung, I—” Before Youngjae could continue, his phone buzzed aggressively in his pocket, signaling a call. He froze for a moment, not sure if he should pick up or ignore it, but Jinyoung glanced at his pocket and nodded, allowing him to retrieve it. Youngjae fished the phone from his pocket and read the name on the screen—Mark. _I’m going to kill him_. 

Youngjae accepted the call and placed the phone to his ear, immediately hearing screams and chaos come from the call. 

“Youngjae? Dude! Where are you?” Mark asked urgently. Youngjae could barely make out his words from the ruckus going on in the background. 

“I’m with a friend. What’s going on?” 

“You need to come home. _Now_.”

“What? Why? Mark, what’s going on? Who’s shouting?” He heard the sound of glass breaking and even more shouting from the background and immediately became alert. “Mark, what the fuck was that?”

“Your family’s fighting and yelling at each other, and your grandma just went _ballistic_ because someone accidentally knocked over a glass vase.” Mark whispered, clearly panicking. 

Youngjae sighed. “Was it the glass vase on the table near the bathroom?” 

“Yeah!” Youngjae shut his eyes. That was his grandmother’s favorite vase. All hell must’ve broken loose. 

“I’ll be home in fifteen.”

Mark let out a sigh of relief. “Hurry, because I don’t think Yugyeom’s strong enough to hold your grandma back.” He urged and promptly ended the call. Youngjae placed his phone at his side and leaned back on the couch, groaning. _Why was I given the most unnecessarily crazy family available? Grandma’s gonna kill whoever broke her vase._

“Is everything okay?” Jinyoung asked quietly, breaking Youngjae from his moment of self-pity.

“Yeah, my family’s just fucking crazy and I have to get home.” Youngjae explained. He couldn’t help but feel extremely disappointed at the most recent turn of events. He hadn’t been sure about what else he was going to do with Jinyoung, but it _definitely_ did not include leaving so quickly.

“Let me drive you.” Jinyoung offered, suddenly taking his hand. Youngjae froze at the touch and glanced quickly at their joined hands, not wanting to spend too much time thinking about it. He liked it, but it was a strange feeling—he knew it wasn’t something to get used to.

“Are you sure?” Youngjae asked, trying not to stutter. Jinyoung nodded.

“It’s the least I could do after dragging you out here.” Youngjae studied his face carefully, trying to find signs of the socially inexperienced boy he’d known all those years before, but all he saw was confidence, and a determination to maintain his stance. 

“Okay, sure.” Youngjae agreed, smiling, but somewhat cautious. 

Within minutes, they were seated in Jinyoung’s fancy car, with Youngjae strapped in the passenger seat and Jinyoung picking out the music to play on his phone. His car was expensive—Youngjae could absolutely tell. It was in this moment that he remembered just exactly who Jinyoung had become—a successful actor, well-established around Asia. The whole night, he’d been wrapped up in the idea that Jinyoung hadn’t changed as much as he expected, but what he managed to ignore completely was that he _had_ changed. Jinyoung was no longer the bratty, overambitious wannabe med student he had known at eighteen. He was a fully grown adult—a public figure with responsibilities and admiring eyes that constantly followed him. He’d ended up in a position not too far from where Youngjae ended up himself, and that was the biggest surprise of all.

When they were just sitting in Jinyoung’s living room, isolated and playfully teasing each other, it felt like nothing had changed. It was like Jinyoung was still that jittery, stressed kid and Youngjae was his drug dealer. But sitting in his expensive car, driving past billboards of Jinyoung, and hearing Youngjae’s music all over his Top 40 playlist made him realize that things had most _definitely_ changed. They had both succeeded so much more than anything their eighteen-year-old selves could have imagined in that broken-down tool shed. Despite all the bad that happened, Youngjae couldn’t help but think that things had gone the way they were supposed to. 

Within fifteen minutes, Jinyoung pulled up in front of Youngjae’s house, smiling nostalgically at the sight. By the end of high school, Jinyoung had spent more time at Youngjae’s house than his own, to the point where he considered it to be his home. Youngjae realized he probably hadn’t been back in years either.

“It hasn’t changed one bit.” Youngjae commented, staring at the house with him. 

“Yeah,” He agreed, suddenly breaking himself away. “I’ve got way too many memories here.”

“I mean, it was your home too,” Youngjae reminded, looking away from the house to meet Jinyoung’s eyes. He could see the hurt in his face and Youngjae wanted so bad to look away, to not deal with the repercussions of his actions, but it wasn’t fair to Jinyoung. “D-Do you want to come in?”

Jinyoung’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “I can come in?”

“Yeah, of course! I mean, I think that seeing you would actually make Grandma calm down, since she—” Before Youngjae could continue, he heard the sound of the front door opening and panicked footsteps approaching the car.

“Holy shit, Youngjae, there you are!” Yugyeom shouted as he ran towards the car. “Grandma’s about to kill her sister, can you believe they’re fighting over the ending of that stupid goddamn romance drama with—”

Yugyeom froze the moment he reached the car, in complete disbelief at who exactly was driving the car. “Park Jinyoung.” He whispered, his jaw practically dropping to the ground. 

“Holy shit, is this your little cousin who asked me if I had a stick up my ass?” Jinyoung asked, complete amusement all over his face. Youngjae was confused by his statement at first, until he finally remembered that Jinyoung and Yugyeom had met once before—ten years ago.

Yugyeom seemed to remember this fact as well and placed his hand over his mouth. “Oh my god. That was you. Oh my god. I— _you_! That was _you_. Holy shit, I’m so _incredibly_ sorry. I—”

“It’s okay, I also made fun of you for having a prepubescent voice, so I _think_ we’re even.” Jinyoung interrupted, flashing Yugyeom his heart-melting, celebrity smile. 

Youngjae rolled his eyes and turned his attention to his cousin, who was still frozen and shocked at the revelation. “Wait, Yugyeom, what are they fighting about?”

It took a moment for his cousin to respond, until he raised a finger and pointed to Jinyoung. “His drama.” He said, eyes still wide in shock. 

“Oh, yeah, I definitely shouldn’t come in then.” Jinyoung grimaced.

“Why not?”

“Well, the latest episode revealed that I was kind of the bad guy the whole time—if I go in there, your whole family is going to murder me.” Jinyoung explained as Yugyeom nodded in the background. 

“Actors,” Youngjae complained, jokingly rolling his eyes. He unbuckled his seatbelt and let out a big sigh. “I guess this is good night then. Thank you for driving me out here.”

“It’s no problem.” Jinyoung replied, seemingly not knowing what his next actions should be.

“I’ll see you around, then?” Youngjae declared, but his words sounded more like a question rather than a statement. He had opted to leave things the way they were instead of seeking anything more. He still wasn’t exactly sure where Jinyoung stood with him, and he was prepared to let things run its course. Youngjae opened the car door and prepared himself to leave when Jinyoung grabbed his hand. 

“Are you free tomorrow?” He asked, the grip on his hand was tight in a familiar sense of fear and anxiety. Youngjae was surprised by the question, but nodded anyway. “Do you want to help me study lines? Like old times?”

There was a moment of hesitation that occurred, but Youngjae knew what he wanted. “I’d love to,” He responded. Jinyoung’s expression turned quickly from afraid to joyful, as a large smile quickly consumed the bottom half of his face. “Just text me.”

“Good night, Youngjae.” Jinyoung released his hand, and Youngjae exited the vehicle. He closed the car door and poked his head through the window.

“Good night, Jinyoung.” Youngjae smiled until his eyes disappeared, feeling giddy as ever, and Jinyoung managed to chuckle just a little bit before driving away in his car. 

Youngjae felt absolutely light. Like there were a million butterflies in his stomach and he could just fly off to wherever he wanted. He hadn’t felt this excited about anything in an incredibly long time. He hadn’t felt like this about anyone since Jinyoung himself. He walked towards his frozen cousin and placed an arm around him, as if needing an anchor to keep him steady on the ground. 

“I asked Park Jinyoung if he had a stick shoved up his ass and called him a Spongebob knock-off.” Yugyeom realized, his voice a mix of regret and shock. Youngjae could only laugh and hugged his cousin closer.

“It’s not like you were wrong.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading! if you enjoyed this please feel free to leave a kudos or comment or anything really! i hope you enjoyed this week's dose of bossy and sulky jinyoung MUAH if you wanna come talk to me or yell at me im on twitter @KlNGARS (the l is a lowercase L!!) anyway YAY YES i will see you all next week muah zaranghay


	9. -5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone! sorry for being a little late with this week's chapters, but i've kinda hit a little bit of writer's block recently, so updates MIGHT not be as frequent as usual. i really want to keep posting two chapters at a time so i think updates every two weeks might be a possibility. anyway, thank you to everyone who posted all the super sweet comments about this fic :( you are all invited to my future wedding i love you

2009

Jinyoung circled the final option on the practice exam before finally setting it aside and allowing his legs to stretch on the ground. He leaned on the sofa and readjusted his back, feeling satisfaction at the sound of his bones cracking. Youngjae’s sofa was always the most comfortable place to take his practice exams. Even when Youngjae wasn’t home (like how he was at this moment), Jinyoung would just come by on his own, park himself on Youngjae’s sofa or bed, and study until he came by. 

His grandmother didn’t mind at all—in fact, she welcomed Jinyoung with open arms. They shared a common interest in old books and this allowed for them to have many unending conversations that always made Youngjae roll his eyes. Within just a few short weeks, Youngjae and his grandmother welcomed him into their lives, and allowed him to completely throw himself into their daily routines. There was something oddly comforting about Youngjae’s home.

Just as Jinyoung was ready to pull himself back up for another practice test, he heard the front door open and slam shut, along with the sound of two feet scurrying towards the living room with urgency.

“Park Jinyoung!” The voice shouted, and Jinyoung immediately recognized it as Youngjae. He lifted his head and waited as his friend quickly ran into the living room and jumped into the sofa, landing right next to Jinyoung. 

“What?” Jinyoung asked, waiting for Youngjae to catch his breath.

Youngjae placed a hand in front of Jinyoung’s face and continued breathing. “Wait. I ran all the way here from your place.” Youngjae explained in between breaths, struggling to speak normally.

“What were you doing at my house?” 

“Looking for you, duh! I went to the library, the ice cream place, the park—”

“If you knew me at all, you’d know I wouldn’t be at the park.”

“Yeah, if I knew you at all, I would’ve just went straight home! You’re always here!” 

“You couldn’t have just called me?”

“Oh, _wow_ , why didn’t I think of that? Oh, that’s right! Because you only turn your phone on whenever you need something from me!” Youngjae shouted sarcastically, his tone irritating Jinyoung.

Jinyoung rolled his eyes and lightly hit Youngjae’s head with a rolled up practice exam. “Whatever. Why were you looking for me?”

A big smile immediately took over the bottom half of Youngjae’s face as he took out a folded piece of paper from his back pocket. Jinyoung eyed the paper suspiciously but waited for his friend to explain.

“So I was selling some stuff to Yoo Jeongyeon at the playground—”

“Illegal stuff.” Jinyoung interrupted playfully, wanting to irritate the most out of his friend. 

“Like _you_ didn’t start off as a client,” Youngjae shot back, crossing his arms. “Anyway, you know how she’s kind of super crazy involved with the school theater program and all that stuff?”

Jinyoung narrowed his eyes. He wasn’t exactly sure where Youngjae was going with this. “Sure.”

“Well, when we were talking, she ended up venting to me about how all the good male performers at our school have graduated, so there’s nobody qualified enough to even _audition_ for the lead in the upcoming play!”

Jinyoung hesitated. He didn’t like where this was going. “So...?”

Youngjae giggled innocently and slowly unwrapped the paper in his hands, revealing it to be an audition form for Jeongyeon’s play. “ _So_ , I told her that I knew someone who would be interested _and_ knock the role out of the park.”

“What?” Jinyoung practically shouted, finding himself in complete disbelief. “You better be talking about yourself, or so help me god, I’m going to slap you so hard your only two braincells will combust.”

“Ugh, come on, Jinyoung! You’d do so great in this, I know you would!” Youngjae begged, placing his arms on Jinyoung’s shoulder. Jinyoung quickly shrugged them off and crossed his arms.

“No, you don’t. You’ve never even seen me act!”

“Um, yes I have,” He challenged, prompting Jinyoung to raise his eyebrow. “I’ve seen you act like a prissy goody two-shoes in front of your parents and lie to them that your eyes were bloodshot because you didn’t get enough sleep.” 

Jinyoung gave him a look and resisted the urge to hit him with the rolled test paper once again. “First of all, fuck you. Second of all, I’m not doing this stupid play.”

“But _why_?” Youngjae whined.

“I can’t—I don’t have the time! I have to prepare for university entrance exams, school exams, I have to tutor _you_ and make sure you actually graduate, I have to—”

“Please, you’ve been preparing for university entrance exams since the third grade! You’ll be fine! Plus, you already know everything they teach at school like the back of your hand, you could do those exams with your eyes closed.” Youngjae was throwing rebuttals against his excuses like rocks, seemingly desperate in getting Jinyoung to participate in the play. But he couldn’t. It wasn’t something he did. He couldn’t swing something like that.

“My parents will kill me if they find out.” Jinyoung mumbled quietly, staring at his fidgeting hands. He felt a hand on his shoulder, a warm one, and looked up to meet Youngjae’s eyes.

“I’ve got your back no matter what.” He assured, his eyes so kind they made Jinyoung’s heart melt. For a second, he felt somewhat swayed to give in to Youngjae’s begging and whining. It was the eyes, no doubt—so big, and brown, and warm. But in an effort to stop himself from getting too caught up in a tangent about his friend’s eyes, Jinyoung spotted the audition form on his lap and remembered once again what he was being asked to do.

“I-I can’t,” Jinyoung declined, gently taking Youngjae’s hand off. “Even if I _did_ agree to do it—which I won’t—I wouldn’t even know what to do. I mean, I’m not an actor, Youngjae! I don’t know why you gave that poor girl false hope, because I haven’t done anything remotely _close_ to acting since that play in the fifth grade! Just because I enjoyed doing it, doesn’t make me good at it!” 

Youngjae groaned and rolled his eyes. “You have such little faith in yourself. You’re so good at _everything_ you do—now, imagine if you actually liked doing it! You told me yourself you enjoyed acting, _and_ that you wanted to do theater for fun in college. Wouldn’t you want to try it out first to see how you’d actually feel about it?”

Jinyoung shifted his focus to his hands again and tried not to let himself be so easily swayed. Youngjae had made some points—points that got his attention, but Jinyoung still had his mind wrapped up in the idea that joining the play just wasn’t an option. There were a number of concerns that would make things difficult, and Jinyoung didn’t do “difficult”. He wouldn’t even know what he’d do if his parents ever found out. They’d certainly bar him from leaving the house ever again. And that would mean never seeing Youngjae again— _no, focus, Jinyoung. He is not the issue here._

He hadn’t mentally prepared himself for the idea of exploring his own personal interests in high school. He figured that’d just be something he’d do in college—when he’d at least be given more time to be on his own. But even just _auditioning_ for the play was too much of a divergence from the plan he’d laid out for the rest of the year. Befriending and spending so much time with Youngjae was already a major change. There were too many things to worry about when it came to the play. Where would Jinyoung find the time? How would he adapt? He’d never entered a situation where he wasn’t _certain_ he was the most skilled person in the room—what if he auditioned and just completely embarrassed himself? There was too much risk involved for him to it all alone. 

_Wait. Unless..._

“You’re doing it with me.” Jinyoung decided, shoving the paper towards Youngjae’s chest. The male jumped at the announcement and widened his eyes, completely shocked.

“What?” He asked, barely grasping the situation. “B-But I can’t act!”

Jinyoung crossed his arms defensively. “Well, neither can I, but you’re still making me do it!”

“But I’m doing it for a good cause! I’m trying to help you find your passion! You just don’t want to sink alone.” Youngjae sulked.

“Who says I’m not doing it for a good cause? If I devote all my time to this play, how am I supposed to keep track of your studies and tutor you? If we do this _together,_ I can make sure you’re actually studying and not just sneaking off to the shed every chance you get.” Jinyoung was pulling at threads to make his argument work, but it seemed to make sense so far. He wasn’t going to do this alone.

“But I’ll just embarrass myself!” 

Jinyoung’s nostrils flared and he quickly grabbed onto Youngjae’s shoulder, squeezing it firmly. “Listen, _bucko_ , you’ve somewhat convinced me to audition for this stupid play, but if I’m just going to end up humiliating myself, I am _not_ going down alone. If I get rotten tomatoes thrown at me onstage, I’m pulling you up there with me and using you as a human shield, got it?” Youngjae seemed surprised—almost scared, even. Jinyoung smiled and raised his head, taking pride in his ability to scare his friend.

He’d expected Youngjae to comment on how convincing Jinyoung had been or how scary his speech was, but instead he said, “Did you really just fucking call me _bucko_?”

Jinyoung let out an exasperated sigh and pushed Youngjae down by the shoulder. “You’re such an asshole.” He mumbled loud enough for the other to hear, and began collecting his things, adding extra force when necessary to make sure that Youngjae knew he was angry. 

“ _Nooo_ , come on don’t leave!” Youngjae cooed, trying to pull Jinyoung back in between laughs. Jinyoung merely scoffed and continued stuffing his books and papers into his backpack. “I was just joking. If this is what it’ll take to get you to join, then yeah, _of course_ I’ll do it with you!”

Jinyoung felt a small smile tug at the corners of his lips, but fought to keep it concealed from Youngjae. “Such an asshole.” He continued to mumble, placing the straps of his bag on his shoulders. He was trying to milk his sulkiness for all it was worth to make Youngjae feel guilty, but it didn’t seem to do anything to him. He should’ve known better—they’d gotten so close that Youngjae was immune to all of his usual manipulation techniques.

Jinyoung made his way towards the door where he finally allowed himself to smile, satisfied that he’d managed to pull Youngjae into the same sinking boat that he was on. Getting to spend a little extra time with him wasn’t exactly a bad thing either. 

“So you’re doing it, right?” Youngjae called out as Jinyoung opened the door. He turned around to see his friend peeking his head so far back the sofa that Jinyoung was certain he’d fall, and tried his best to hold his laugh.

He feigned indifference and shrugged. “I guess.” Jinyoung tried to say in the most monotone voice he could manage, before stepping outside, closing the door behind him. When he was certain that he was completely out of Youngjae’s sight, Jinyoung allowed himself to let out a tiny smile, finding himself feeling somewhat excited at the thought of finally trying something new.

+++

On Wednesday, Jinyoung waited outside the auditorium doors for Youngjae to arrive. Classes had finished for the day, and Jinyoung was _willingly_ skipping his study session to audition for Jeongyeon’s play. He should’ve been completely worried—exams were coming up and he couldn’t afford to mess around—but he wasn’t at all. Instead he felt something else in his chest—a different kind of accelerated heartbeat, similar to excitement, he later concluded. Jinyoung had zero confidence in himself for the audition and had no idea _at all_ over how things were going to work out, but he couldn’t help but feel somewhat giddy at the opportunity. For days, this had been the only thing on his mind. He felt it was an absolute longshot but Jinyoung vowed that if he landed a role on the play, he’d take it as a learning opportunity—a way to learn about himself and what he liked. 

“Jinyoung!” Youngjae called from across the hallway, running towards his direction with his hair in a disheveled mess and his shoelaces untied. Jinyoung sighed and instinctively bent down to tie his friend’s shoelaces for him the moment he came close enough. He stood after making sure the laces were secure and combed through Youngjae’s hair with his fingers, making sure to tame all the knots. Such small actions were becoming normal to Jinyoung, who quickly realized after spending most of their time together, that Youngjae was just a step above an infant and needed to be taken care of constantly. 

“You’re late.” Jinyoung scolded, pulling out both of their audition forms from his backpack. Youngjae checked his watch and scoffed.

“The audition doesn’t even start for another five minutes.” 

“You’re still late, because you should be fifteen minutes early to _everything_.” Jinyoung explained, raising his chin arrogantly. Youngjae could only roll his eyes and gently push the back of his head jokingly. 

“You’re such a fucking loser.” Youngjae commented, but there was a slight fondness in the way he spoke that Jinyoung couldn’t help but feel his legs weaken like jelly. He didn’t say anything in response to Youngjae’s comment, and instead stood there like an idiot. Youngjae didn’t seem to mind though, as he placed his arm around Jinyoung’s shoulder, putting his whole weight onto Jinyoung’s shoulders. 

They both walked into the auditorium together, seeing almost thirty other male students piled up onstage for the audition. Jinyoung could spot Jeongyeon and some other students in deep discussion at the center of the seating area, and felt relieved to know that the auditions hadn’t started yet. He pulled Youngjae’s arm off his shoulders and grabbed his hand instead, running towards the stage. There was a student waiting by the stage stairs to collect their forms and Jinyoung quickly handed both of theirs to her before finding an empty spot to settle onstage. 

Jinyoung was slightly nervous. Youngjae barely told him anything about how the audition process was going to work, and there was no way he could get his hands on the material beforehand for practice. For the first time in his life, he was completely unprepared.

“You’re gonna do fine.” Youngjae whispered, as if reading his mind. Jinyoung’s nerves calmed for just a brief moment as he gave Youngjae a small smile. 

They waited for a few more minutes until Jeongyeon finally stood from her seat and made her way closer to the stage. She placed her hands on her hips and observed everyone who had come to audition, seemingly evaluating them already. Youngjae popped his head up from his position in the crowd and waved cheerfully at the student, breaking her serious stare. She waved back as Youngjae began pointing furiously at Jinyoung, mouthing some words to her that Jinyoung couldn’t understand. Jeongyeon looked shocked when she realized who Youngjae had brought, and Jinyoung wanted nothing more than to disappear into the crowd and run away. He buried his face in his hands and waited for Youngjae to stop pulling all the attention towards him. 

“Hi everyone, my name is Yoo Jeongyeon, I’m the director and I’d just like to say, thank you so much for coming!” Jeongyeon began, projecting her voice in a way that only theater kids could do. “As you all know, today we’ll be holding auditions for the male roles of our original play, which we’ve named _The Problem with Ambition_. Right now, we’re mainly looking for our male lead, however, we’ll also be casting for other supporting male characters along the way, so even if you’re not chosen, don’t be discouraged!”

“You’re _definitely_ going to get cast as the lead.” Youngjae whispered excitedly, lightly elbowing him in the arm.

Jinyoung rolled his eyes. “Please, she’ll probably make me into a tree or something.” 

“Diffidence doesn’t look good on you, Park Jinyoung.” He challenged, referring to his unusual lack of self-confidence.

Jinyoung scoffed. “That’s a big word for you. Are you sure you’re using it correctly?” Jinyoung laughed to himself at his joke but knew that it was a tad bit mean. 

Youngjae sighed. “You’re deflecting.” He reminded in a sing-song voice.

“Shut up.” Jinyoung whispered, and said nothing else. He didn’t need Youngjae to tell him something he already knew. Jinyoung hadn’t been this nervous over anything in a very long time, he didn’t know how to properly handle himself other than making cruel jokes and lashing out. 

Just as Youngjae was about to say something in retaliation, one of the students came over to where they all sat and began distributing single sheets of paper with dialogue on them, making sure that each person received one.

“So, right now we’re giving you the scene that all of you will be auditioning with, and it’s a short exchange between our male lead and our female lead—played by our very own, Im Nayeon—that you will perform as part of your audition. We will be giving you thirty minutes to read through everything and prepare as much as you can, and afterwards we’ll be calling everyone one-by-one for their audition.” Jeongyeon explained, a proud smile taking over her face as she watched the young male students nervously read over the material.

Jinyoung began analyzing the scene as soon as he got his hands on the piece of paper, reading through it over and over again until he could fully understand what was being asked. Jinyoung didn’t have much confidence in his ability to perform the scene, but he was going to give it everything he had, mostly to see if it was as fun as he remembered. 

The scene was only between the two leads, and from what Jinyoung could gather, it was meant to be an emotional one. The two characters were in what seemed to be a fractured relationship—the script had explained that they were “hanging by their bones” to stay together. There was something about how the script was formatted, how the words were written, and how the dialogue played such an integral role to the art that just seemed to pull Jinyoung in completely. Within just thirty seconds, he felt completely immersed in a world that had been created on just a single double-sided piece of paper. It was like everything immediately clicked. 

The scene portrayed the couple on the verge of breaking up, something had happened to trigger the argument, and the female lead was set on ending their relationship, but the male had resorted to begging, desperate to get her to stay. It was a heartbreaking situation—Jinyoung could definitely understand that. He could understand the emotions that were needed for the scene, but he had a difficult time trying to convey them himself. Jinyoung was a prideful person, and he had never felt so strongly about anyone to throw all his pride away like the male in the scene. He was feeling frustrated at his inability to understand and channel the intensity of those emotions, until he felt a head rest on his lap. 

“I told Jeongyeon to make me into a tree, so I’m gonna nap until the actual auditions start.” Youngjae mumbled, and curled up on Jinyoung’s lap, closing his eyes. Jinyoung froze for a moment, taken aback by the sudden action and the confused looks that others were making at their unusual friendship. The physical contact wasn’t a concept that was foreign to their relationship—sometimes Youngjae just liked sleeping on his lap, and as long as he didn’t talk too much, Jinyoung never minded. What surprised Jinyoung and made him feel more confused than ever, was how he could immediately understand the intense feelings of the scene the moment he saw Youngjae. It was a combination of jumbled emotions and mixed messages, Jinyoung didn’t know if he had the mental capacity to fully process _why_ Youngjae made him feel this way. They were just friends—Jinyoung went out of his way to emphasize that to _both_ of them—but were friendships supposed to feel this intense? He didn’t know. 

Despite his confusion, Jinyoung chose to focus on the effect that Youngjae’s presence had—it allowed him to understand the script better and helped him move forward. For the next half hour, Jinyoung recited each line and practiced channeling his emotions into what was needed for the character. All the while, Youngjae was fast asleep on his lap, never even stirring whenever Jinyoung got a little too carried away with his lines. 

After thirty minutes, Jeongyeon called the first name to the stage, and Jinyoung and Youngjae waited backstage with everyone else as they waited for their names to be called. Youngjae wanted to take another nap, but Jinyoung forced him to stay awake and read through the script _at least_ two more times. He knew Youngjae wasn’t aiming to get the main lead, but if Jinyoung were to be cast in a role, he’d want him to be cast too. 

In the middle of what must’ve been his hundredth time rehearsing the scene, Jeongyeon called his name through the microphone, summoning him to the stage. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down before going onstage, but what really helped him settle down was Youngjae squeezing his hand and giving him an encouraging smile that seemed to make everything disappear.

“You got this.” He whispered, before finally letting him go. Jinyoung nodded and quickly made his way to the stage, suddenly feeling intimidated at the bright lights that attacked his vision. 

“Hi, my name is Park Jinyoung, and...I guess I’m auditioning.” He introduced, sounding uncharacteristically unsure and shy. 

“I have to say, I was really surprised when you showed up to audition, I mean, I never knew you were interested in acting or theater.” Jeongyeon commented, studying Jinyoung so intensely he felt like a cell being viewed under a microscope.

“I’m just...trying things out.” He answered, careful with his words. 

Jeongyeon flashed him a friendly smile and nodded. “Well, if you’re as good as Youngjae says, then I’m glad you decided to try this out,” She said encouragingly. “Nayeon will be reading her lines with you, and you can start whenever you’re ready.”

Sitting beside her, Nayeon waved cheerfully at Jinyoung, signaling her presence. Jinyoung wasn’t sure if he was supposed to wave back, but in the middle of contemplating his options, he realized he’d spent too much time standing idly and not doing anything and decided to just start his audition. 

Jinyoung cleared his throat and closed his eyes, trying for the last time to channel whatever feelings he had to the character on paper. When he opened them, he felt ready.

“Why are you doing this?” Jinyoung began, reciting the lines he had so quickly memorized. He spoke softly, trying to convey desperation instead of anger. There was a lack of explicit direction or action lines in the script, and that was done on purpose—Jeongyeon wanted to see each person’s interpretation of the scene, and base her decision on how well they were able to sell it to her. Many of the candidates expressed the male character’s dialogue through anger and frustration, but that wasn’t how Jinyoung interpreted him at all. 

“Open your eyes! Everything is falling apart around us, nothing is working!” Nayeon responded, reading her lines from her seat. 

“But,” Jinyoung maintained his soft volume and lifted his gaze from the ground to the audience. “I don’t see it that way. I don’t feel that. I...I don’t understand why this is what has to happen.”

He could see that both Jeongyeon and Nayeon were surprised by his interpretation of the scene, and watched as Nayeon adjusted herself to fit his mood. She softened her voice as well.

“We’re going to kill each other if we keep this up. I don’t want to get caught in the explosion.” Her voice was heartbreaking, and it felt like they were both competing to see who could generate the most sympathy from the audience.

“I’m selfish, aren’t I?” Jinyoung asked, somehow managing to make his voice break slightly. He saw Nayeon smirk and shake her head, acknowledging his new move in their competition. “I should let you go, shouldn’t I? That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

Nayeon sniffled. “It’s what has to happen.” _Touché_. She was going all in. 

“But what about what you want? Or what _I_ want?” Jinyoung raised his voice slightly, the desperation oozing so easily from his words. He let out a rehearsed exasperated chuckle and softened his voice again, until it was almost a whisper. “Do they not matter?”

There was a long pause before the next line was said, and in that long pause, all Jinyoung could think about was how energized he felt and how exciting it was to bounce off lines with someone who seemed to understand the strange joy in expressing such emotions. 

“No.” Nayeon responded, firm and unmoving.

Jinyoung nodded and laughed cruelly, trying to seem both dispirited and betrayed at the same time. “Then I guess we were always wrong for each other.”

“C-Cut!” Jeongyeon announced weakly, stuttering in shock. “Park Jinyoung, where the hell did _that_ come from?”

For a moment, Jinyoung thought her statement signaled her dissatisfaction at how he interpreted the scene and panicked. “Was that wrong? Should I do it again?”

“No!” She shouted, making Nayeon laugh. “That was perfect. That was—seriously, Jinyoung, you had to wait until our final year to audition? That was, I mean—”

“We still have a few more people left.” Nayeon reminded, interrupting Jeongyeon’s words. The actress didn’t seem surprised at all, instead she just looked intrigued, like she wanted to dig further into Jinyoung’s sudden desire to participate. 

“Right! Well, Jinyoung, thank you for auditioning. We’ll let you know in a few days.” She explained, immediately returning to her professional director persona. 

Jinyoung felt himself smile and thanked the both of them before exiting the stage, his mind trying to quickly process everything that had just happened onstage. Jinyoung wasn’t particularly sure if he did well or horribly, but he couldn’t deny the fact that he had enjoyed the time he spent preparing and performing onstage. There was just something about placing himself in someone else’s shoes, trying to understand their motives, and portraying them. He’d left the stage unsure of the quality of his performance, but completely certain that his long-harbored secret interest was valid. 

He couldn’t find Youngjae when he returned backstage, but was instead met by an eager, tight back hug by his excited friend. Jinyoung tried to resist the sudden violation of his personal space, but instead found that he was unable to. Jinyoung felt his cheeks suddenly heating up at the feeling of Youngjae’s arms around him and quickly hid his face.

“You did so _amazing_! Oscar-worthy!” Youngjae declared excitedly, finally letting go to allow Jinyoung to turn around.

“You’re just saying that.” He shrugged off, shaking his head.

“No, I’m not! A bunch of people snuck out to watch your audition and we were all completely blown away. I mean, I knew you’d be good, but not _that_ good!” Youngjae urged. Jinyoung knew he was an arrogant person, but for some reason he couldn’t find it in himself to be that way about his acting. 

“Thanks but, I don’t know. I hope I at least get a speaking role.” Jinyoung confessed, sighing. It wasn’t like him to be have such little confidence over something, and Youngjae seemed to notice that he was being genuine.

“Hey, you wanna come over to my place after this?” Youngjae offered, placing a comforting arm around Jinyoung’s shoulder. He laughed.

“I was coming over anyway, with or without an invite.” 

Youngjae rolled his eyes and lightly nudged Jinyoung’s forehead. “You’re really—”

“Choi Youngjae!” Jeongyeon called through the microphone, signaling Youngjae’s turn to audition. Youngjae sighed and took his arm off Jinyoung’s shoulders, the act suddenly making him feel cold. 

“Gotta audition for my tree role!” He exclaimed, shooting an enthusiastic smile before making his way to the stage. Jinyoung shook his head and smiled, his actions never failed to entertain him.

Despite barely preparing for the audition at all, Youngjae somehow managed to end up singing for the production team, distracting everybody from the fact that he’d _barely_ gotten to read out his lines from the script. _Show off_. Still, Jinyoung had to hand it to him. Youngjae had a sweet smile and an even sweeter disposition that worked to throw everybody off his scent—it hid the truth that Choi Youngjae was actually a genius mastermind who knew how to use his vocal skills and false innocence to get what he wanted. Sometimes, Jinyoung even thought Youngjae was the more manipulative of the two. That just made their friendship all the more perfect.

+++

“Do you think if the radioactive spider that bit Peter Parker bit Superman, it’d die?” Youngjae asked, pondering on the thought seriously. Jinyoung stared at him with complete confusion and shook his head.

“Is this what you do with your free time?” He asked, genuinely wondering.

“Nah, it’d never work. They’re from two completely universes anyway. The rules _have_ to be different.” 

“I genuinely have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

“Well, at least now you know how I feel during our tutoring sessions.” Youngjae gripped his backpack straps even tighter and continued walking down the hallway. Jinyoung was about to say something in response when they encountered a small group of people huddled over something posted on the bulletin board nearby. 

“Is that…?” Jinyoung trailed off, getting an idea of what the announcement might be. 

“The cast list.” Youngjae continued, his face excited and determined. It had been three days since the auditions, and Jinyoung spent those three days waiting with bated breath. Youngjae grabbed his hand with the intent of pulling him towards the crowd, but Jinyoung pulled back, not wanting to go just yet.

“Wait. I’m...I don’t know if I want to see.” He confessed quietly, fear slowly consuming him. What if he didn’t make it into the cast at all? Sure, he enjoyed acting and playing the part, but that meant nothing if he couldn’t even do it properly. He’d just be another delusional dreamer. 

“Hey,” Youngjae began, squeezing his hand comfortingly. “Even if you don’t get the part, you still had fun didn’t you?”

“Yeah, but—”

“No buts. That was your first time _really_ acting. It’s okay if you don’t get the role, you’re still new to this whole thing, and even for a newbie, you did really well,” Youngjae spoke calmly, and held Jinyoung’s hand tightly as if he was trying to transfer some of his calmness to him. “All I’m saying is, if you don’t get the role you wanted, don’t beat yourself up about it okay? That was your first time acting. What matters is that now you know what you like, and you know yourself a little bit better. Okay?”

Jinyoung took a deep breath. “Okay. Let’s go.” He finally decided, spotting an excited smile make its way to Youngjae’s face as he allowed himself to be pulled towards the crowd. 

They wormed their way through the crowd of people, with Youngjae gently pushing other people away to make room for the both of them until they finally reached the list, tacked on the wooden board. Jinyoung purposely stood behind Youngjae, using his friend as a human shield to block him from seeing the cast list. He was too afraid. Without thinking much about it, Jinyoung lifted his free hand and grabbed onto Youngjae’s, fully depending on him with both of his hands. It felt like a metaphor of some sort, representing the evolution of their friendship, but Jinyoung didn’t want to think about that now.

“You should look.” Youngjae whispered softly in his ear. Jinyoung squeezed his hand tightly before slowly walking past his friend, reluctantly lifting his head to see if he’d made it or not. 

The moment his eyes landed on the white paper, his heart stopped.

_Male lead - Park Jinyoung_

“Holy shit.” He heard himself mumble. He hadn’t expected to be chosen as the lead at all. All weekend, he’d hoped to just get a small role with some speaking lines—he didn’t even dare to ask for the main role. But now, here he was, faced with the fact that he _had_ , in fact, been chosen to portray the male lead. 

“You did it, Jinyoung, I told you!” Youngjae whispered excitedly, shaking his shoulders with his hands. Remembering his friend’s promise, Jinyoung glanced at the cast list again, searching for his name. And just as he’d hoped, Youngjae was cast as well. 

_Club singer - Choi Youngjae_

“Jeongyeon said my singing voice was too good to waste, so she decided not to cast me as a tree.” He explained, trying to act disappointed, when Jinyoung knew he felt humbled by the compliment. 

They both quickly made their way out of the crowd, ignoring the whispers around them that wondered how the arrogant biology genius, Park Jinyoung, managed to land the lead role in the school play. To be honest, Jinyoung himself wasn’t completely sure how things happened, but he wasn’t going to let himself be distracted from the fact that he was getting the opportunity to explore acting as an option. The real challenge would be juggling his new hobby without getting his parents involved. 

“Are you happy?” Youngjae asked once they’d walked far enough away from the crowd. 

Jinyoung thought for a moment, before smiling brightly and answering with the feeling of certainty he’d always craved, but never had.

“Yes.”


	10. 5

2019

“So let me get this straight, you’re going on a _date_?” Mark asked disbelievingly as Youngjae tried to comb his long, black hair to something somewhat manageable. “After all the shit that went down here last night?”

Youngjae sighed. “It’s not a date.” He corrected, trying to avoid his best friend’s judging gaze.

“You’re getting ready like it’s a date.” He challenged, a small smirk on his lips.

“I’m just trying to look presentable!”

“You mean, not look like you’d stayed up the whole night thinking about your precious _Jinyoung_?” 

Youngjae groaned and threw his hairbrush at Mark, the older male ducking just at the right time to avoid getting hit. “Why did I take you on this trip?”

Mark shrugged. “You wouldn’t have survived Yugyeom without me.” 

“Like you’re any better,” Youngjae mumbled. Mark seemed to hear his comment and walked over to where Youngjae stood in their room, bringing his fist up to his hair to mess it up again. “Hey! Don’t mess up my hair!”

“I’m doing you a favor!” Mark shouted, continuing to mess up his dark hair without mercy. “Your hair looks better with a hint of bedhead.”

Youngjae finally managed to push the older male off of him and looked in the mirror. Mark had messed it up, but not as bad as Youngjae imagined. In a way, it looked like mess with a purpose. An intentional mess. As much as he wanted to comb everything down once again, Youngjae had to admit that Mark was right—it did look better. 

“See? What’d I tell you?” Mark asked when he noticed Youngjae admiring his messy hair. “There’s a reason why I’m your manager.”

Youngjae scoffed. He wasn’t going to let Mark get _all_ the satisfaction.

“Yeah, I was a gullible twenty-year-old, and you were desperate for a job.” He reminded, prompting Mark to throw the hairbrush back at him. 

“So, this date—”

“Not a date, Mark.”

“What do you mean it’s not a date? He’s picking you up in his fancy car, you’re going off to some fancy location all by yourselves—”

“Uh, _no_. Jinyoung just wants me to help him study his lines, like the old days. He’d pick me up too when we were in high school, except back then neither of us could afford a car so we just walked everywhere.” He explained, suddenly finding himself smiling at the memory.

“Kind of a crazy coincidence that you _both_ ended up on that variety show, huh?” Mark asked, his voice teetering on suspicion. Youngjae gulped and avoided eye contact. Mark was sharp and could figure things out easily—but Youngjae couldn’t just straight-up admit that he’d practically manipulated his manager into getting him on that show. By admitting to that, he’d have to admit all the times he’d used his “innocence” for his own gain, and he wasn’t necessarily ready to give that up.

“I—” Before Youngjae could even think of an end to his sentence, his phone rang in his pocket. Pulling it out, he saw it was Jinyoung calling him. _Saved by the bell_. He pressed the green button to answer the call and brought it to his ear. “Hello?”

“Hey, I’m outside. Should I come in?” 

“No!” Youngjae practically shouted, stopping himself when he realized Mark was laughing. “I’ll be outside in a second.”

“Okay, take your time.” Jinyoung responded, but Youngjae knew what he really meant was, _I’m not waiting here all day_. He hung up the call and placed his phone in his pocket, glaring at his manager, who was curled up on the mattress laughing.

“Are you trying to hide him from me or something?” Mark taunted, finally calming down.

“More like the other way around,” Youngjae explained as he tied his shoelaces. “Trust me, you wouldn’t be able to handle Park Jinyoung.”

Mark raised his eyebrow. “And _you_ can?”

He pulled the laces for the very last time before finally standing up. Youngjae took in Mark’s question and let out a small laugh. “We’ll see.”

With that, Youngjae walked out of his room and out the door, where he saw Jinyoung waiting in the same fancy car he had driven the night before. The actor was standing outside the vehicle, with his back against the car and his arms crossed like he was in the middle of some stupid commercial. It was a definite cheesy movie moment, but Youngjae still felt his heart beat out of his chest. He wasn’t above Jinyoung’s charms at all.

“Hey!” Youngjae greeted once he came close enough to the car, meeting Jinyoung’s friendly smile. 

“Finally!” Jinyoung exclaimed, laughing as he did so. Youngjae rolled his eyes and lightly hit his arm before making his way into the car. Jinyoung didn’t even bother trying to open the passenger door for him and that was how he liked it—there was going to be absolutely _no_ romance that day. It wasn’t a date. It was just two old friends catching up. Having that at the back of his mind made him feel slightly more confident that he could handle this. 

The car was still running, so once the both of them were strapped in, Jinyoung quickly drove off, not even sparing any time to reveal their destination to Youngjae. Glancing at the backseat, he saw a thick stack of white papers—the script, he presumed. Besides their stint together in high school, Youngjae never attempted to dive into the acting world at all. He’d liked acting when it was with Jinyoung, but not when he was alone. Youngjae was always different from Jinyoung in that sense—he was confident in what he liked and what he was good at, there was never any need for hesitation or second guessing. From the moment he performed for the first time, Youngjae had full confidence that this was the one thing he wanted to do for the rest of his life. 

“So, what’s the role?” Youngjae asked, trying to break the ice.

“It’s for this movie that I’m supposed to start shooting in a couple of weeks. It’s a romantic comedy.” Jinyoung explained, but Youngjae noticed how his expression seemed to drop slightly at the latter half of his answer.

“You don’t seem too happy about that.” He commented, cocking his head to the side. He watched as Jinyoung quickly straightened up and fixed his expression—to hide that he’d ever been dissatisfied at all. 

“No, no I am! I’m so happy that I get to do something I really love and that I still have enough value to keep landing me roles.”

“But?” 

Jinyoung winced and took a deep breath, like his next words were going to be painful to say. “ _But_ , I guess sometimes I get a bit tired of playing the sweet, perfect first love. I don’t know. I’ve just...never been that guy.” He explained softly, his face seemingly hiding behind the shame of his dissatisfaction. 

Youngjae understood what he meant. He’d spent a good portion of the night watching episodes from different parts of Jinyoung’s career, and noticed that he had begun getting typecasted. It was especially notable when Youngjae remembered that Jinyoung’s own personality was completely different from the roles he took on. Jinyoung was most definitely _his_ first love, but he was never sweet or even _close_ to perfect. He was manipulative, whiny, clueless, and _incredibly_ thick-skulled, but that was what made him so lovable. Even with his negative traits on display, Jinyoung was so unbelievably charming. 

“Didn’t your character turn out to be the villain in your drama right now?” Youngjae asked, remembering the plot point that set his whole family on fire.

Jinyoung sighed and shook his head. “No, he’s only pretending to be the bad guy so the girl would leave for her own good.”

“Oh.”

“I know, a little too noble for Park Jinyoung, isn’t it?” 

Youngjae laughed. “ _Way_ too noble.” 

“I wanna hear more about you though,” Jinyoung started, before things became silent again. Youngjae lifted his head out of surprised and looked at him confusedly. “I wanna hear everything about you.” 

“Everything?”

“ _Everything_ , from 2009 to 2019. Give me _everything_.” There was a wide smile on Jinyoung’s face that Youngjae couldn’t identify. It was earnest and genuine, but with a form of joy that he wasn’t used to seeing—at least not on Jinyoung’s face.

“Well,” Youngjae began, overwhelmed by the thought of recapping ten years of his life. “So, obviously you know I was on that singing competition show.”

“Yeah, that fucker Jaebum exposed my obsession with voting for you on that show,” Jinyoung joked, but Youngjae knew he was secretly serious. There was something different about this person beside him—the Jinyoung he’d known was always so controlled, so set on never revealing too much of his true feelings to anyone. Yet here he was, openly admitting something that his eighteen-year-old self would’ve hidden with the might of a thousand suns. “But, I mean, after you won, things kind of seemed to fall into place for you, right? At least, that’s how it looked to me. You had that big hit, _Rewind_ , and the album, and the awards…”

Youngjae shook his head. “The first two years after I got out of that show were some of the hardest of my life. There was so much pressure and so much doubt—I mean, so many of these competition winners fade into obscurity pretty quickly, and I didn’t want that to happen to me. I never stopped working, and released music whenever I could. I was lucky that _Rewind_ got the recognition it did, because I honestly don’t know what I would’ve done. My whole life, all I wanted was to do music, and in those two years, I think I fully realized how much of a double-edged sword that was.”

Jinyoung exhaled and let out a chuckle of disbelief, taken aback by Youngjae’s story. For a second, Youngjae regretted saying the things that he did and wished he had just given something shorter and sweeter—but after thinking it through, he changed his mind. He refused to regret his struggles and the experiences that made him who he was. With that mindset, he couldn’t even regret the Incident. It was all part of what needed to happen.

“You’re different.” Jinyoung finally said, a smile across his lips. 

“Different how?”

“You never used to talk about your insecurities with me. At least not this easily.” 

Youngjae raised his eyebrow and smirked. “Excuse me, I think _you_ were the emotionally closed off one between the two of us.”

“Yeah, that’s what it looked like, didn’t it? But you only ever showed me the good, I always had to dig to find anything else.” Jinyoung explained, his smile slowly fading. Youngjae took in what his old friend had said and proceeded to look out the window. He wasn’t used to being analyzed or played with this way—and he didn’t like that Jinyoung noticed the way he hid himself, even when they were teenagers. He’d gotten better at opening himself up over the years, but the realization that he hadn’t even fooled _Jinyoung_ , made him close back up again. Youngjae didn’t want to deal with his regrets out loud anymore. He was comfortable hiding behind his sunshine smile and megaphone laugh. 

“Well, your rejection broke me in ways that therapy could never heal.” Youngjae joked, trying to divert the attention elsewhere. Jinyoung glanced at him for a moment, as if he knew what Youngjae was doing, but said nothing to indicate that he actually did. Youngjae was grateful for that.

“Come on, I didn’t reject you!” Jinyoung defended, breaking out in laughter as made a turn. 

“Yes, you did. I was _clearly_ asking you out!” 

Jinyoung’s jaw dropped dramatically. “No you weren’t! You were asking me as a _friend_ —I distinctly remember that because you kept emphasizing to me that we were going out as _friends_.”

“And you _still_ rejected me! Dude, you were supposed to be my best friend.”

“Forgive me, I was a little emotionally constipated as a teenager.” 

“And then,” Youngjae continued, not finished with his mission to torture Jinyoung. “You had the nerve to be completely jealous of your _current_ best friend! You even tried to get me away from him!” 

Jinyoung lifted his arm closest to Youngjae from the steering wheel and hit him repeatedly on the chest. “Jaebum was a dick back then!” Jinyoung tried to explain, as Youngjae nodded with an unconvinced smile. “You know, sometimes I think you did that to make me jealous or something.”

To this, Youngjae could only chuckle. He looked out the window again and stayed silent until he decided to give a response. “I did a lot of things to make you jealous, Park Jinyoung.”

From the reflection on the glass window, he could see Jinyoung do a double take and stare straight ahead with the most surprised expression he had ever seen on the actor’s face. Youngjae knew his job was done. 

The rest of the car ride was spent in silence, with Youngjae resting in his personal satisfaction and Jinyoung trying to process the meaning of the things Youngjae said. After some time, they finally arrived at their destination—a small store with small tables and few guests. Getting out of the car, Youngjae wasn’t aware of where they were until he spotted the freezers containing tubs of ice cream. It was then he realized that Jinyoung had taken them to the ice cream place they used to study and have tutoring sessions in. The tiny store hadn’t changed much, if anything it looked completely preserved, like an artifact in the museum of Youngjae’s past. 

“Remember this place?” Jinyoung asked as he grabbed the script from the backseat. 

“Yeah…wow, I didn’t think it’d look... _exactly_ the same.” He answered, staring in disbelief at the store. 

“I know. I haven’t exactly been back since…” Jinyoung trailed off, and Youngjae knew exactly what he was thinking. Suddenly the air between them was thicker. “Well, you know. But I drive by it sometimes.”

“For old times’ sake, huh?” Youngjae asked, trying to somewhat diffuse the growing tension.

Jinyoung smiled warmly. “Yeah, for old times’ sake.”

+++

“This is all because of you.”

“What do you mean it’s all because of me?”

“I don’t know what my feelings are anymore. I blame you.”

“But...but I love you.”

“Why do you love me? Why can’t you just—”

“Excuse me, can I have a picture with both of you?” A teenaged girl asked quietly, interrupting the exchange of script dialogue between Youngjae and Jinyoung. The two celebrities lifted their heads and smiled politely at the girl, allowing her to pull out her phone and take a quick selfie of her in between the two of them. Once the picture was taken, she stared at it on her phone and squealed. “Thank you, thank you so much!”

Once she had run off and was completely out of sight, Youngjae smirked and lightly kicked his friend’s foot, making him groan in pain. “Have you been keeping count?” He challenged, knowing all too well how much Jinyoung must’ve enjoyed the attention.

Jinyoung tried to hide behind his fake pain, but eventually a small smile surfaced across his face. “She was the fifth.” He answered, prompting Youngjae to laugh.

“God, this is so fucking weird!” Youngjae exclaimed, mindlessly flipping through the pages of the script. “I mean, the last time we were here nobody gave a shit about us. We were studying your lines for the _school_ _play_ and no one even looked in our direction! Now, we’re studying your lines for a huge _movie_ and people keep coming to us for pictures? How the hell did this even happen?”

Jinyoung chuckled and shrugged, still keeping his eyes on the script. “Honestly, we should’ve seen it coming.”

Youngjae raised his eyebrow, surprised at his comment. “Should we have?”

“I mean, you were so _obviously_ going to make it big, you’ve always been the most talented singer out there—there was no way you’d end up with some mundane job,” Jinyoung explained. A small smile slowly crept to his lips. “And as for me? I mean, did you really think that after the _spectacular_ job I did at the play, I’d be anything short of a big star?”

Youngjae’s jaw dropped in disbelief as he threw a pen at Jinyoung. “You’re such a dick.”

“I’m just telling the truth!” Jinyoung defended, throwing his arms in the air. They both broke out in laughter almost immediately, hitting the table with their fists until it was shaking. Once the laughter died down, Jinyoung rested his chin on his hand and stared at Youngjae in a way that made his soul burn. The look he was giving was so penetrating, so completely honest. There weren’t many stares like that in the industry he worked in. “Do you want to go for a walk?”

Youngjae was taken aback by the sudden request, his mind questioning the actor’s reasoning for the activity. But without thinking more of what he wanted to do, Youngjae simply answered, “Yes.”

They packed up their things and stored them in Jinyoung’s car. Youngjae wasn’t sure where they were going to go, but he didn’t think about that very much. Instead, his thoughts were focused on how they were just going to be in each other’s company—without any frills or excuses, like Jinyoung’s movie. It had been a while since they’d been left alone like this. The last time was the night of the Incident. There were parts of that night that Youngjae wanted to forget, and parts that he wanted to burn into his mind forever. The reminder made him shiver. 

Youngjae walked without much thought as to where they were going. He let Jinyoung lead, and his legs automatically went on autopilot. He wasn’t exactly sure if Jinyoung knew where they were going either, but walking together side by side made him feel extremely nostalgic. Once again, they were eighteen, and the only thing that worried Youngjae was figuring out how he was going to get Jinyoung to like him back. They were definitely much simpler times.

But as he thought about it more, he realized that maybe they weren’t as simple for Jinyoung. At eighteen, he was still working under the false dream that his parents had forced into him, and acting was just a secret dream that he never thought he could achieve. He forgot how much pressure was placed on Jinyoung—it was to the point where he even sought out Youngjae and demanded to purchase Adderall to keep him awake. That was the old Jinyoung, though. The one who couldn’t stand up for what he wanted. The Jinyoung he left behind.

“Can I ask you something?” Youngjae asked, feeling himself become consumed with fear. Jinyoung responded to him with a smile and a nod, which only made him feel even more nervous. “But, you don’t have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable. I’ve just...been wondering.” 

Jinyoung chuckled, not taking his worries seriously. “What is it?”

“What happened...with your parents?” At the exact moment Youngjae mentioned his parents, Jinyoung’s smile completely disappeared, a frown had taken its place. Youngjae thought of ways to retract his statement—the last time he mentioned Jinyoung’s parents, the actor left with a flurry of snide comments. He couldn’t let Jinyoung leave again. “Shit, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked, I—”

“No, it’s okay,” Jinyoung interrupted, finally making eye contact with Youngjae. He expected his friend to ignore the question and move on, but instead he smiled and lightly shrugged. “We don’t talk.” 

Youngjae’s eyes widened at the statement. He knew how controlling Jinyoung’s parents were, but as someone who had lost his own parents, he didn’t think anyone deserved to lose support from their family. 

“At all?”

Jinyoung nodded. “At all.”

Youngjae felt a mix of emotions, ranging from disbelief to anger. But most of all, he felt sad. He felt sad that Jinyoung couldn’t receive a blessing from the two people he strived to impress the most.

“I’m so sorry, Jinyoung.” Youngjae whispered, slowing down his steps until they were almost stopping. 

“It’s been years, I’ve gotten through it,” Jinyoung answered, forcing a tiny smile. Youngjae knew he was trying to seem fine, but he wasn’t at all. He took Jinyoung’s hand and squeezed it tight, the way they always did when something was wrong. “They really didn’t appreciate me choosing to be a trainee over university.”

“What about your sisters? Do you still talk to them?” To this question, Jinyoung laughed.

“I wouldn’t be able to get rid of them even if I tried.” His response was light and cheerful. It made Youngjae feel a little more settled. 

“Do you wish things turned out differently?” 

Jinyoung took a deep breath and shrugged. “I don’t know. They weren’t the best parents but, I’d love to not have to awkwardly avoid them at family events, you know? Whenever I see them, I'm always so unprepared for their disgusted looks and the mean things they whisper to my relatives. I’d rather read all my hate comments than face them alone.”

“That sounds so awful, I’m really sorry.” 

Jinyoung brushed off his apology and shook his head. “Don’t be. It doesn’t happen very often.”

They both smiled at each other as their legs stopped the walk. Youngjae felt like the bond of trust between them was being built all over again, as Jinyoung easily opened up to him about his struggles with his parents. Youngjae remembered Jinyoung’s parents well—they didn’t like him (they didn’t like anyone who took Jinyoung’s attention away from his textbooks), but they also never knew the full extent of his relationship with Jinyoung. Whenever Jinyoung came home from Youngjae’s house with bloodshot eyes, they’d always assumed he just hadn’t gotten enough sleep. 

“So, _Ars_.” Jinyoung began, teasingly calling him by his stage name.

“Please don’t call me that.” Youngjae buried his face in his hands, completely embarrassed. 

“I’ll call you whatever I want to call you.”

Youngjae rolled his eyes. “Asshole.”

“Anyway, _Ars_ ,” He emphasized Youngjae’s stage name like it was a foreign word. “How many of your songs are about me?”

Youngjae raised his eyebrow and lightly elbowed Jinyoung in the stomach. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“I would, actually.” He challenged, smirking. 

“What if I say zero?”

“Then I’d know you were lying, because _Hesitate_ is about me.”

Youngjae couldn’t help but laugh this time, rolling his eyes at his friend’s responses. “Do you ever stop being so arrogant?” 

“Do _you_ ever stop being so mysterious?” _Touché_. Youngjae chuckled at their banter and ran his fingers through his hair. He noticed his old friend had become entranced by the sight and bit back a laugh. Tension had always been present in their relationship. It was only a matter of identifying what _type_ of tension it was. 

Suddenly, Youngjae had an idea to help release all that tension.

“How about we race for it?” He suggested, mischief twinkling in his eyes. Jinyoung bit his lip, obviously intrigued.

“Race for it? And what do you propose I get when I win?”

“You get to know how many songs are about you, and which ones they are.” 

Jinyoung crossed his arms and walked closer to Youngjae, seemingly intending to intimidate him into giving up. “And where’s the finish line?”

“ _Hmmmm_ ,” Youngjae hummed, glancing at the sky as if he was pretending to think. “First left turn.”

Jinyoung smiled mischievously and nodded. “Okay, you’re on!” He shouted, before immediately sprinting off down the street without even waiting for Youngjae.

“Hey!” Youngjae shouted, finally dragging his feet to try and catch up with his friend. “I didn’t say we could start yet!”

“Tough luck!”

“You suck!”

He picked up his feet even more and increased the speed of his running, finally managing to catch up with Jinyoung. They were running right next to each other now, almost at the exact same speed. He laughed when he caught a glimpse of the incredibly competitive expression on Jinyoung’s face, and it only served to motivate him even more. Youngjae was competitive, but there was something about getting Jinyoung all riled up that made things ten times better. 

Youngjae kept running until he managed to pass Jinyoung and threw his hands in the air, overjoyed with his achievement. He could see the nearby left turn come up and felt himself smile widely. He prepared himself to increase his speed to reach the finish line before Jinyoung could, but something at the corner of his eye stopped him completely and made his heart stop.

It was a familiar big building, hidden behind a tall black fence. Youngjae didn’t need to look twice to know what it was. It was his old high school. Youngjae had run straight back to the one place that haunted his dreams for a decade. 

In an instant, flashes of what happened that night and everything that followed took over his mind. It felt like he had been thrown in a spinning ride and forced to find his way back home. He felt his knees his the concrete ground as his mind kept replaying everything that happened. He could hear everything so clearly, see every detail as if it was happening right in front of him. It was all too much for him to handle. He couldn’t understand it all. He’d tried so hard to forget, to move on. He felt the panic seep in through his skin and blur his vision. He didn’t even realize that Jinyoung had been calling his name and shaking his shoulders. 

Youngjae was full of regret and the only thing he could say was “I’m sorry.” over and over, without even listening to Jinyoung’s worried responses. He remembered the fearful expression on Jinyoung’s face as he reluctantly ran away—the last time Youngjae saw him as teenagers. Whenever he remembered how scared Jinyoung must’ve been, it always made him break down. 

“Youngjae? Youngjae? Are you here?” Jinyoung held Youngjae’s face in his hands and ran his palm through Youngjae’s hair, caressing him in a way that managed to bring him back, for just a second. His vision began to clear up and all he could see now was Jinyoung’s worried face and several bystanders crowded around the both of them. The sight of all those faces staring at him only made Youngjae panic even more. 

He gripped the first thing he could hold—Jinyoung’s wrists—and pulled him closer. “Please...I need to get out of here.” He whispered, before Jinyoung quickly pulled him off the ground and placed Youngjae’s arm around his shoulder, practically dragging his weak body back to the car. 

Once Youngjae was finally strapped into the passenger seat and Jinyoung had his hands on the steering wheel again, he kept quiet, deeply ashamed over his show of vulnerability. Jinyoung didn’t seem to know what to say either, keeping himself focused on driving Youngjae home. When they reached his house, Youngjae quietly thanked him before stepping out of the car. He walked towards the door without even sneaking a glance back at him, desperately wondering if he’d been ready to face Jinyoung at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you everyone for reading! we kind of learned a few more things about what happened in this chapter but...we'll have to wait and see sdjfksdjf ANYWAY YES THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR LOVE PLEASE FEEL FREE TO BOOKMARK, KUDOS, COMMENT, ANYTHING YOU WANT. i love u all for starving in this neglected ship with me. if you wanna come talk i'm on twitter @KlNGARS (the l is a lowercase L) but yes you are amazing and i love you *chefs kiss*
> 
> \- Bea


	11. -6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi........i know. i know. it's been....a million years. i know i promised "regular updates"....but like the disappointing little shit i am, i disappeared for a whole month. i'm sorry, you all deserve better :( i hope you haven't abandoned me just yet. the semester started up a few weeks ago and a bunch has happened in my life so i've been crazy swamped and haven't gotten around to updating, which is why this week will only have one chapter. I KNOW....I'M AWFUL BUT I PROMISE TO TRY AND BE MORE REGULAR THIS TIME. okay. so without further adoooooo here ya go

2009

Jinyoung and Youngjae lied down together on Youngjae’s bed, with Jinyoung’s legs resting on the headboard and Youngjae’s on the table by the bottom side of the bed. Their heads shared one pillow, lying side by side as one boy worked hard to memorize lines in a thick book, and one boy was deep asleep, silently snoring. Youngjae was supposed to help him run lines, but he’d fallen asleep after only ten minutes. Jinyoung had expected it—his best friend could fall asleep almost _anywhere_ , especially when he was bored. This allowed him some peace and quiet to focus on memorizing his lines. Being the male lead was fun and incredibly liberating, but it came with a lot of responsibility and pressure to do the best that he could. He was performing opposite Nayeon—someone who’d been acting since she was in diapers. That alone was enough to make him feel like he was _way_ out of his league. 

“I understand you like coffee, but I _don’t_ , and...” Jinyoung trailed off before squeezing his eyes hard, trying to remember the next words. He had settled the script far away, as a way to fully test himself, but now he was beginning to regret it. “And…”

“And maybe you’re just going to have to deal with that.” Youngjae finished, mumbling the second part of his line with his eyes still closed.

Jinyoung turned his head to the right, until he was facing Youngjae’s ear. “Thought you were asleep.”

Youngjae kept his eyes closed, but he chuckled and shrugged. “Yeah, and I thought you were smart, but you’ve been stuck at this scene for an hour now, and I’m getting pretty sick of it.”

“Maybe if you helped me, like you _promised_ …”

“Honestly, what good would that do?” Youngjae asked. He let out a small yawn before turning his entire body to the side, facing Jinyoung completely. Now they were fully face-to-face. There was barely any distance between them and Jinyoung started feeling those intense heartbeats again—the ones that were so loud they rang in his ears. 

Jinyoung began staring at the boy beside him, not necessarily realizing what he was doing. He paid attention to every crease and every little pore on Youngjae’s smooth face, somehow feeling his heart skip whenever he took notice of the tiny mole under his eye. He thanked whoever was in charge of the universe that Youngjae’s eyes remained closed—he couldn’t even begin to imagine how awkward things would be if Youngjae caught him staring. He wouldn’t even know what to say. Because, truthfully, what was he doing?

He didn’t know the answer to that question. He had more things to ask himself. Why did he care so much about Youngjae and how pretty he looked when he was asleep? Was it normal to appreciate a friend’s features in this way? Was it normal to think about his friend before he went to bed? Jinyoung didn’t have many experiences to compare to. As far as friendships went, this was the farthest he’d ever gotten. 

In a move that both startled and relieved him, Youngjae suddenly sat up, opening his eyes. At first, Jinyoung thought something must’ve happened to shock him, but the boy suddenly started giggling and rubbing his face with his hands. Something was funny that he wasn’t aware of, and he wanted to know what it was.

“Why are you laughing?” Jinyoung asked before sitting up as well.

“Did I tell you I almost got caught by Mr. Lee the other day?” Youngjae asked, continuing to laugh. Jinyoung widened his eyes.

“What?” He shouted, feeling his heart stop. “What the fuck do you mean you were almost _caught_?”

Youngjae took a deep breath to stop his laughter and leaned his back on the wall. “This stupid kid I used to sell shit to got pissed because I cut him off, so he threatened to tell on me and get me in trouble.” He explained calmly, rolling his eyes. Jinyoung was still in shock at the news being relayed, but mostly by how his friend didn’t seem too worried about the situation. 

“Why the fuck did you cut him off?” He yelled. 

“He was on his way to being an addict, and I don’t want that crap on my conscience, Jinyoung!” Youngjae tried to defend, raising his voice as well. 

“Well you should’ve thought of that before you started selling drugs to impressionable teenagers!” He shouted back. Youngjae dropped his jaw in disbelief and threw his hands in the air. “Okay, okay, tell me what happened and we’ll try to fix it.”

Youngjae crossed his arms and looked away, seemingly upset. “No need. Jaebum fixed it for me.”

Like the flip of a switch, Jinyoung’s blood immediately began to boil at the mention of the name. “What’d he do? Whore himself out to this junkie so he’d leave you alone?” He asked, completely bitter.

Youngjae raised his eyebrow. “I really don’t know where you got the idea that Jaebum is a whore, but that was very unnecessarily mean, and you know I don’t appreciate that.” Youngjae reminded. They had a talk some time before about Jinyoung’s tendency to speak cruelly (particularly about Jaebum) and Jinyoung remembered his agreement to tone himself down for the sake of his best friend’s sanity. Sometimes he was glad that he had Youngjae around to keep him in check. 

“Fine, I’m sorry,” He apologized reluctantly. Youngjae’s smile returned and things were calm again. “But seriously, what happened?”

“So, I was in the middle of a deal with that Hyungwon dude, and we were...you know, _testing_ the product.”

“You gotta be fucking kidding me.” Jinyoung mumbled, rolling his eyes.

“So we were smoking and all that, and suddenly Mr. Lee was trying to break the shed door open! Naturally, Hyungwon and I freaked out because that door could open any freakin’ second—”

“Please tell me you locked it.”

“Of course I locked it! But you know the lock to that door is old and messed up, it really doesn’t take much for it to open even when it’s locked,” Youngjae explained. “Anyway, it didn’t help that we were high as fuck, but we managed to pry the window open and I took my stash and we dipped.”

Jinyoung’s jaw dropped at the story, but he couldn’t deny the relief that took over him. “Do you know what could’ve happened if you got caught?” He shouted. Unfortunately, the only way he could express his relief was through anger.

“I know, I know, it’d be bad news.” Youngjae brushed off. 

“No, you could get fucking arrested. Worse, you could get expelled!” He tried to explain, not even pausing to note his seemingly jumbled priorities

“Jesus, okay _Hermione_. Calm down. I know what the stakes are.” Jinyoung’s blood continued to boil. He couldn’t believe Youngjae wasn’t taking this seriously.

“Why the fuck are you so calm?” He yelled, pushing his chest.

Youngjae groaned. “I told you, Jaebum fixed it for me.”

 _Again with Jaebum._ “What’d he do?”

“Well, he’s got some scary cousins and they gave the snitch a _kind_ warning to back the fuck off.” Youngjae explained, looking proud and content.

Jinyoung’s jaw dropped for what felt like the millionth time in the conversation. “You’re hanging out with _thugs_ now? Thugs! That’s worse! You’re not going to—”

“Park Jinyoung,” Youngjae interrupted, calling his name softly. His expression was serious now, almost fed-up even, and Jinyoung knew he’d said the wrong things. He gulped. “For once, will you please trust me when I say I have things under control? I know I’m not as smart as you, but I’ve got this covered. So _please_ , stop lecturing me.” 

For most of their friendship, Jinyoung had assumed the position of the caretaker—the more knowledgeable one, the one who took care of things—this position required him to have absolutely no trust in the abilities of his only friend. Sure, Youngjae had his share of stupid mistakes, and obviously to Jinyoung, that meant that he had to be carefully monitored and watched. What he managed to forget was that Youngjae had lived seventeen years without ever interacting with Jinyoung, and he seemed to be doing just fine when they met. Youngjae was not five years old. He was deserving of trust and space. Jinyoung was willing to take the leap to give it to him.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized, counting in his head the number of mistakes he’d made with Youngjae in this single conversation alone. 

Youngjae raised his hand and lightly pushed Jinyoung’s head. “Thanks, dweeb,” He said this with a hint of laughter, and Jinyoung felt relieved that their dynamic wasn’t changed. “So do you know your next line or what?”

“Of course I do!” 

“Okay, what is it then?” Youngjae challenged, raising his eyebrows playfully.

“It’s…” Jinyoung hesitated, furrowing his eyebrows as he tried to remember the lines he tried so hard to memorize. “Uh...it’s…”

Youngjae let out a dramatic sigh before placing his hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder. “I think Jeongyeon made a grave mistake in casting you.”

Jinyoung groaned and immediately threw his entire weight on top of Youngjae, attacking his best friend with light slaps and aggressive tickles until he finally relented and curled into a fetal position. There was a warm feeling that washed over him as he listened to his best friend’s honey-like laughter and the wide smile that occupied his face. It was in how his eyes turned into crescent moons, in how his hair fell around his face, and in how he managed to gain Jinyoung’s full trust that made the socially-inexperienced boy realize just how deep his feelings for Youngjae ran. For the first time in his life, Jinyoung allowed himself to admit that there was a chance he was a little bit in love with Youngjae.

Just a little bit.

+++

“I love you.” Jinyoung declared.

He was reciting lines to Nayeon, but he couldn’t take his eyes off of the boy sitting on the third row of the seats facing the stage. He had his head leaned backwards on the chair, staring blankly at the ceiling with his feet propped up on the seat in front of him. Jinyoung felt a hint of disappointment at the realization that Youngjae wasn’t paying attention to him—wasn’t even looking at his direction. But he figured that was probably for the best. He was barely concentrating now, who knew how distracted he would be if Youngjae was _actually_ watching him?

“You’re stupid.” Nayeon recited back, adding a giggle to the lighthearted tone of the scene. Jinyoung rolled his eyes the way he rehearsed and crossed his arms.

“So are you.” 

“That’s why you love me, isn’t it?” 

It was a sickly sweet scene—much too romantic and full of love for Jinyoung to feel comfortable in, but for some reason, he felt more connected to the intended emotions than usual. He knew it was all Youngjae. All because of that stupid, smiley, tattooed, singing mess. 

His sister said he was on the right track. He had no one to turn to so he’d told his sister about how he felt. She said the fact that he even acknowledged his feelings was an accomplishment in itself. _He’s obviously in love with you too_ , his sister would say, to which Jinyoung would only respond with a half-hidden smile and a quiet uttering of _shut up_. 

But Jinyoung was glad that he had allowed himself to feel what he was feeling. Now he could think about Youngjae regularly without feeling so much anger and doubt—he knew the reason behind everything now, and that made things easier. 

He was so wrapped up in his own thoughts about being in love that he didn’t notice Nayeon pulling him offstage for the next scene to rehearse their parts. Apparently Jeongyeon had called their scene to an end ages ago, and Jinyoung just stayed onstage like an idiot. At least Youngjae was looking at him now. And laughing. Great. 

Jinyoung sighed and scolded himself mentally, frustrated at his ability to fully embarrass himself. He dragged his feet towards the seats, climbing the stairs to reach Youngjae’s row. His best friend was back to leaning his head on the seat, the empty expression returning on his face. When he came closer, Jinyoung finally noticed the wires connected to Youngjae’s ears—he was listening to music on his tiny iPod. That explained the empty expression.

Without thinking much, Jinyoung climbed over to the seat next to him and pulled one of his earbuds, placing it in his own ear to listen to whatever song was keeping Youngjae in such an intense trance. Youngjae jumped at the sudden pull and opened his mouth as if he wanted to stop him, but Jinyoung kept it in his ear anyway. He didn’t know what he expected, but what came out of the buds surprised him like nothing else. 

The song playing consisted of an acoustic guitar and Youngjae’s strong voice amplified through a microphone. The melody itself sounded beautiful, but it was the lyrics that came with them that made his heart stop.

_This time waiting for you,_

_I wonder if I can go a bit closer to you now._

As he continued listening to the lyrics, Jinyoung could feel bits and pieces of his heart shatter. It was an original song that Youngjae wrote, no doubt. Jinyoung understood the lyrics well—it was something he was going through himself. It was about being in love and not knowing how to continue. 

Which led Jinyoung to only one conclusion: Youngjae was in love with someone. 

In an instant, Jinyoung’s heart fell. The realization hit that it would never be him. Youngjae could never be in love with such a tightly-wound, explosive mess. It had to be someone else. Jinyoung had someone in mind, but he couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge it. Another loss for the chalkboard.

“I’m not feeling well.” Jinyoung mumbled, quickly pulling the earbud out of his ear. He couldn’t listen to more of Youngjae’s personal love song. 

“Jinyoung?” His best friend called out worriedly, and placed his hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder. Almost instinctively, he pulled away.

“I’m going to run lines with Nayeon,” He said abruptly and stood up. “See you later.” 

Without looking back, Jinyoung quickly made his way out of the seats and ran all the way backstage. He found his backpack near the dressing room and sat on the ground, not knowing what else to do besides press his backpack close to his chest. It became harder to breathe, and no breathing exercises could help him feel back to normal. All he could do was squeeze his bag and wait for it all to go away on its own. 

What was he thinking? There was no chance in hell anyone could be in love with him. Especially if they had a handsome idol trainee right at their fingertips. This was all his fault. He allowed himself to let his guard down and depend on someone else for his personal happiness. All he wanted was to not feel anything. He wanted to go back to normal. But nothing seemed to be working. 

He was so stupid. He couldn’t believe how stupid he was being. Nothing was going according to plan for his final year of high school. He’d allowed himself to diverge so extremely from his set structures, and all it did was get him hurt. 

_Why did you do this to yourself?_

_You wanted to know what it felt like to need and be needed._

+++

Jinyoung hadn’t been to Youngjae’s house in four days. In the realm of their friendship, that might as well have been four years. Jinyoung knew how clear it must’ve been that he was completely avoiding Youngjae. It was too much of a risk. He’d allowed himself to be in love with Youngjae for an entire week, only to have his heart shot down by the realization that Youngjae was in love with someone else. Spending all that time at Youngjae’s house would’ve just made him feel a trillion times worse. 

Youngjae realized what was going on by the second day. He blew up Jinyoung’s phone and email with messages asking him if he wanted to come over to practice for the play. By day three, Youngjae had become desperate. Jinyoung’s phone blew up with texts and his email was filled with messages from Youngjae apologizing for something he wasn’t even aware he’d done. Jinyoung eventually turned his phone and computer off. 

It was day four now, and Jinyoung had managed to convince himself that avoiding Youngjae was the best solution available to him. His feelings weren’t completely gone, but his chest didn’t ache as much anymore, and he could finally read books without hearing them in Youngjae’s voice. Things seemed like they were finally fading away.

At least that was what he thought. 

Day four consisted of rain and gloomy skies. Jinyoung deemed it the perfect weather to curl up in his bed and reread his favorite book. He was halfway through the fourth chapter when he heard aggressive tapping coming from his window. He jumped at the sudden sound and instinctively threw his book off the bed.

“Jinyoung!” A voice called out. When Jinyoung finally looked up, he saw Youngjae perched right in front of the window, soaking wet under the pouring rain. Jinyoung felt his jaw drop at the sight. He couldn’t believe this was happening. “Jinyoung! I’m sorry!”

He rushed over to the window and quickly unlocked it, letting in some of the rain into his room. He took Youngjae’s hands and pulled him inside, until they were both just standing in the middle of his room.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Jinyoung, I’m so sorry.” Youngjae mumbled, quivering through his words in a mix of cold and tears. Jinyoung didn’t know what to say. This wasn’t a situation he’d prepared for at all.

“Why are you sorry?” He managed to squeak out.

“I—” Youngjae stopped himself, as if shocked by the question. “I messed up...right?” 

Jinyoung didn’t answer. What could he say?

“You haven’t spoken to me in days. You haven’t hung out with me in forever. You don’t answer my calls, texts, or emails. I...I must’ve messed up right?” Youngjae was pleading now. Jinyoung could see his eyes begin to water and he felt his heart ache again. “It was the song wasn’t it?”

_Fuck._

“I’m sorry. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I didn’t want to make things weird with us. It was just...it was just something I was messing around with—please don’t get the wrong idea!” Youngjae rapidly explained, leading Jinyoung to cross his arms defensively.

“What idea was I supposed to get?” He asked skeptically, not bothering to think about what his question would lead to.

Youngjae began fiddling with his fingers and looked away, staying silent before quietly mumbling, “That I...wrote that about...someone.” He seemed so shy and adorable that it almost made Jinyoung forget about how awful he’d felt for the past several days.

Why did Youngjae even care if Jinyoung knew that he’d written a song about Im Jaebum? He wasn’t a part of their relationship. Youngjae didn’t outright say that it was about Jaebum _specifically_ , but Jinyoung was smart enough to connect the dots. The situation confused him.

“Why do you think I care?” Jinyoung asked, his tone sounding more vicious than he intended. 

“I...I don’t know...maybe you felt weirded out...or…”

Jinyoung laughed cruelly. “You have some serious issues if you think I care enough to be _weirded out_.” 

Youngjae looked completely taken aback by his statement. There was a hint of hurt in his eyes as he tilted his head to somehow inspect Jinyoung’s expression better. Jinyoung had said meaner things, but he’d just said seemed to hurt Youngjae much more than he expected. It was almost like they were talking about two completely different things. 

Youngjae opened his mouth several times to speak but stopped himself each time. For a while, they both simply stood there, not speaking, but awkwardly basking in the negative energy that existed between them. Jinyoung didn’t like it one bit.

“Well...if you don’t care then...why have you been avoiding me?” Youngjae asked quietly, finally speaking. Jinyoung contemplated telling him the truth—the _real_ truth. The truth that he’d given up his heart to Youngjae like a delicate gift, only for it to shatter on the ground at the realization that Youngjae had offered his own heart to someone else. But that was a ridiculous thought to consider. 

Youngjae could never know.

Jinyoung considered not answering at all, and instead kicking him out to the rain without an explanation, exiting their friendship without a single word. But he couldn’t resist the strange beating of his chest when he thought of everything that had happened that night. Youngjae went out into the pouring rain just to see _him_. _Jinyoung_. He’d pleaded with all that he could to get Jinyoung back into his life—something he didn’t think his friend was capable of doing. Jinyoung knew he had to stop feeling the way he did for Youngjae, but he couldn’t help but enjoy the way his heart fluttered at these impossible moments. He couldn’t resist the thought that he meant something to Youngjae. 

“I haven’t been avoiding you, dummy,” Jinyoung lied. He felt his face soften immediately at the sight of Youngjae’s confused expression, finding the way he furrowed his brows to be a dangerously adorable habit. “My parents made me help out with their research, so I’ve just been really busy.”

Youngjae cocked his head, still confused. “Really?” Jinyoung nodded. “You couldn’t have called me or returned my emails?”

Jinyoung swallowed warily, hating himself for lying. “Sorry. I was really swamped.”

Youngjae narrowed his eyes, and for a moment it felt like he’d caught on to the lie. But he didn’t. “So you weren’t angry at me?”

“I could never.” He responded softly, feeling the corners of his mouth turn in a small smile. This was the most genuine thing he’d said all night. 

Youngjae stayed quiet for what felt like hours to Jinyoung. He began to worry that what he’d said had given away his entire lie. But instead, Youngjae let out a relieved gasp and immediately threw himself onto Jinyoung, wrapping him in a wet embrace.

“Thank god!” He shouted, pulling Jinyoung close and getting him wet. Jinyoung jumped at the wetness and tried to push him away, not wanting to be covered in rain water. “I thought you didn’t want to see me anymore!”

“Get off me!” Jinyoung shouted, still trying to push him away, but Youngjae was surprisingly strong, and kept hugging him tighter and tighter.

“I was so scared!” Youngjae explained, burying his face in Jinyoung’s neck. His statement made Jinyoung’s heart jump just a little bit. 

“You were?” He heard himself ask. 

This time, Youngjae pulled away and gave him an irritated look. He hit Jinyoung’s arm and rolled his eyes. “Of course I was, dipshit! You’re the only person with thoughts that I actually care about.” 

There it was again. The extra jump in his heartbeat.

“Sorry for worrying you.” Jinyoung apologized, trying not to stutter his words. Youngjae simply shrugged and gave him one of his bright smiles.

“It’s okay. I know how your parents can be.” 

“Y-Yeah, I guess.” Lying to Youngjae felt wrong, but it was something he needed to do to protect himself. 

Youngjae looked out the window and smiled when he noticed the lack of rain.

“Hey, it stopped raining!” He declared cheerfully, before going back to Jinyoung. “Wanna order pizza and pass out at my place?”

Jinyoung thought for a moment. He wondered if this was a good idea—if going back to his old routines with Youngjae was what was best for him. The past few days without him didn’t feel that much easier, but he knew it was something he _needed_. He _needed_ to get over Youngjae. He _needed_ to realize that Youngjae was just an extended distraction. He _needed_ to focus on his career again.

But what about what he wanted?

He’d spent his whole life focusing on his needs, but never his wants. Youngjae encouraged him to go after his wants and the result was better than anything he could’ve ever imagined. He knew he needed to be away from Youngjae, but all he wanted was to be near him at all times. 

_Fuck it._

“Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's literally about to be 3 in the morning and i have to be up at 7am but i just needed to post this. i love you guys so much thank you for reading! if you wanna come yell at me for being an irregular bitch come find me on twitter, i'm @KlNGARS (the l is a lowercase L) feel free to comment, kudos, bookmark, anything you want! i love you MUAH


	12. 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi. i know it's been 4 months. i'm sorry. things have been kinda crazy. don't hate me please :( BUT i have kind of a big chapter for you all so please bear with me. don't abandon me ok bye

2019

When Youngjae got home, he couldn’t even manage to let out a single greeting to any of his family members. They were all gathered at the living room, caught in a hilarious conversation, but Youngjae couldn’t bring himself to speak to anyone. Instead, he walked straight into his room, letting his head hit the pillow as fast as he could. His mind was racing with a million different thoughts, shouting like voices in a large crowd. Youngjae just wanted it all to stop.

The day was going so well, too. He felt connected to Jinyoung again. After years of having imaginary conversations with him in his mind, Youngjae finally got to talk to Jinyoung the way he always wanted. It came so easily. There was never a moment of awkwardness or empty silence. They bounced off each other the way they did when they were eighteen—it was so easy, it felt like a trick.

None of that mattered anymore, though. The moment Youngjae laid eyes on the rusting gates of his old high school, it was like the world had closed up around him. Everything felt so twisted. What did the universe gain from making him confront his worst mistake like that? He’d spent years trying to forget. The event itself wasn’t what traumatized him so terribly, it was everything that happened before and after it was over. He’d put so much at risk, lost opportunities and made things so difficult for those he cared about the most. Part of why he went away was because he couldn’t believe he was capable of creating so much damage. 

How was he supposed to face Jinyoung now? The only thing his little episode proved was that he’d barely grown up even after ten years. All the awards, celebrity friends and Malibu beach houses in the world couldn’t change the fact that Youngjae was still that pathetic, underachieving stoner at his core. Was that really how he wanted to come off as to Jinyoung?

_Fuck this_.

Refusing to give another thought, Youngjae rolled over and forced himself to go to sleep.

When Youngjae woke up, it was the middle of the night. Mark was asleep on the mattress beside him, and Youngjae quickly tiptoed out of the room and sat on the sofa outside. He felt considerably better after his nap. The world was calmer and so was he. For a moment, he worried if any news of his small episode made it online, but considering that Mark didn’t wake him up with panic in his eyes, it was safe to assume that he was good. 

Youngjae pulled his phone from his pocket and opened it to check the time, but all he saw was a single message, sent just an hour before. 

_Please tell me you’re okay._

Youngjae considered ghosting him. He considered not responding at all and avoiding him for the rest of his time at home. But he knew that wasn’t something he could do. He’d left him for ten years. He spent the entire time wondering how it would be like if he never disappeared. Despite the mess Youngjae created and the doubts he had about reuniting with Jinyoung, he still wanted to be in his life again.

So, without a second thought, he pressed the call button on his phone and waited for Jinyoung to pick up, silently hoping in his heart that the actor hadn’t already fallen asleep.

When the dial tone turned into the sound of his actual voice, Youngjae’s heart stopped.

“Are you okay?” Was the first thing Jinyoung said, speaking urgently.

“I went to sleep for a while, but I feel a lot better now.” He explained.

Jinyoung let out a breath of relief. “Thank god. That’s good to hear, I was so worried about you.”

“I’m sorry for scaring you like that,” He began, feeling himself about to stumble through his next words. “I-It’s just...that place...I—”

“I know,” Jinyoung interrupted. His voice was soft, understanding. It made him feel calm. “You don’t have to explain or apologize for anything to me.”

Youngjae felt himself smile just a little, soaking in the warmth of Jinyoung’s kindness. “Thank you for taking me home.” 

Jinyoung snorted on the other line. “What else was I supposed to do? Leave you there for paparazzi to tear you apart?” He joked. Jinyoung knew exactly how Youngjae wanted the rest of the conversation to go—he knew him so well, he knew that all Youngjae wanted was to brush off how serious the situation was with a joke and move on. And that was exactly what he did.

“Limb to limb, baby.” Youngjae responded smugly, a big smile now forming across his face. 

“So, which songs are about me?” Jinyoung asked, and Youngjae could just _tell_ that wherever he was, he probably had that stupid smirk on his face.

“Sorry, I don’t remember you winning.”

Jinyoung scoffed. “You didn’t finish the race, so you were disqualified!” He explained. Youngjae dramatically gasped to seem offended. 

“I had a personal issue!”

“You didn’t put that in the rules, so I can’t count it.” Jinyoung shot back playfully. Youngjae swore he could hear the smirk in his voice.

“You’re such a dick.” Youngjae chuckled while shaking his head. Jinyoung was just playing around, but Youngjae knew that there was a big part of him that was serious. It was just how he was. 

Youngjae sighed loudly and rolled his eyes. He knew he lost. “Fine. _Fine_. You win!” He exclaimed. “I’ll give you a hint.”

“A hint?” Jinyoung shouted, his voice sounding angry. “I didn’t race you for a stupid _hint_ , Choi Youngjae!”

“Well it’s what I’m giving you, so you can take it or leave it!” 

“Fine!” Jinyoung groaned. “Give me your stupid hint.”

Youngjae found himself laughing and shook his head. In a million years, he would’ve never believed he’d be on the phone with his high school crush, telling him which songs of his were written about him. 

“My songs about you gave me a Grammy.” He revealed, squeezing his eyes shut with embarrassment the moment the statement was said. 

“ _Huh_?” Jinyoung groaned confusedly, reacting exactly the way Youngjae had expected him to. “What do you mean all of them gave you a Grammy? You only have _one_ Grammy.”

“Yeah, for…” Youngjae trailed off, trying to fill in the clues for Jinyoung. 

“For…? Do you expect me to know the exact award?” Jinyoung retaliated. He was beginning to sound annoyed. It was entertaining to listen to.

“Stop acting like you’re just a casual fan. I know you know what I won it for.” 

Jinyoung groaned. “Yeah, okay, I know what it was for, but it doesn’t make any sense! You won a Grammy for Album of the Year, which only means that—” The light in Jinyoung’s mind finally lit up, the way Youngjae had been waiting for it to, and he understood the hint. “Oh.”

Youngjae laughed. He laughed so loudly and without any restraint that he felt his guts begin to stiffen. 

“A-Are you telling me that the album you won a Grammy for...is full of songs about me?” Jinyoung stuttered. Youngjae could hear the shock in his voice, and it felt satisfying to hear. 

“Yeah. You were a good muse for a big chunk of my career.” _You still are_ , he thought silently _._ But Youngjae would never say that out loud. 

“You…” Jinyoung trailed off, like he was about to say something massively important. “You realize what this just did to my ego, right?” 

Youngjae rolled his eyes. _Typical_. “Of course, I do. Any good thing I say about you is bound to blow up that big head of yours.” 

“Well, now that we’re friends again, you can write more songs about me so you can get more awards.” 

“Mark puts a cap on how many songs I can write about you every year, so I can’t.” Youngjae responded without thinking. It wasn’t until Jinyoung started giggling that he realized what he had just said.

“So you’re _still_ writing songs about me, I see.”

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

“Oh, it’s getting pretty late, I think I should go to bed!” 

“But you just woke up—”

“Talk to you later!” He interrupted before abruptly ending the call. 

Youngjae let out a relieved sigh and threw his phone to the end of the couch. _That was fucking awful. You should never speak to any boy ever again._ He groaned before retrieving his phone from the other side of the sofa, giving in to the urge to scroll through Jinyoung’s Instagram page. For years Youngjae had fought the need to look him up on social media - he knew it wouldn’t be good for him. If he did that, all of his albums would just be full of whiny songs about regret—as if they weren’t whiny already. This was the first time he’d ever allowed himself this form of satisfaction. Was it satisfaction? It felt a bit like torture too—seeing how much of Jinyoung’s life he had missed out on. 

As he expected, Jinyoung’s Instagram page was incredibly dry. There were only twenty posts in total and based on his first post, his account had already existed for at least five years. Youngjae knew him at a time before social media became so integral to culture, but Jinyoung never seemed like the type to pour his daily life all over the Internet for the world to consume. Jinyoung was most _definitely_ a lurker. He lurked all over Youngjae’s old blog when they were teenagers—suddenly bringing up facts that Youngjae never mentioned to him personally, but wrote online. At the time, he didn’t even think Jinyoung knew what blogs were. 

Youngjae spent an hour scrolling through the same twenty pictures Jinyoung was most likely forced to post by his agency. They were mostly promotional posts - meant to advertise dramas he was acting in, or brands he partnered with. There was nothing personal on there - nothing to break the barrier between Park Jinyoung, the actor, and Jinyoung, the dumb know-it-all who starred in all his past memories. When Youngjae realized he wouldn’t find what he was looking for on Jinyoung’s mandated Instagram page, he closed his phone and threw his head on a nearby cushion. There was so, so much to think about. He didn’t want to think about any of it at all.

+++

Youngjae woke up to the vibrations of his phone on his cheek. It irritated him but the only way to stop it from continuing was to answer his phone. It was already morning. He’d slept through the whole night trying to avoid his problems. Youngjae didn’t even bother to look at the caller ID before picking up. He simply pressed it against his ear and grumbled, hoping to make whoever was calling him feel guilty for waking him up.

“I really need your help.” A familiar deep voice trembled. It was Jinyoung. Youngjae jolted right up at the realization of who was calling and went straight into urgent-mode.

“What do you need?”

Jinyoung sighed. “My sister is having a baby shower today and she invited the whole family. I completely forgot about it.” 

Youngjae scratched his head, confused. He didn’t understand how this connected to him at all. 

“Okay...what do you need me for?”

“My parents are going to be there,” Jinyoung explained softly, the tenderness in his voice broke Youngjae’s heart immediately. “I haven’t...seen them in a long time and whenever I do it’s just—fuck, I don’t know. I can’t face them myself.”

Youngjae knew what he was asking, and he was prepared to help. Jinyoung’s relationship with his parents had always been rocky, but after what he revealed the day before, Youngjae realized just how much those interactions with his parents must’ve killed him. He was the golden boy, and now he was nothing. At least to his parents.

“What time?”

Jinyoung laughed nervously and Youngjae realized there was something he didn’t know. “Now.”

“ _Now_?” He heard himself exclaim.

“Funny story—I’m actually in front of your house right now.” The nervous laughter continued as Youngjae quickly leaped out of the couch and ran towards the window, pulling back the blinds to see Jinyoung’s car parked just outside.

“What the fuck—how long have you been here?”

“Twenty minutes?”

“Oh my god, you knew I wasn’t going to say no, huh?” Youngjae shook his head, biting back the urge to laugh.

“Once a best friend, always a best friend—that’s how it works, right?” The phrase caught Youngjae by surprise. He hadn’t identified himself as Jinyoung’s best friend in years. It was strange to feel like it again.

“I’ll be out in ten minutes.”

“Also, heads up! My family _might_ ask you to sing. I don’t know if you’re still a show-off like you were in high school, but just have an easy pop song ready in your head, okay?” 

Youngjae rolled his eyes. “Ten minutes.” He hung up the phone and ran to his room to clean himself up. He knew he had to seem presentable and somewhat charming for Jinyoung’s family—especially his parents. Youngjae had never met his parents. Jinyoung was aware that they would never approve of their friendship and avoided bringing Youngjae to his house. It should’ve bothered him, but he was too head-over-heels in love for Jinyoung to let it get to his head. 

After exactly ten minutes, Youngjae was running out the door, frantically waving at his former best friend before entering the car and sitting in the passenger seat. Jinyoung was dressed in a form-fitting grey sweater and jeans—he was a much better dresser as a celebrity. But the sight of his clothing made Youngjae panic—he was, instead, dressed in a button down and black pants.

“What the fuck, am I too dressed up?” He asked frantically, looking back at his own clothes.

“No, not at all! I’m dressing way too casually on purpose—defying my parents and all that. If it wasn’t my sister’s event, I would’ve come in my pajamas, trust me.” 

“Aren’t you a little old to be playing the rebellious teen?” Youngjae teased as he put on his seatbelt.

“I’m making up for lost time! I was too obedient when I was an actual teenager.”

“Are you ready?” Youngjae asked, suddenly changing the tone of the conversation. Jinyoung took a deep breath and placed his hands on the steering wheel.

“No. But at least we can get high after.” A smile crept across Jinyoung’s face as he started driving away from Youngjae’s house. He wasn’t sure what to expect from the day’s events, but he held his breath in preparation for what was to come—there was no way things would go smoothly.

They arrived at Jinyoung’s sister’s home in just twenty minutes. Jinyoung drove like an absolute madman, swerving lanes and speeding through red lights like he wasn’t afraid to get arrested. He made a mental note to lecture him about it later. Jinyoung parked the car in the garage and turned off the engine before taking a deep breath. He was tense. 

“You okay?” Youngjae asked, instinctively placing a hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder. The male beside him jumped at the touch, but nodded with a forced smile.

“Let me give you a rundown of the plan.” Jinyoung announced, immediately shifting gears. Youngjae always thought it was amazing how he could suppress his true emotions within seconds.

“What’s the plan?”

“We’ll go in, give my sister her present, have a drink, and then we’re leaving. _Don’t_ agree to sing anything unless it’s my sister asking—we’re trying to stay there for twenty minutes, tops. Oh, and if you see my parents, don’t make conversation, don’t say hi—don’t even _look_ at them, okay?” Jinyoung went through his instructions at a rapid pace, never stopping. Youngjae nodded and tried his best to keep up, or at least make it seem like he was keeping up. Once he finished, Jinyoung took another deep breath before turning his gaze to Youngjae, his expression returning to its previous nervous state. “Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t...leave me alone, okay?” His voice trembled with genuine fear, and Youngjae wanted nothing more than to hug him and tell him everything would be okay. But he couldn’t. Not yet. 

“Of course not.” He opted instead for a smile—a warm one, to tell Jinyoung that he wasn’t going to leave him alone again. He hoped his friend understood.

“Okay, let’s get this shit over with.”

They both exited the car and made their way to the door of the house. Jinyoung led them to the front door, where he rang the doorbell multiple times like an overeager child. Youngjae could only roll his eyes. He was always secretly childish. After a few moments, a slightly older pregnant woman opened the door—Jinyoung’s older sister. She gasped at the sight of her younger brother and immediately pulled him into a hug. 

Youngjae had only met Jinyoung’s sister once—before the play’s opening night. She was the only one in his family that Jinyoung could confidently invite. He remembered how she had made several playful jokes about their friendship, and how this only embarrassed and angered Jinyoung, who ended up storming off backstage as they both laughed. He remembered she was funny. 

“Finally! Everyone here’s been asking me when my stupid celebrity brother’s coming—you know, I think they only threw this shower so they could get some escape from their stupid, banal lives and meet some semi-famous B-lister who—”

“Hey! I’m not a B-lister.” Jinyoung interrupted, pulling away from the hug. 

“Whatever. All I’m saying is, I’m not hosting a fucking red carpet—if they wanted to see a celebrity, they shouldn’t have come to my baby shower.” His sister complained, rolling her eyes. Jinyoung began laughing nervously and scratched the back of his head.

“Oh man, you’re going to hate who I decided to bring.” Jinyoung mumbled. Youngjae hesitantly stepped from behind Jinyoung, trying to flash his friendliest smile at his sister to get on her good side. Jinyoung’s sister completely froze at the sight of him. 

“Hi!” Youngjae greeted cheerfully, waving excitedly. Jinyoung’s sister’s jaw dropped as she switched her eyes back and forth between the two of them.

“You brought _Ars_?” His sister asked. Her jaw remained on the floor before her eyes shifted and she burst into full laughter. “I can’t believe you tracked down your high school boyfriend to bring to my shower just because I liked his music!”

_Boyfriend. Wow. If only eighteen-year-old me could see this now._

“Fuck off, I didn’t do this for you.” Jinyoung rolled his eyes. He didn’t deny the boyfriend part, which intrigued Youngjae. Maybe he just didn’t think it was important.

“Whatever, it’s my special day and I’ll believe whatever I want to!” His sister sneered. She then turned her attention to Youngjae, before opening up her arms and going in for a hug. “Youngjae! It’s so good to see you again.”

“It’s really great to see you. Congratulations on the baby!” Youngjae exclaimed, hugging her. The act made him recall their first meeting—a night full of memories he wanted to both remember and forget.

“And you! Congratulations on...well your whole career!” She shouted excitedly, pulling away with a giant smile. 

“Youngjae and I got you something.” Jinyoung chimed from behind them. Youngjae quickly shot his head up and stared at him in confusion—he never said anything about a joint gift. Jinyoung pulled out a small box from his pocket and handed it to his sister. 

“Should I open it in front of everyone to show off how rich my baby brother is?” 

Jinyoung rolled his eyes. “I’ll be gone by the time you start opening gifts.”

“Boo! You suck.”

“Are Mom and Dad here?” Jinyoung asked, suddenly turning serious. His sister’s face immediately went from playful to disappointed, clearly saddened by her fractured family.

“Yeah. They’re stationed in the kitchen. I guess as long as you avoid that part of the house, you won’t see them.” She explained softly. Jinyoung nodded.

“Good. Wasn’t planning to.”

Youngjae felt like he was being caught in an extremely uncomfortable family conflict—one that he certainly had no right being in. He wasn’t sure what to do in the situation. Was he supposed to play mediator? He barely knew Jinyoung’s family.

“Jinyoung...sooner or later you’re going to have to—”

“Nope. I’m here for you, not them. I even brought Youngjae with me as entertainment for you!” Jinyoung gripped Youngjae’s shoulders, as if offering him as an apology gift to his sister. She seemed worried, but immediately forced a smile, trying her best to make the best out of the situation.

“Fine, you’re excused. Go say hi to everyone and _don’t_ act like a celebrity. You’re here as my brother. _I’m_ the star of the day.” 

“That’s going to be hard with two of the most popular celebrities in the country arriving together, sis.” 

She groaned. “Whatever. At least my shower’s going to be a memorable one.”

With that, Jinyoung immediately took Youngjae’s hand and pulled him into the house. The moment they stepped through the door, all eyes were completely locked on them. The living room was full of gasps and silent murmurs of shock—they were only prepared to see Park Jinyoung, not Park Jinyoung _and_ Ars. Youngjae wanted to run to a corner and hide. He had gotten used to being the most popular person in the room, but having it happen in an environment so similar to his youth was unsettling. It felt like he had entered his eighteen-year-old body. 

Jinyoung didn’t seem to feel the same, as he quickly dived in to socialize with the guests of the event. While Youngjae was drowning in his own anxiety, Jinyoung was rapidly making conversation with multiple people, greeting his sister’s friends and introducing Youngjae to several of his relatives. All of their reactions were generally the same—they all stood in complete shock at the unexpected duo, before stuttering their way into something resembling a sentence. Jinyoung handled all of this with ease. It was actually quite impressive for Youngjae to see how charismatic Jinyoung had become over the years. The days of the antisocial stickler his best friend used to be were long gone. 

Eventually, with more people approaching them, Youngjae found a way to slip into his Ars persona, pushing the thought of his youth to the back of his mind and falling into the role of “the entertainment”. He handled conversations with the smooth flow he had been trained to master, and managed to finish the first round of introductions without a hitch. Guests would often ask him about his music and when his next album would be—but his favorite question to answer was the one that asked how he knew Jinyoung. He would use this question to talk about Jinyoung as much as he liked—the favorite pastime of his teen years. 

“I’m the one who got Jinyoung into acting,” Youngjae would say, followed by a quick interruption by Jinyoung, who would swiftly deny this and claim that he had _always_ been interested in the art. “Please, I basically had to force you to be in the school play.”

“Fine, then I take credit for your singing career!” Jinyoung would add. Their banter was charming to those around them, and did nothing to stop Youngjae from feeling the same admiration he used to have for Jinyoung. There was no way this could end well.

“You know, I’m surprised my sister hasn’t made you sing yet.” Jinyoung whispered to him during a rare moment of isolation from the other guests. They were standing together in the corner of the living room, with Jinyoung sipping on his third beer and Youngjae still holding on to his first.

“You should slow down.” He warned, eyeing the bottle warily. Jinyoung laughed and shrugged.

“I have to prepare myself for—”

“Who invited _you_?” A voice asked scathingly, interrupting them. Youngjae followed the voice, only to see a familiar woman from his past, only much older and seemingly much more frightening. It was Jinyoung’s mother. 

“That.” Jinyoung continued, before quickly downing the remains of his drink until it was completely empty. Youngjae could immediately see his body tense up and his expression morph into fear. Suddenly he was no longer a famous celebrity, but a scared little boy trapped under his parents’ influence.

“Wasting your life has made you into an alcoholic, I see.” Jinyoung’s father remarked, appearing behind his wife. 

Jinyoung didn’t even speak—he couldn’t even defend himself. He simply stayed silent and allowed his parents to continue destroying him with words.

“How are you?” His mother asked reluctantly, like an obligation to be fulfilled as a parent.

“Rich.” Jinyoung squeaked. It would have been defiant and strong response, if only he hadn’t paired it with the voice of a pre-pubescent adolescent.

His father laughed rather cruelly. “The value of life can’t and _shouldn’t_ be evaluated through money. It’s through success, fulfillment, and _obedience_. You never listened to us.”

“How could he? He was too busy thinking of himself,” Jinyoung’s mother responded. “Instead of following what we’ve all worked on his entire life, he chose to prance around like an idiot in front of a camera. A commercial _slave_.”

Youngjae glanced at his friend. He was completely frozen. His parents had petrified him and placed him in a state he had never seen before. His mouth opened as if to say something, but no words came out. 

“For someone with a job that requires so much talking, you don’t seem to have anything intelligent to say.” She commented, paired with a look that could kill anyone in the room.

“He clearly hasn’t had much use for his brain. A waste.”

They laughed. _Laughed_. At their distraught son who spent most of his life fighting for his parents’ acceptance and affection. This public display of cruelty was too much for Youngjae to handle. He couldn’t just stand there and watch as Jinyoung was being ripped apart by his own parents. He had to do something.

“Excuse me,” Youngjae interrupted, ending their laughter. Jinyoung’s parents stared at him in confusion. “I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but you two are being _completely_ inappropriate right now.”

“ _Inappropriate_?” His father repeated, bewildered at the accusation. Youngjae nodded.

“Yes, inappropriate,” He repeated. Youngjae caught a quick glance at Jinyoung, who looked completely mortified. “This is your _only_ son. He’s your child. He was your pride and joy until he decided he wanted to live for himself and not for you. I understand that you’re disappointed he didn’t pursue the career _you_ wanted for him, but that doesn’t give you the right to stand there and _humiliate_ him like it’s a public execution.”

“Youngjae—” Jinyoung called softly.

“No, I can’t just stand by quietly and listen to them say these awful things to you!” He exclaimed, speaking loud enough to gather the attention of the other guests of the party. “Jinyoung has accomplished so much. He’s won an uncountable number of awards. His work brings people entertainment—it brings them joy and an escape from the world. What he does has as much value as what you do. He works harder than anyone in the industry, and is one of the most irritatingly intelligent people I know. But you know that. Here’s what you don’t know. He was meant to be an actor. He was meant to bring fulfillment through stories. There isn’t any wasted potential when it comes to Jinyoung. He’s doing exactly what he was meant to do. You just have to learn to let it go and accept that that’s who your son is.”

By the time Youngjae finished his speech, he realized that everyone in the room was staring at him. Jinyoung’s parents were frozen, completely in shock by his sudden outburst. Youngjae decided there was still something else he needed to say.

“You should know that I’ve admired your son since the day we met. He has this aggressive spirit that I can only guess comes from the both of you. The only waste I see here is the relationship you could’ve had with him.” He was running purely on adrenaline now. Youngjae tended to avoid confrontation, but this was something he had to do. He turned to look at Jinyoung, whose look of fear never seemed to fade away.

“Do you want to go?” Youngjae asked gently, not sure if he had done the right thing. Jinyoung nodded almost immediately. 

He took the shaken male’s hand and led him to the door, where his sister was standing with an identical look of shock and fear. As they neared the door, she grabbed his free hand and whispered in his ear. 

“Thank you for standing up for him,” She whispered. “Please let me know if he’s okay when you get him home.”

“I will.”

They walked out the door and made their way to where Jinyoung’s car was parked. Youngjae opened the passenger door for him, realizing quickly that with the mix of alcohol and verbal assault from his parents, Jinyoung was not fit to drive. Once he was settled, Youngjae slid into the driver’s seat and began driving towards Jinyoung’s home.

Jinyoung was quiet throughout the entire drive. He only stared blankly at the road in front of them, never pulling his focus away or even moving as he sat. Youngjae was worried. Jinyoung was clearly traumatized and trying to process everything that had happened—Youngjae himself hadn’t even processed his words. He wasn’t even sure if he had done the right thing.

After twenty minutes, they reached Jinyoung’s building. The entire elevator ride up to his floor was silent as well, and the cold, empty look in Jinyoung’s eyes did nothing but frighten Youngjae. He had seen this look before—it was present after every argument he had with his parents, back when he would run away to Youngjae’s house and beg him to play video games until they couldn’t keep their eyes open. It scared him less as a teenager.

“Did you mean everything you said?” Jinyoung asked after they entered his apartment, breaking the silence. His voice was strong now—almost aggressive and accusatory, like he couldn’t believe anything Youngjae said was true.

“I did.” He replied, his voice soft and gentle, like he didn’t want to scare Jinyoung away.

Jinyoung looked away and went silent again for a few moments, before speaking again. 

“I didn’t think you still felt that way about me,” There was nothing aggressive about the way he spoke. Upon closer inspection, he even sounded timid. Shocked, even, at the statement. After a moment, he spoke again. “Do you?”

Youngjae didn’t know how to respond other than to laugh nervously. He didn’t want to answer the question. It would be the closest he’d ever get to _verbally_ confessing to Jinyoung, and even after ten years he still didn’t feel ready.

“Are we finally acknowledging how we felt about each other back then?” Youngjae asked humorously, handling the situation the only way he knew how. 

Jinyoung’s face changed as he huffed, clearly irritated. “I’m not fucking around here, Youngjae.”

Jinyoung was serious. This was something he needed to know. Youngjae sighed and gave in. “Yeah, I do.”

There was another elongated moment of silence, where they both remained standing in their spots, not saying a word. Jinyoung stared at him blankly for the longest time, until his eyes suddenly started becoming watery. 

“But you left!” Jinyoung shouted, breaking the silence. He looked like a ticking time bomb about to explode, and all the things they had left unsaid would finally be brought out in the open. “You left me all alone. You never came back. You never said anything. I came to school and you were just...gone. I had to go through ten years of seeing your face _everywhere_ and hearing absolutely _nothing_ from you. Why would you do that to me?”

Jinyoung was owed an explanation. Youngjae owed him a million explanations. What happened wasn’t fair for them both, but even now, Jinyoung still wasn’t aware of the full story.

“I...had to. For you. What happened that night could’ve ruined everything for you, Jinyoung. I had to make sure you wouldn’t get caught in the fire.”

“It didn’t ruin everything for you.” He responded quietly, looking away.

“But it did! I had to move halfway across the world! I had to leave my home, my grandma, _you_! I had to start my life over,” Youngjae was almost shouting now, trying to show _his_ side of the story. When Jinyoung faced him again, he looked angry. “I figured you had a better chance of achieving something meaningful. I didn’t want you to go through what I did.”

If Jinyoung was angry before, he was completely _furious_ now. “Fine. But _don’t_ tell me that completely avoiding me all these years was for my own good. Don’t you dare say that to me. You were the only good thing in my life and you disappeared. You disappeared, Youngjae. That _wasn’t_ for me.” Amidst his anger, there was a prominent desperation that existed in the way he spoke, and Youngjae fully realized how much he had hurt him with his actions.

_Here it goes._ “I couldn’t face you okay? After everything that happened, I was too ashamed of my stupid mistakes and almost ruining your future, I couldn’t face you! I hoped you’d just...forget about me.” 

“How could I forget about you?” Jinyoung asked, his voice breaking halfway through. He was about to cry, and Youngjae couldn’t bear to see it. “You were the only person I cared about.”

His last statement made Youngjae’s heart stop. He had created so much pain and so much suffering to the one person _he_ cared about. He almost couldn’t believe he was capable of such an act. It was then he realized just how selfishly he had acted. He wasn’t sure how to fix it.

“Everything I did back then was for you,” Youngjae began softly, stepping closer to Jinyoung. He was just saying whatever was coming to his mind now, unsure if it would even do any good. “It was either for you or to get close to you. Agreeing to tutoring, making you join that play, selling you drugs even though you were the biggest teacher’s pet and _could’ve_ snitched on me. Every single stupid thing I did was with you in mind, and I thought...I thought that leaving just like that was the same thing. But I should’ve said something. I should’ve given you an explanation. I should’ve kept in touch. There’s a million ‘I should’ves’ that run through my head everyday, and with it are a billion apologies I’ve always wished I could say to you. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry for everything. You deserved better.”

Jinyoung continued to stare at him with glassy eyes even after his apology was over. He stayed silent, letting the air increase the tension that existed between them. When the silence didn’t end, Youngjae began to panic again.

“Um. Do you...do you want to smoke?” He asked nervously, trying to gauge how Jinyoung was feeling.

Jinyoung shook his head. “No. I want to do something else.”

Before Youngjae had the chance to even think, Jinyoung stepped closer, until they were just inches apart, and slowly leaned in, kissing him. 

Suddenly, everything was right again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING I HOPE THIS CHAPTER KINDA MAKES UP FOR DISAPPEARING FOR THE LATTER HALF OF 2019 I HOPE YOU HAVEN'T LEFT ME :( if you wanna yell at me i'm on twitter @KlNGARS (the l is a lowercase L) OK I LOVE YOU BYEEEEE the next chapter is gonna hurt a little hehe ok


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